


Love How It Burns

by Pooks79



Category: Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-14
Updated: 2013-07-14
Packaged: 2017-12-20 04:55:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 62,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/883187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pooks79/pseuds/Pooks79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bella learns what it feels like to live with her mistakes of not choosing Jake and as such becomes the "other" woman - this is her journey to regain the love she lost -based on my one shot - stay</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

A/N – Hello my loyal readers. I just wanted to put this warning out early on so there is no confusion later. This is an OC fic and as such, Jake and Bella will be vastly different from how you remember them to be. I want to remind you that the topic is a tough one to take and if you are completely against the idea of “the other woman” scenario please do not read this fic. Please note this story is fictional and just because I write it does not mean I condone or agree with such behavior. This was just something that struck a cord in me and with a little encouragement from my closest friends; I decided to give it a go. I understand that a lot of what you will read will be hard to understand and most of you might not agree with it but please if you do plan on reading this, keep an open mind. Please realize this is fiction and although it is rational to the characters to do what they do, it doesn’t mean I agree or disagree with it. Please do not read past this A/N if you feel you will be biased because of the content. I love your reviews more than anything and they only help me to stay motivated and keep you captivated with the story line. If you feel strongly against this concept please DO NOT READ! Thanks all and I hope you enjoy it. Oh yeah, almost forgot, this fic is based on my one shot called “Stay”. Hope you enjoy it

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

Life is a journey. It’s one that can be filled with numerous insurmountable hurdles or may joyous past times. However no matter which path we choose, it’s the choices that we make along the way that define who we are. 

Our life has purpose from the moment we take our first breath as a child to the last breath we release when we die. Our purpose, although not clear until much later in life, is one of fulfillment. Our decisions are based on our past experiences coupled with a ting of intuition and hint of gut instinct. 

We travel on the road of life struggling to find our purpose and although at times life can seem like an endless mountain with no peak in sight, we realize what makes life great is all the struggles we endure to reach ultimate happiness. It’s all about the climb that makes the ending so bittersweet. It is not the hurt, pain, happiness or love, but how all these emotions play out in our lives that truly makes us feel alive. If one was to never experience any of these feelings could they truly say they have lived life to the fullest? 

It is through the hardest times in our lives that we learn to appreciate the little things. The warm embrace a child receives from its mother, the cold breeze of the ocean air on your face in the heat of summer to the passion felt during an intimate moment with lover are all the little things that make life worth living. 

I sit here now, almost five years later writing down everything that has lead me to this moment. A moment I never thought possible or attainable in my younger years. I have no idea how my crooked and misguided path got me here but what I do know is, if it weren’t for the burn, I would not be where I am today. 

I have burned, felt the burn and continue to burn to this day. I burned out the light of my life the day I said go goodbye. I felt the burn grow within me when I took him back into my life in a way thought of as dirty and misguided and I continue to burn with that same passion for him now as we await the birth of our child. 

Our journey was like a candle lit on both ends that somehow ignited a burning passion when joined in the middle. The two ends burning far apart in the beginning but when brought together are unyielding and glorious in their union. That’s how Jake and I were. It was our destiny to be united but we were torn apart by poor decisions and bad timing. 

We’ll maybe it was more of my poor decision and bad timing than it was his but nevertheless, we finally found each other in the end which makes the journey all the more memorable. 

I guess the best place to start would be from the beginning. I want this journal to be a complete representation of how we found this indescribable passion for one another. The choice I made and the actions I took to regain the love I lost were thought by some to be improper and unbecoming of a women but I didn’t care. I realized the love I once had was unlike anything I had even known before. I knew if I truly wished to be happy, it would be found in the arms of the man I held in my arms now. 

I write my injustices down now in an effort to cleanse my soul. I don’t regret the path I took but at the same time, I hope whom ever does come across this journal will see the truth behind the words. They will see that when life hands you lemons you make lemonade. I was stupid in my decision to turn down my lemonade from fate but wised up enough to know if I was meant to drink it, it would produce itself to me once again. I know my journey is a rough one but I feel it is through my struggles that I learned the most valuable lesson of all. 

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes coal, deep burning and unquenchable. – Bruce Lee

Here amongst the pages of my journal lies my journey from stupidity to clarity. This is the journey of how I crashed, burned and found my happiness through the ashes of my broken heart.


	2. Unforseeable Burn

A/N – just a warning, as you all know I am 100% wolf girl and love me some Jake but in the best interest of this fic, I thought it was important to establish Bella’s relationship with Edward as briefly depicted in the one shot “Stay”. I have to say as a writer this was one of the hardest chapters to write because I’m not an Edward fan. So I ask please bear with me on this chapter and the next and then after that, no more Edward. Enjoy!

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

 

I was nervous as hell. My senior year of high school was starting in a few weeks and I still had no idea what I wanted to do when it was all over. Thankfully, I had my best friend Jake to lean on for support. He was always so good at boosting my confidence and steering me in the right direction. I thanked my lucky stars at least I had him to keep me focused. 

Jake & I had been best friends since we were in diapers. He was my prince charming and I was his princess Layah. We were completely inseparable as toddlers and even more so as we got older. It truly sucked to high heaven that when we both had to start school it had to be in different schools since he lived on the reservation and I lived in Forks. Jake was from the Quileute tribe that resided just outside of town. His parents and mine got close when our mothers attended Lamaze together. I guess you could say we were tied together at birth. Jake was like a brother to me. He protected, nurtured, cared and loved me like no one else. It was times like these when I could really use his warm embrace. 

As if he had read my mind, my rustic knight leaped through my window and onto my bed. 

“Good morning sunshine” he said as he placed a kiss on my cheek.

“What’s with the mushy crap Jake? Geez.”

“Oh, come on you love it.”

“Umm let me think about that…nope. Love you, but not this whole kissing thing.”

I watched as Jake’s appearance took on a somewhat defeated look. I couldn’t help but feel like our friendship took on a totally different meaning for him than it did for me. Don’t get me wrong, Jake was attractive and lovable but it felt weird to even consider kissing him, he was like my brother.

“So what’s cookin good lookin?”

“Nothing much just a little anxious about school.”

“Well just take it one day at a time Bells.”

I wish I could find comfort in his words but I had this sinking feeling like something was brewing. I felt like my world was about to be turned upside down and I felt powerless to stop it. 

I decided not to think on it too much and carry out the day as we always had. We drove down to First beach and spent most of the day splashing around amongst the waves and we finished out our night at the movies. 

Jake dropped me off right after the movies. I waved to him as he pulled away and couldn’t help but catch wind of the screaming and the sound of dishes shattering from within my house. I ran inside thinking maybe it was my crazy mother fighting off another field mouse in the kitchen. As soon as I got into the living room, I found both my mother and father at each other’s throats. He was screaming at her and she was throwing anything within her reach at him. I tried to stand between them and referee the fiasco but I was quickly pushed aside by my father, which seemed to only continue to piss my mother off. 

I pleaded for them to stop and realize what they were doing but they were oblivious to my pleas. I ran upstairs with warm tears streaming down my face. I knew what this was; this was the making of a divorce. What was inconceivable to me was that before today, they never fought. I never once saw my parents argue or get angry and now that I think about it, maybe that was the problem. Every healthy relationship I had seen, you know on Days of Our Lives or All My Children, always displayed a little bit of both. I just wished they could see that if they stopped screaming and just listened to one another, it would all work out. 

I slammed my bedroom door and crawled under my comforter placing the pillow over my ears. I prayed they would stop and make up. I screamed for them to stop threw the linens of my pillow hoping my pleas would finally be answered. 

After hours of crying and begging, I finally fell asleep and inwardly prayed for peace to come back to my life.

The loud clanking of the heavy raindrops on my window woke me up from my sleep. Although last night was traumatic for me, I had a feeling I had not seen the last of such heated arguments. I tried to put on a happy face and force all my anger and resentment inside. I didn’t want to add more drama to the beginnings of my dramatic life.

I took a shower, got dressed and hopped down the stairs like usual. My joyous hop was halted when I saw my mother standing in the doorway with her suitcase in hand. I stared into her glaze filled eyes, questioning the drastic action she was taking. My bottom lip quivered slightly as I tried to push words from my throat out through my mouth. My mother seeing the pain her stance was causing me, rushed over to hug me but I deflected and stepped back. I didn’t want comfort. I wanted her to realize what a mistake she was making and stay. Stay for me, for her husband, for her life and above all, for our happiness. I started to feel the hurt turn to anger and rage. I was angry she was being so selfish. She was a mother for Christ sake, how could she do this to me? Why was she trying to hurt me? I did everything she ever asked without question and this is what I get? A broken home? I was going to become a statistic because she couldn’t just deal with her problems. 

I did the one thing I could do to show her how angry I was, I turned my back on her. It hurt like hell to do it but I knew it would be the one action that would make the most impact. I felt her hand rub against my back and that just ignited the tears from my eyes. Compassionate Bella wanted to turn and plea and resentful Bella wanted her to feel the burn. She wanted her to know this wasn’t right and if she walked out that door. as far as she was concerned, she had no mother. This side of my character was new but the rage and resentment that brewed deep in my gut told me it was justified. The more I embraced it, the easier it was to feel numb. I couldn’t accept the fact that my perfect life was turning into a statistic. 

I heard my mother’s whimpers as she moved away whispering her apology as she walked towards the door. The hate was all consuming and her pleas fell upon deaf ears. Her words meant nothing if she was still going to leave. 

I felt a warm hand grab my shoulder and without thought, I forcefully pushed it away. It wasn’t until I felt that same arm come around my waist, forcing me to turn around into a hug that I realized it was Jake.

I fought like hell, smacking and swinging my fists trying to free myself from his grasp. I didn’t want to be comforted or apologized too. I wanted to stay angry and the more I fought, the tighter his embrace became. I eventually succumbed to his nurturing nature and soaked his white shirt with tears of anger and pain.

I was so lost in my own upset I neglected to see my father come along side Jake and place his hand on my shoulder. Still angry, I unleashed everything I intended to scream at my mother on him.

“Don’t touch me. This is YOUR fault. YOU did this. After all those years of marriage you are just going to let her leave? What kind of man are you?”

Jake tried to be the voice of reason but I wasn’t having his bullshit either. Nothing was going to stop the anger and pain I felt over my parent’s selfish decision to separate.

“Bella your angry. Let’s just leave and maybe when you’ve cooled down we can come back and talk, ok?”

“No!” I screamed as I pushed Jake away and stood a few feet from them.

“What is it with you people and leaving? Will it allow me to regain my once happy home? Will leaving make this burning pain of hurt and resentment go away? She’s gone Jake. She left me. How do I deal with that? Why is this happening to me?” I whimpered as I fell to the ground in despair.

I couldn’t rationalize how my mother thought it was best to just leave me here when I needed her most. My senior year was a time when I was going to need her guidance and she just left. I had never felt so alone in my life and all I wanted to do was be alone to wallow in it. 

Jake tried to come to my rescue like always but this time, I wasn’t having it. I felt the vibrations of his steps as he made his way towards me so I extended my hand out and signaled for him to stop.

“Just go Jake. Please just leave me alone” I whispered.

Jake was never one to give up without a fight but today I was too tired and weak to fight. I just wanted to be alone and try to work out the pain of this tragic event by myself. 

Charlie whispered something to Jake and guided him towards the door. I stood up, walked up the stairs and locked myself in my room. Today was supposed to be a fun day filled with back to school shopping and bonfire dinners but instead, it had become a day of endless unanswered questions and resentment. 

I spent the next week locked in my room. I never got out of bed except to shower and I hardly ate. My health and mental state were deteriorating quickly as I sank into a deep seeded depression. I couldn’t wrap my mind around why she left and how things had ended up the way they had. My parents were so in love and I started to think maybe that was the problem. Maybe normalcy was the death of the Swan marriage. Maybe my mother, the selfish bitch that she was, stayed because of me and not because she loved my father. Maybe my father neglected my mother and made her feel expendable. 

The fact of the matter was, I didn’t know what made her leave, all I did knew was I hated her for it and my body paid the price. Jake made several attempts to see me but was shunned off by my father at my bidding. I didn’t want his comfort and I felt I would only bring him down with me if I allowed him to stay. I didn’t want to be the selfish bitch like my mother so I just decided distance was best until I could get back on my feet.

Unfortunately for me, my days of seclusion and reflection came to an end when Monday arrived and I had to go to school. I decided to shred every piece of clothing my mother ever bought me in an effort to expunge any memory of her existence in my life. I decided my attire would reflect my feelings so when I pulled up to school in my red Chevy pickup sporting all black, the looks and whispers were coming at me like the wind off the ocean. I turned a blind eye and deaf ear to the murmurs and walked eyes down towards the entrance of the school. It wasn’t until I walked smack dab into a firm muscular chest that I finally looked up from the ground and saw Jake standing right in front of me.

“So this is how it is?” he huffed through his angered expression.

“Yeah Jake, this is how it is” I replied with a sarcastic tone.

He grabbed my arms and held me firmly as he replied. “We’ve been friends forever Bella. You can’t just decide that our friendship is over when you feel its over. I won’t let you just walk away from me without an explanation. I know you are hurt over your mother but that is no reason to just shun me out of your life. Don’t you see, you are no better than her if you do that.”

His words although true and wise were enough to rekindle the flame of anger within me. I didn’t think before I spoke because I never had to when it came to Jake. Our conversations were always free spirited and full of humor, there was never a need for censorship between us. However, it was times like this that I wished I had thought first.

“So that’s what you think of me huh? You think I’m a selfish bitch like her. You think just because I need a little space to sort out this mess of a life that I am selfish? You know what Jake; you won’t have to worry anymore because our friendship is over. I don’t need someone to tell me about myself, I know who I am and right now I am pissed. Just leave, go, and don’t let me be the burden on your shoulders anymore.” I hollered as I pushed him away and started my walk back towards the doors.

I knew I was wrong for what I said, but I was still too hurt and upset to admit it. My father’s stubborn gene was passed onto me at birth and although most times it was tolerable, today it was incomprehensible. 

The slamming of the heavy metal doors behind me made me jump a little. It felt like somehow, symbolically I was closing the door on my friendship with Jake. Sure I didn’t mean all the hateful things I said and I knew or at least hoped Jake would forgive me for them later, but something told me this was the beginning of the end for us and as much as I wanted to shake that feeling, I couldn’t.

I swerved through the crowded hallways trying to reach my first class of the day. Although I hated high school, it seemed like a nice reprieve from my current life of mental torment. I entered my biology class and avoided the hollers and waves of my friends as I took a seat towards the front. I knew they would give me shit for ignoring them but I didn’t care. I was in no mood for jokes, gossip or any of the high school bullshit today. I just wanted to get through the day and go home. Huh! I thought to myself. Did I even have one of those anymore? 

My mind was instantly distracted when my nose caught wind of the most luscious cologne I had ever smelt. I looked up and saw what could only be described as a porcelain God walking towards me, taking a seat in the vacant chair in front of me. I closed my eyes and just breathed in his masculine fragrance basking in its rich scent of hot and sexy. 

When I managed to regain my train of thought, I noticed he was turned and staring right at me. I felt my body quiver and my heart race as I stared into his emerald eyes.

“Hi. I’m Edward, Edward Cullen,” he said with a Colgate smile

“Oh…um…I’m Bella, Bella Swan” I replied acting completely corny.

“Nice to meet you Bella. So do you hate physics as much as I do? I have to say when I got my schedule, I nearly vomited when I saw I had it first period.”

“You could say that again. I hate anything that has to do with numbers. I am more of a science girl myself.”

“Wow a girl after my own heart. So what period do you have lunch?”

“Um…sixth, you?”

“Well look at that, so do I. What do you say we have lunch together?”

“Yeah that would be cool” 

“Great” he replied as he turned around and I got a great view of his slicked, short brown hair. 

Was there anything about this man that didn’t scream sexy? I found myself admiring him the whole time not caring a thing for the first chapter of my physics class. 

It wasn’t until the period bell rang that I realized I was one of the last kids still in class. I got up form my chair and caught the tail end of Edward leaving the class as well. I couldn’t help but stare as I watched this tall, slightly fit, tight assed man walk out of the room. Wow! Was all I could think to myself. I was lost in a sea of want and desire for that man. 

Edward and I talked all through lunch about everything. It was so refreshing to talk to someone out of the loop of my miserable life. He told me about how his father was in the military and how they traveled constantly. He told me how much he hated the constant changing of schools and having to make friends and then find new ones everywhere he went. I found his lifestyle intriguing and much more exciting than my life at the moment. However, as much as I tried to keep the conversation focused on him, he was insistent on finding out about me.

I conceded to his will and told him about my life here in dreary Folks and about how I was dealing with my parents divorce. I was never one to air my dirty laundry but something in his eyes told me he was eager to listen and learn more about me. I felt such an indescribable magnetism between us. It felt almost like we were two magnets being pulled together by the sheer force of fate. 

We met again after school and scheduled some study dates during the week. For the first time since my mother departure, I felt ok. I didn’t feel as depressed as I once had and I attributed all that to the desire spell of Edward Cullen. He was the match that ignited the candle of my life. I knew from that moment on, my flame would burn for him relentlessly and I loved how it burned.


	3. Tainted By The Beauty Of the Flame

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

JPOV

I lie here in bed with my girl fast asleep on my chest just thinking about my life. I can’t help but feel like I was cheated somehow. I gave my heart to a woman who tossed it aside like it was trash and fell into a relationship with a woman who deserved my heart when there was none of it to give. I wasn’t a dick. I told her I couldn’t be the man she needed or desired but she stuck to me like a moth to a flame. She dealt with all my bullshit and wasn’t afraid to feed it right back to me.

My eyes venture downward taking in the beauty that lied peacefully on my chest. I wish I knew what peace felt like. My mind was constantly restless and my mouth spit nothing but hate since she left. I had never known what it meant to hate until I heard those lasting words that shattered any hope I had left.

I tried to make her see that she was lured into a toxic relationship with a man who cared little for her well being. I told her how he was using her just as a reason to part from his home life but she won’t listen. I can’t say I was surprised because she was a hardheaded individual. Nevertheless, she let my advice float in one ear and out the other and that just fueled my anger over her decision. She decided that leaving was the only way to rid herself of the pain over her mother’s departure and a way to start off fresh. I told her it only suppressed the feeling. It didn't eliminate them. The curses and harshness of her tone sent me over the edge causing me to spill venomous hateful words onto her neglectful ears. I told her if she wanted to leave that was her choice but if she did, she not only lost her mother but me as well. 

I spoke these words out of anger and hurt and it wasn’t until I tried to apologize that I realized they only caused me more pain than solace. I climbed up the tree hoping to apologize for my words and found her room vacant. Everything that was Jake and Bella was gone and only the furniture remained. That was the day my heart left and the ice formed in its place. I was never the same man after that and to this day, I find it hard to love or trust anyone. 

I am no longer an optimist but a pessimist and my cattiness was shrugged off by anyone who knew me as Jake just having a bad day. No, I wasn’t having a bad day. I was having a bad life. 

God thought it was cute to allow me to love a woman who didn’t share in my affections and allowed me to whither away into nothingness when she left to be with a man that outshined me in everything. I couldn’t provide her with a luxurious lifestyle or a home away from home but I thought my love and admiration would’ve been enough. She was tainted by the beauty that was Edward Cullen while I was burned by the heat of his flame. My hatred burned deeply and I lived and breathed that hate everyday of my life. It had been two years since she left and I still felt the intensity of her loss as if it had happened yesterday.

You would think that being the miserable bastard that I was people would shun away from me but not Leah. If anything, she was more up my ass than anyone else. Apparently, she had been through a similar situation and as they say, birds of a feather flock together. 

Our relationship started off simple. We were two people in need that found that need met with the occasional one nightstand. Well one night turned into two then into lets go out to dinner, which eventually turned into let’s move in together. I was by no measure ready to jump into a relationship but I figured it would be more convenient for the both of us when it came to those late night fixes so I conceded to her move.

I made it clear that I was by no means a companion, boyfriend or any other relationship tied connotation. I wasn’t going to bring her flowers, leave the toilet seat down or share in cuddling moment watching a movie. I had no feeling left in me to give anyone and I didn’t expect any in return. She agreed to living with the angry man I was and still am now. She stayed out of my way and we found common ground at night. 

It wasn’t until recently that she started with the “I love you’s” after sex and I have to say, it was nice to hear after so long. I was jaded yes but there was still a small part of me that was still the old Jake. I had him caged in the deep recesses of my heart but he escaped every once in a while.

That little bastard always seemed to integrate his emotional bullshit at all the wrong times. I found myself picturing Bella on Leah’s face when she was going down on me or I would find myself at the Swan house not knowing how or why I was there. It was those few moments that only reminded me that I was better off being a cold-hearted dick than a loving best friend.

“You awake babe?” Leah whispered as her head moved up from my chest and rested in the crook of my neck.

“Of course. Have you ever known me to sleep? One hour every twelve you know that” I responded sarcastically

“I just thought maybe after…well I thought maybe I tired you out.”

“Nah won’t ever happen sorry.” I said as I turned to my side

I heard her sigh behind me as she always did when I showed my true colors. Sure I could have been nice and lied but that’s not who I was. I was a man who could give two shits what everyone thought and if they hated me then so be it. I was so tired of worrying about how everyone else felt or how my words made them feel. No one seemed to care about how I felt so why should I care about how they felt? 

This was the Jake Bella created and unfortunately for everyone involved, this was the bed I was going to sleep in. At least this way I didn’t have to feel. I just had to live if that’s even what you call my life. Everything that meant something to me left with her and all that remained was an icebox where my heart used to be.

BPOV

I stared down at yet another cold dinner while I waited for the once love of my life, my night in shining armor and what I thought was the best thing since sliced bread stand me up for dinner once again. How did I end up like this? How could I be so stupid as to believe the lies and then continue to stay in a relationship that was so one sided? Was it guilt, pity, stupidity or just plan fear that kept me here?

I had never regretted such a decision as the one I made when I chose to leave my life in Forks to come here. Sure I was obtaining a great education, which I pushed aside for him and yes, the relationship was great up until about six months ago but now, I find myself regretting everything. 

I looked up at the clock and it only infuriated me further. I picked up the plate full of food and threw it at the wall almost missing Edwards’s head as he came through the door.

“What in God’s name? Damn Bella. You nearly took my head off”

“Sorry I missed” 

“Listen I’m sorry I was late but the professor had me working on a project late and you know I need an A in that class if I want that internship.” He said as he walked over towards me and attempted to place his hands on mine.

“Oh yeah the old working late bit. Edward you must think I am some kind of stupid. You don’t think I smell her perfume all over your cloths or the fact that you have a hickey the size of Texas on your neck. I’ve just about had it with the late nights excuses, the lack of any form of intimacy and your total disrespect for me or our relationship.”

“Oh so now its all about what I’m doing wrong. What about you Bella? What about your lack of just about everything? It was so great in the beginning you know. We use to stay up late and talk and end the night in the heat of passion and now all you do is come home, do your homework and fall asleep. What about my needs? What about putting someone ahead of yourself for once huh?”

His insinuations of me were insulting and infuriating. “You know what Edward. Fuck you. You want to be a whore then go ahead. Go fuck everything on two legs for all I care I’m done.” I screamed as I stormed off into the bedroom and slammed the door.

No more than two seconds later I heard the front door slam shut and I fell to pieces. I felt like such a reject on so many levels. I left my family in the hopes of living a life free of drama and what did I get? Drama. 

Without thought, I leaned over to the phone and started dialing. It wasn’t until I heard Billy’s voice that my mind refocused and I hung up. What was I doing? It would seem even time couldn’t heal all wounds. My mind resorted to calling the one person who had ever really made me happy, Jake. However, as much as I wanted to call and beg for forgiveness I knew even he couldn’t offer me anything other than an I told you so. 

It was only now that I sat here alone in my apartment that I truly knew what it meant to be alone. I inwardly wished I hadn’t said those things to him before I left. We were both so angry and said things that could never be taken back. He was hurt that I chose Edward over him and maybe to some degree I was wrong in doing that. I should’ve seen past Edward’s beauty and alluring ways and noticed that it was all an illusion and nothing good could come of it but I didn’t. I decided to take my chances and now I lie here burned by my mistake.

I reached over to my nightstand and retrieved my photo album. I turned the pages glancing over the memories that seem like they happened a lifetime ago. Each picture depicted a moment in my life when I was the happiest. Edward and I had shared so many memorable moments but all those moments seemed drenched in lies and deceit now that my love for him had run out. I ran my finger over the last picture in the album hoping to feel the heat of him through his photo.

I stared into his brown eyes wishing I was back at that moment when he carried me on his back from First Beach back home. I had sprained my ankle on a piece of driftwood and Jake offered to carry me home. We laughed the whole walk home about how spastic I was and how even he couldn’t save me from myself. There was so much truth to those words. Who could save the hopeless? That’s what I was, hopeless and unworthy of such a divine soul. Jake was one of a kind and what I wouldn’t give to stand in his radiance now. 

I removed the photo from the album and held it to my chest. This was my lasting memory of a friendship long since forgotten. I knew there was no turning back once I said he was dead to me. I knew the harsh venom those words inflicted on his gentle heart but still I said them. The tears rolled down my eyes as the look on his face flashed into my memory and tore my already aching heart to shreds. 

I lied down on the pillow wallowing in my own self-hate praying for sleep to take me into her arms. I felt a calmness come over me and thankfully fell asleep with the one person I longed for in my arms, Jake.

When I woke up the next morning I decided that today was a new day and a fresh start. I attended all my classes and decided to treat myself to a bottle of wine so I could relax when I got home. It was no surprise Edward hadn’t returned but then again, he never did when we argued. He always used our fights as an excuse to sleep around. I stood firm in my belief that this was the last time I would tolerate any more of his bullshit. Fuck the great make up sex or the fact that he provided the roof over my head, tonight would be the end of it. 

When I got home and finally settled in, the phone rang. I was hesitant to pick it up because the caller id said it was Esme, his mother. His family was very kind to me but at the same time, it was HIS family and HIS family always seemed to side with him when it came to our relationship. 

Edward was very open with his family about a lot of things and that included the issues in our relationship, which sparked numerous arguments between us. He had told me he wanted to be free of them and that’s why he wanted to have new memories with me. What a crock of shit that was. We traveled yes but with HIS family. Granted it was great because I got to see things I wouldn’t have if I would've stayed in Forks but it wasn’t exactly how I’d pictured it would be.

“Hi Ms. Cullen.” I answered trying to sound like my chipper self

“Hi Bella. How are you?”

“Great thanks. What can I do for you?”

There was a brief pause and that’s when I knew this wasn’t a checking up on you call or I really care how you are fairing call.

“Listen sweetheart. I know you and Edwards relationship is your business but…well Edward is here and he’s…”

I cut her off at the pass. I knew it. That dick brought some other women to his family house. That was it. I was done. 

“It’s alright you don’t have to say it Ms. Cullen. Just do me a favor and tell your son not to come home EVER!” I screamed into the phone and then slammed it onto the receiver.

I was brewing with anger. It was one thing to disrespect me to my face but quiet another to plaster your indecencies around your family, what the fuck? I felt like a used up piece of trash and I would be damned if I was going to live in this shit hole of a life any longer. I stormed into the bedroom pulled the suitcase from the closet and threw it on the bed. 

I felt my tears stream down my face as I shoved everything and anything into the suitcase. It only took moments for reality to kick in as I fell to the ground in despair. Where was I going? I had nowhere to go. I had little money and no other place to call home but here. I truly fucked up. The harsh reality of my life hit me like a freight train and I didn’t know what to do. In my blinded love for Edward I lost all that I had left in this world. 

I felt my cell phone vibrating in my pocket. I tried to calm my breathing as I retrieved it and saw a familiar number flashing on the display. I was hesitant to pick up the phone feeling like an epic fail for not only the stalkerish phone call last night but the horrid things I had done. 

“Hello” I answered in a hesitant tone

“Bella, its Billy Black”

“Oh hi Billy long time no hear. How are things?”

“Bella are you sitting down sweetheart?”

“Yes why?”

“It your father…”

I listened as Billy told me that my father had been killed in a shoot out. I dropped the phone mid conversation as it felt like someone had punctured a hole in my lungs not allowing me to breath. I felt my heart race in my chest as my body started to shake. Memories of what I had said to him in the past, all the things I didn’t say, my parting words, all played back in my mind in repetition. The pain of this news was overwhelming and I didn’t know how to deal with it and worst of all, I had to do it alone. 

I guess its true what they say, you make your bed you have to sleep in it. I curled up into a ball on the floor finding comfort in my own despair. I had lost everything I held dear to me over a stupid mistake and now I had to live was the lasting thought of my parting words to my father, “I hate you”. I repeatedly hit myself trying to find comfort in my pain. Anything would feel better than this. How could I go on knowing my father died thinking I hated him? I could never hate him. 

My brain decided it was better to deny his death then come to grips with it so I got up and just shook my head back and forth repeating “no” out loud. This couldn’t be happening to me. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t do anything wrong. Or maybe I did? Maybe this was my punishment for being cruel to everyone in a selfish effort to suppress the pain over the loss of my mother.

My cell phone rang once again knocking me out of my thoughts for another brief moment and when I saw it was Edward, I threw the phone across the room and watched it shatter into tiny pieces when it hit the wall. I crashed on the bed, took the pillow into my arms and cradled it. I felt complete sadness come over me and prayed I would wake up and this would all be just a bad dream. 

Sleep took hold of me but offered no solace within my dreams. Vivid images of Jacob, my mother and father all paraded my thoughts causing me to feel nothing but regret. 

I woke up the next morning more tired than ever and decided since my bags were partially packed, now was as good a time as any. I would go back home and give my father the funeral he deserved. 

I finished packing, left Edward a note with the house keys and set out for Forks. Maybe this was a sign that I wasn’t meant to be anywhere but where I called home. Maybe Forks was where I was meant to be and maybe just maybe, I could finally find peace in my life and the closure I had ran from all my life.


	4. Flicker of Light

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

I cringed as the sign “Welcome to Forks” appeared before me. Forks represented all I had both loved and hated about my life. Sure there were good times but it didn’t matter how many wonderful memories I had because that one horrific memory of my mother leaving outshined all the others.

My body quaked with anger as I recalled that day. The anger stormed through my body as if it had happened yesterday. However, with the anger came a deep seed of regret. That was the day I not only lost my mother but my father and best friend as well. That was the day I vowed to never let anyone get close to me. I closed myself off from both Jake and my father in an effort to try and deal with the hand I was being dealt. 

I didn’t want anyone to tell me everything was going to be ok or that things would get better because I truly felt that was impossible. I felt useless, unwanted and unloved by the people who truly loved me because of my mother. Her selfish act caused me to hate everyone and everything in my life. Thinking back on it now, maybe that was why Edwards’ promises seemed so enticing. Maybe that was how I fell into the fog of deception when it came to him. I didn’t want to see he was toxic for me because it would mean there was no hope. 

I wanted to believe there was a flicker of hope for me. I wanted to believe that I deserved to be loved and cared for even though my mother thought otherwise. For a short time, Edward provided that but like all good things, the fog lifted and I sat beneath a cloud of shame and regret. 

I wasn’t equipped to face my demons but was forced into the devils hand by circumstances I had no control over. When I pulled into the dirt driveway of my old house, the rain started to come down heavy making it unbearable to see in front of me. 

If it weren’t raining so damn hard I might have seen Billy, Sue, Harry and Emily standing at my doorstep and I would’ve quickly turned right back around. I wasn’t ready to receive anyone’s kindness because it wasn’t deserved. Everyone in town knew how horrible I had left things because in a small town, a cat didn’t cross the road without someone noticing. I knew my horrid actions spread like the plague amongst the people in both Forks and the Rez and although I was remorseful about it, I didn’t need people’s sympathy right now. 

I found myself settling into my old shoes when I exited the car and ran for the front porch. I didn’t expect the outpouring of kindness from anyone and to some extent; I could see the fakeness behind their hugs and condolences. It was as if I heard them whisper under their breath what a cold-hearted bitch of a daughter I was and how my father deserved so much better than me. 

I put on the strongest face I could and knew that after all was said and done; I could be rid of these posers and try to start fresh. God was giving me this chance to repent my sins and start with a clean slate and that’s what I wanted to do. I left the fog existence of Edward behind me and looked for the flicker of light to guide my way.

Over the next several days, Billy and Sue helped me write the obituary and plan the wake and funeral. All the planning seemed to go rather smoothly and it wasn’t until I stood in front of my father’s casket that my world seemed to crumble at my feet.

I felt my chest burn as if my soul was on fire from all the guilt I felt. If I had stayed maybe he wouldn’t be here. If I hadn’t been so selfish and put myself above everyone who had ever loved me maybe things would have been different. The weight of my actions sat heavily on my shoulders making it unbearable to stand. I fell to my knees and cried onto the wood finish of his coffin apologizing for not being the daughter I should’ve been. 

My body quaked as the coldness of the winter air coupled with the stinging of the rain on my skin made me feel empty and cold. I felt my heart seep through my chest and watched as it crawled inside the coffin with my father. 

The warmth of Sue’s hand on my shoulder pulled me from my grief as the priest said his finally words and their lowered the coffin into the ground. I watched as the coffin descended into darkness taking my only sense of family along with it. All that meant something to me was gone and here I stood, empty and cold, in a world that hated and loathed me. That distant light of hope I clung to was diminishing in strength as the realization of just how alone I was came more into sight. I wiped the lingering tears as I turned to walk away not knowing where I was going or even who I was. 

I felt a sudden warmth come over me and looked up from the puddles at my feet to see Jake standing amongst the trees that surrounded the plot. When I gazed into his eyes, he seemed almost unrecognizable to me. His demeanor was rough and almost hollow. I could see pain but not from my father’s death but more from my presence. 

I wanted to run to him and have him embrace me with the warmth he had always provided but I knew his light had extinguished and only the burnt cloth of the candle remained. He stood firm in his position, not moving or displaying any feeling within his stare. I felt the harsh daggers of his pain deep within my soul and I knew he burned. He burned with hate and anger and the more I stared at him, the more my chest caved in and I lost the ability to breathe. 

Sue, sensing my agony, wrapped her arms around me and walked me to the car. She whispered endearing words of comfort, which fell upon my deaf ears. I didn’t want comfort. I wanted him. I wanted him to be with me, hold me, tell me he forgave me for being a self-absorbed brat and be there for me just like he always had. I guess old habits die-hard because here I was being selfish once again. In my desperation for comfort, I demanded his affection no caring how much I hurt him. I had turned into the one person I hated, my mother.

We arrived at my home a half hour later where I was greeted by everyone that knew of, heard of or were friends with my father. I have to say I didn’t recognize half of them but then again. I wasn’t around to really get to know any of these people. 

I sat in the corner of the sofa looking exactly how I felt, lifeless. I glanced around the house feeling unsettled and consumed with regret as I stared at the many family photos’ that hung on the walls of our living room. These were the moments in my life where I felt happy to be a part of a family and now I had none to speak of. 

These people that traipsed in and out of my house, eating the food and socializing as if this was a fuckin bonfire or party, started to get under my skin. My soul was screaming from within my chest, demanding they leave me alone to my guilt. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to mourn alone because that is what I deserved. These people put a charade on in honor of my father but I knew they hated me. They hugged me because they had to not because they wanted to and that was more hurtful than anything else. 

I didn’t eat or drink anything the whole time and I have to say, I was actually happy when the last of them left. I knew I would never see any of them after today and strangely that was comforting more than anything else. 

I cleaned up and took a warm hot shower hoping it would ease my tense muscles and troubled heart. Not even the scolding hot water that splashed onto my body lessened the pain and hurt I felt. I curdled into a ball under the heat of the shower crying and begging for my father to come back. I just needed one moment, a second even, to say I was sorry. I needed him to know I loved him and could never hate him. I knew this would never happen and the pain of that realization incapacitated me. 

After an hour of crying and screaming, when my skin was pruned and my eyes had no more tears to shed, I gathered the strength to get out of the shower and get dressed for bed. 

I crept down the stairs and into the kitchen almost fearful of the house I once called home. They say your home is where your heart is but what happened when that heart stops beating? My hands shook as I turned the pilot on to heat the tea. I grabbed my comforter from the hallway closet and sat in the living room just trying to absorb all that had happened. 

No more than a few minutes later I heard a knock at the door. I shook my head as I walked towards the door thinking it was a screwy neighbor who had left something here while visiting earlier. 

When I opened the door, I was overwhelmed with so much feeling as I stared at a completely soaking wet Jake standing at my doorstep. I didn’t know what to do so I nervously smiled at him hoping he didn’t see the desperation laced within my stare.  
I watched his chest rise and fall as he was breathing as if he had ran here. He stared back at me with so much anger and hurt laced within his dark brown eyes it made my knees weak and my body shutter. His stare was chilling and almost frightening but I was cemented in place by my minds demand to face the music. In some small way I wanted to apologies and tell him he was right but I knew none of that mattered now. It was too late for apologies and it was only fair I let him speak his peace.

I moved my hand up and motioned for him to come in. After a few brief moments of silence he moved past me and his alluring scent seemed to ease my fears slightly as he passed. I shut the door and walked over to the closet to grab him a towel to dry off.

I offered him the towel and immediately he snatched the towel from my grasp, removed his shirt and slowly wiped the lingering wetness from his chest. The sight of this man’s bare skin made my body tingle and although I knew I didn’t have the right to lust after the smooth texture of his rustic skin, I couldn’t help it. He had filled out well and my body longed for just a hint of his warmth. I didn’t care if he wanted to scream and yell at me all night and tell me what a horrible daughter and friend I was. At least he would be here doing it and that was all that mattered to me. 

I moved past him and sat on the couch. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I held my hands firmly within each other bracing myself for his fury. His actions and demeanor all spoke volumes to his rage and I knew he unlike everyone else, would tell me just how horrible I was.

He finished drying off and sat beside me taking my hands into his. I was startled by his affections and thought I might be delusional in my assumptions of his character. I kept my eyes on his as it looked like he was fighting all his demons just to display any form of tenderness.

“Bella, I’m sorry about Charlie” he said, his words sincere but almost forced.

“I just want you to know that I’m…”

“Its alright Jake. You don’t have to say anything. I know this is hard. I know its hard to be compassionate to a women you would rather hit then embrace. I sense that and understand it in some weird way.” I replied 

I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to be here. I wanted him to be here because he chose to be not out of some obligation or necessity.

I saw his eyebrows scrunch as he released sigh onto my skin. I knew he was fighting the anger and trying to be the person I once knew. I didn’t want him to be something he wasn’t. If this was the monster I created, I was willing to sit in the cage with him until he broke out of his shell and returned the Jake Black I knew and cared for.

“Bella I’m trying to do the right thing here. I know you are hurting and I know you regret a lot of the choices you’ve made. I can’t say I forgive you but if you need anything let me know,” he said as he stared at our hands entwined on my lap.

I thought I was in some twisted dream because I couldn’t believe this man was actually offering to be there for me in any way he could. I felt more guilt over his gesture than the loss of my own father. I felt like I didn’t deserve his kindness or his love no matter how much I needed it. 

I tried to pull away but his hold over me just got stronger with each tug.

“Jake I can’t do this. I can’t ask you to help me through this. I can feel your hatred and anger towards me and although you say you will be there for me, I know in your heart you don’t want to be. Please just go. Let me live in my regret. Let me hold on to those few moments of happiness you and I shared and live in the pain of that loss.”

I pleaded as I tried to release my hand from his. I needed for him to go, for in staying it only made things worse. He only reminded me of my mistake and the more he tried to help, the worse I felt. 

Within seconds, I found myself in the one place I longed for most. I felt the heat of his body on mine as he held me firmly within his arms. I wanted to fight him, push him away, but I couldn’t. This was where I was always meant to be; my body knew it and my mind fought hard against it. I rested my head on his shoulder, my lips sitting gently against the warm soft skin of his neck as I cried. I was so vulnerable and desperate for love I surrendered my pride and took advantage of his kindness. I trailed my lips from his neck upward until they were entwined with his.

Our kiss was passionate and unbridled as our bodies clashed with one another in the heat of passion. I felt his need to dominant me and I willingly submitted to his demands. I knew it wasn’t right to take advantage of the situation but I couldn’t help it. I needed my Jake in the worst way. I need to be consumed by him in any way he saw fit. I would allow him to ravage my body as a means of atonement for my neglect. I wanted him to show me how bad he felt, how wrong I was and how much he needed me. 

I felt so empty. My body felt like a vessel for my hollow soul and only Jake could make me whole. Only he could bring me back from the sorrow and pain I felt. I didn’t care if this was the only time I felt his embrace or the only time we shared our bodies with one another because the need to feel fulfilled was there for both of us. My body was his sacrament. He could worship or devour me it didn’t matter. All that mattered was feeling him fill me with all the love we once shared. I had denied him for the last time and tonight he was going to pay me back ten fold.

My body shuttered as his hands ran frantically over my cloths, pulling and peeling away what little I had on. His grunts and force aroused me and the harder he pressed against me the more I wanted him. 

“Fuck these cloths” he hissed through his teeth as he fought with my shirt. 

His forceful actions caused my shirt and bra to rip as his lips tackled my nipple. I laced my fingers through his hair as the pleasure of his lips on my skin filled my body. My hips instinctually jolted forward causing his erection to tease my core.

“Take me Jake,” I moaned as his mouth clamped down on my breast.

“Don’t say my name,” he grunted as he pulled me from the couch and held me firmly against the wall.

I whimpered softly as his mouth trailed down from my breast stopping just shy of my hips. 

“Tell me how much you’ve missed me. Tell me you love me,” he demanded, his voice horse from need and laced with hurt.

“I love you, ” I moaned

“How does it feel Bella? How does it feel to long for something you can’t have?” he whispered as he trailed his lips down and took my bud into his mouth.

“I…I” 

I was at a loss for words. I couldn’t conjure one complete thought with his lips sucking and nipping at me as his finger moved deeply within my sex.

“You said I was dead to you. You said you hated me. How does this hate feel now?” he hissed as he thrusted his tongue deep within my saturated folds.

Whirls of pleasure and regret filled my body. I knew what I said would come back to haunt me and to say I didn’t regret them, would be a lie. I wanted to make amends. I wanted to make this right.

“I’m sorry…I….Oh God…fuck” I moaned.

I couldn’t say anything with his mouth ravaging my core as it was. 

“Go ahead Bella. Beg. Beg for forgiveness. Tell me how bad you want me to make you whole again. Tell me how much you wish you could have me back.” 

“I want you so bad it hurts. My body is yours. Do what you will” I moaned in desperation for him to fill me with everything that he had.

His assaults on my body became more aggressive and urgent. He moved up from my core and took my lips into his. I felt all the hurt and pain move with every whip of his tongue. Each lick was fevered and hasty. 

We moved in a heated passion from the hallway into the kitchen. He turned me around and bent me over the table, arching my back slightly as he moved himself within me. My head arched back as my hands held onto his thick thighs as he moved within me. 

He kept one hand on my hip as the other moved within the long locks of my hair pulling and tugging with each thrust of his hips. His movements were fueled by anger and hurt and I took them willingly and with great pleasure. His girth widened my tight core sending streams of pain and pleasure throughout my body. I moaned into my arm as he moved inside of me with force. 

I felt a warm droplet fall onto the lower part of my back causing me to open my eyes and look behind me. I nearly crumbled when I saw that droplet had come from his eyes. He knew this wasn’t how he wanted me but his body demanded it as did mine. He noticed me looking at him and for a second, I could have sworn I saw the Jake I knew behind the empty shell that filled me. 

He withdrew from me and shook his head.

“No. This isn’t right. I can’t do this.” he kept repeating to himself as turned to walk away.

I couldn’t let him walk away. I couldn’t let him leave me like this. I turned around and fell to my knees as the tears of fear and remorse took a strong hold over me.

“Please don’t leave me. I need you,” I pleaded kneeling at the base of his legs

“Show me the pain. Make me feel again. I don’t care if you love or hate me. Just stay with me”

My words fueled his desire as he pulled me into his arms and released his pain onto me. His kisses were angry but I didn’t care. I needed to feel something, anything. 

He picked me up and walked me over to the living room. We moved down onto the couch in unison as he glided back inside of me. His movements were rough and abrupt and it only heightened my pleasure. I braced my hands around his ass forcing him to push deeper inside of me as he rocked. He bit into my neck as his firmness swelled within me. 

“Show me” I moaned as his arms wrapped around my back and he pushed harder inside of me.

His hips pounded into mine as I felt his grasp on my body get harder and more aggressive. I felt his anger and resolve all dwindle into nothingness as he moved smoothly within me. Our bodies heated with pain and hurt and fueled by need. I needed for him to forgive me and I gave him the one thing he coveted most, my body.

The friction of our bodies caused our skin to burn and simmer with sweat as we moaned into each other’s necks. Our lips never touched but our bodies reached unbelievable heights of pleasure as we consumed each other whole. My climax coursed through me as his body shook underneath my fingertips. I felt all the pain and hurt flow out of me as he moaned my name into my neck. My fingers laced through his wet hair as I allowed him to fill me with the warmth of his release. 

I felt the hole in my heart start to heal as his body lied softly onto of mine. In that moment nothing else mattered because I had him. I knew it was wrong to take advantage of him but he didn’t stop my advances the whole time. It felt like he needed me just as much as I needed him. 

He moved up from my chest and just stared at me. His eyes still heavily burdened with pain as if this moment only intensified the hurt instead of healing it. 

He moved from on top of me and walked towards the love seat to retrieve his cloths. I moved my top over my naked body as his actions hurt me beyond repair.

“Where are you going?” I whispered 

“Home” he whispered as he pulled his shirt over his head.

His honesty hurt more than his actions. I guess I was delusional in thinking sex would fix us but for a moment, it felt like he was feeling just as I was. I felt my Jake had returned. 

“Will I ever…”

“Don’t,” he replied with anger and coldness laced within his words.

I pulled the shirt up to my mouth and whimpered into it like a child being reprimanded by its parent. What have I done? Was all I kept thinking to myself.

I watched as he walked towards the door and started to exit. I sat firmly on the couch in denial of everything that had happened. How could he do this? I knew I deserved his anger but this was cruel.

“I loved you once.” He whispered as he closed the door leaving me alone with my thoughts.

His final words left me burned beyond repair. Four simple words scorched my skin like a finger held firmly to the heat of a flame. My heart shattered at its meaning and I wasn’t sure how I would recover.


	5. First Degree Burn

A/N - Hello my lovely readers. Just a quick reminder that this Jake is completely OC and at times will come across as a complete jerk. I know you all love the mushy loveable Jake so if you feel this one is too tough I won’t be hurt if you don’t continue. Just know that if you have read my one shot “Stay” then you know he does change however that is further down the road. I hope you continue to enjoy this story. 

BPOV

His departure left me burned with grief. I knew what I was doing when I invited his anger and lust into my life and to some small degree I welcomed it. I needed to feel like even if I couldn’t have his heart at least for a time I had his body. 

It’s horrible of me to feel this way but I find comfort in it. I wanted him for so many reasons and I know sex doesn’t make up for what I did but I felt somehow if I let him release all the hate maybe the third degree burn I left on his heart would start to heal. 

I wasn’t sure if and when I would see him again and I found comfort in the wet seat cushions of the sofa that my naked body lied on now. My mind although clouded with confusion and upset found relief in the smell of our union. I started to think maybe this was the beginning of the healing process for us. Maybe if he saw just the flicker of hope I did that things would work out.

We hadn’t spoken prior to tonight so aside from the pain he felt towards me, I wasn’t sure what type of life he was leading. In all honesty, I really didn’t care. I just wanted to be in his life no matter what the cost. I had no heart left to break so if this was the way we would rekindle our life together than so be it.

I woke up the next morning feeling sore and achy. I waddled from the living room to the kitchen wrapped in my comforter in need of some caffeine. I looked outside the window and saw numerous dark and mysterious clouds circling over our small town and couldn’t help but wonder if Mother Nature was feeling the same was I was, empty. It didn’t take long for the passion and love to dwindle from my aching heart. The mind altering sexual encounter with Jake was both what I needed and wanted but at the same time, his departure left me in the same state I felt before, hollow.

He wasn’t a replacement for the emptiness in my life and although his warmth felt comforting, I knew I had to find something else to occupy my time. I sipped on the warm brew as I walked back into the living room and snuggled into the couch. I wasn’t at peace with all that had happened in my life and I wasn’t sure where to start.

I glanced around the living room reliving all the fond moments of my past, crying at some and laughing at others. My life wasn’t all that bad and maybe in rejoicing in the good times I could learn to live through the bad. 

I finished off my coffee, took a shower and decided to head into town to gather some groceries and some much needed new attire. 

As I drove down all the familiar streets, I couldn’t help but recall all the times Jake and I use to walk these same roads and play within the vast array of forest that surrounded us. I felt my body warm with thoughts of our times together and quivered at the notion that I had thrown them all away for a chance at what I thought was true happiness. It would seem my mind didn’t want me to forget my selfish past and with every good memory a bad one surfaced. 

I pulled over to the side of the road as the tears that filled my eyes blocked my vision. My body quaked with hurt and burned with regret over every choice I had made. Why was love so blind? Why didn’t I see all I needed was right in front of me? How could I be so naive?

The self-hate reeked within the confines of my car and I felt suffocated by it every moment I stayed. I forced the door open and ran. I needed to be freed from all of it. I needed to feel the winds of change rush through me as I pushed my muscles to their limit. I need to feel something other than this pain that threatened the very air I breathed. I had no destination or purpose to my escape other than to feel something different. 

When my chest burned with the heat of exhaustion I fell to the ground, out of breath and weak. I looked up to see I was sitting in the very meadow I called safe many years before. This was my place to be free of everything and everyone and where my mind found solace of its burdens. I fell onto my back and looked up into the darkened sky as the heavy raindrops fell upon my face. I wanted Mother Nature to cleanse me of my sins and transgressions and attempt to heal my aching heart. 

I’m not sure how long I stayed under the raindrops but once the clashing sound of thunder nearly deafened me, I decided it was best to be on my way. 

I arrived back to the car shortly after and headed into town. 

I ran from the car into the diner hoping to seek some relief from the monsoon that was occurring outside and hoping to find something warm at the same time. I tucked my hands deeply within the pockets of my jacket as I walked head down towards the booth at the far end of the diner. The nasty stares and whispers didn’t bother me in the least, as I expected no less from an unforgiving town like Forks. 

The waitress greeted me as I took my seat at the booth. 

“Hey sweetie, my name is April. What can I get ya?”

I tried to come across pleasant but it would seem my forced smile looked more like Wednesday from the Adam’s Family rather than Miss Mary Sunshine as the cheerleader type waitress went from all smiles to straight face within seconds.

“I’ll just have a cup of coffee” 

She nodded and skipped back towards the diner counter. I looked around the diner and was pleased to find that I knew no one there. However it would seem everyone knew me as they tried not to stare at my fragile appearance and soaking wet cloths. I turned my attention towards the window hoping to find something that could entertain my fancy until my coffee arrived.

The jingling of the doorbells pulled my attention from the window and nearly shook me to the core. The fragrant smell of his cologne coupled with his masculine physique called to me like a bee to a flower. My body instantly pulsated with a need to be closer to him. I desperately wanted to be by his side and feel the love I felt for such a short time last night. 

My moment of weakness was shattered when I saw a woman come up from behind. I turned my head not wanting to see what I thought I might see. The image of Jake with someone other than me was too disturbing to bear and my mind and heart couldn’t take any more torment than it already had. Being the glutton for punishment that I was, I turned slightly and felt my resolve dwindle into nothingness as my fears of the worst came into view. The smile that was exclusive to only me was now being given to someone else. He smiled as she came up and wrapped her arms around him. 

He welcomed her embrace as if he had loved her with the same intensity as he had loved me once. Their affections towards one another burned me in such a way that it felt almost like my skin was on fire. I thought I was the only one to inflict hurt but I guess Jake’s radiance could burn me just like my harsh departure burned him. 

It was as if my mind and body went numb in that moment. Sure I burned with anger but in a strange way my mind decided to block out this vision almost as if it was putting aloe on the first-degree burn inflicted on my heart. It hurt to see Jake with another but I found myself comforted in knowing that she was not the only one that had his heart. I smiled sinisterly at my notion as it brought a slight ease to my pain. No one knew what we shared but he and I and I had a feeling last night was the first of many nights between us. 

This experience was just the first of many burns I knew I would receive in retribution from my actions but I knew you had to endure the pain first in order to heal so I held my hand firmly to the flame of my love for Jake and right now, I enjoyed how it burned.

JPOV

My body burned with so many emotions that it took all my will power to suppress them as I closed her door. I wanted, no needed to say more. I needed to tell her how much she hurt me and how her departure had torn my life to shreds but I couldn’t. I said the one thing I knew that would show her just how bad she burned me and found myself feeling guilty for it. 

I ran home feeling the weight of my actions on my shoulders like a ton of bricks. I went there to show I was the bigger person and now I was more of an asshole than a hero. I took advantage of the situation knowing she would willingly take anything I offered and I still didn’t feel any better than I had when she left. 

I wanted her to see what she missed out on and quiver in the remorse that she would never have me again. I find myself tormented by my actions. I’m not remorseful for them and the sad part is, I feel even more drawn to her than ever before. Was it the forbidden passion we shared or the fact that she needed me that drew me to her? Sure I had a woman in my life that loved me for the fuck up I was but that wasn’t enough. Leah would never be enough because she wasn’t Bella. As much as I hated what she had done to me, I knew the old Jake could never turn his back on the woman he loved. 

The problem was, I wasn’t that Jake anymore. I did and said things that made it nearly impossible to revert back to my old self. I don’t think even Bella would like the man I was now. I felt nothing. I was numb from anger and fueled by hate. I hated who she made me become and angered that even now I falter under her touch. 

The tug of war between my need and desire had begun. I vowed that if she ever returned I would make her pay for ever leaving. I would make her life a living hell but it would seem I didn’t have to lift a finger for that to happen. She was living and breathing her own pain. 

Before I knew it, I stood outside the shack I called home. With not an ounce of guilt in my frozen heart I walked through the door and found Leah asleep on the couch. I walked past her and slammed the bathroom door behind me. 

I stripped myself of my cloths and stood with my arms firmly planted on the shower walls as the heat of the shower passed over my body. My mind raced with thoughts of how soft Bella’s skin felt upon mine and how perfectly I fit into her tight core. My arms started to shake, as the desire for her grew deep within my body. 

I felt Leah’s warm hands come up from behind as she pressed her naked body onto mine. My body turned rigid at her touch as her hands trailed down my toned chest towards my dick. I stopped her hand just shy of my hips and turned towards her with all the rage I had held at bay.

“Jake I…”

“I’m not in the mood,” I hissed through my teeth.

She didn’t deserve this rage but she was the one who stayed. She endured my hollow existence out of choice. I moved past her and got out of the shower. I heard her sigh under her breath as I toweled off and left the bathroom.

I walked into the kitchen and rummaged through the cabinet until I found the only thing that numbed the anger. I took a big chug of good old Black Label Johnny Walker as I walked towards the bedroom. I plopped on the bed, turned on the TV and just stared at it blankly as I continued to drink the mind numbing substance. 

I watched as Leah walked into the room and crawled into the bed beside me. She kissed my cheek as if my insult earlier had never happened. I guess that is why we lasted as long as we had. She knew I was a dick but in some weird way she liked me this way. She knew what to expect from me and as always, I delivered. 

The old Jake would have apologized and confessed to the affair but I wasn’t that man anymore. I was a dick yes but even I couldn’t hurt Leah by telling her the truth. I guess a part of me will always show mercy towards the people that deserve it. 

Johnny silenced my thoughts and before I knew it, my eyes grew heavy and sleep crept up and bit me in the ass.

I woke up to a splitting headache and a nasty boner. I tried to rub both heads to ease the pain but it would seem the pain was relentless on both ends. I grabbed a pair of blue jeans from the floor and walked towards the bathroom to grab some aspirin. 

“The bottle is on the table with some coffee,” Leah screamed from inside the bathroom.

I redirected my step towards the kitchen table. I grabbed the bottle, poured its contents into my mouth and swallowed them down with some warm coffee. I sat down on the couch while finishing off the coffee and almost like clock work the headache was gone but I felt slightly off. 

“Lee what kind of fucking aspirin did you buy?” I hollered back at her as the room started to spin.

“Tylenol why?”

I tried to stand but with the room spinning and shaking I fell back into the couch unable to keep my legs from buckling. I turned my head when I heard Leah walking down the hall towards the kitchen.

“Jake what aspirin did you take?” she said curiously

“The one in the brown bottle”

“You took my Valium you dip shit. No wonder you feel funny” she replied while shaking her head.

“How the fuck was I suppose to know. You said it was on the table and since when do you take Valium?”

“Well if you were around more and actually listened when I spoke you would know my therapist wrote me a prescription to calm my nerves.”

“Whatever” I shrugged as I started to feel slightly drowsy.

“Let’s go to the diner. Once you get some food in your stomach the effects should lessen.”

“I hate that fucking diner. Can’t you just whip up something quick?”

“Noo” she said as she pulled me from the couch and wrapped her arm around my waist to steady me.

“I’ll drive and we can talk after you’ve eaten. You are a miserable bastard when you’re hungry and hung over” she replied as she walked me out to the car.

We pulled up to the diner and I could have sworn I saw Bella’s car parked a few rows down. I shrugged it off blaming it on the side effects of the drugs and allowed Leah to walk me towards the door. I pulled open the door but she was quick to catch me as my legs started to buckle as I tried to step inside. 

I smiled slightly as her touch seemed to hit the one spot on my side that actually tickled.

“You must be heavily medicated. You are actually smiling,” she whispered as she helped me through the door. My eyes remained focused on hers because it was the only time the room didn’t spin. 

She pushed me into the booth and took a seat on the opposite side of the table. I took several sips of the ice water on the table and when my eyes started to focus, I saw Bella staring back at me. I nearly choked on my water at the sight of her. She had this grin on her face almost like she was mind fucking me from across the room.

My body and mind fell numb to the deep seeded desire in her eyes as my dick started to rise to the occasion. I heard Leah clearing her throat and quickly turned my eyes back towards her. 

“What do you want to eat?” 

“Whatever is fine.” I replied as my eyes glanced back over towards Bella. I watched as she left her money on the table and walked right past our table on her way out. I felt the heat from her body fall upon the skin of my arms burning me with her desire.

My primal instinct was to follow her out and dominate but I had to suppress the urge. I wasn’t sure if it was her cocky stare or the fact that I knew she wanted me that drew me in. It was almost like her body was screaming to me in a way it never had before. I fought my urge to turn around and as if the waitress sensed my strain, she approached the table and asked for our orders.

Leah ordered for the both of us and once the food arrived, I devoured it as if I hadn’t eaten in days. Leah watched in astonishment as I ate my food in record time. She giggled under her breath when I leaned back and slowly unbuttoned my jeans to release the bloating pressure.

“Feeling better I see,” she said as she took a sip of her coffee.

“Yeah”

I grew inpatient with the length of time it took Leah to eat. 

“Listen, I think I’m ok to drive. Do you mind if I take the car and head to the garage?”

Leah gave me that questionable look but conceded that after all I had indulged in that I would be ok to drive.

“Yeah that’s fine. Just drop me off at the hospital on your way ok. I start my shift in about an hour.”

Leah finished off her food, paid the check and we were on our way. I dropped Leah off at the hospital and started driving back into town. 

My mind drifted back towards the look on Bella’s face at the diner and I felt this overwhelming need to wipe that look right off her face. As I entered town, I saw Bella’s car parked right outside the Forks supermarket. I decided that if she was going to play games so was I.

I parked the car and entered the market. I traipsed down the main aisle looking down each one for Bella. When I had reached the end, there she stood sampling the melons on display. I walked slowly over towards her and whispered, “It’s not wise to play with fire”.

She turned he head to the side and responded “But I love how it burns”.

It was in that moment that I realized that the girl I once knew was gone. This Bella loved to bite back. This Bella wasn’t afraid to be burned and tonight, she would truly see what it meant to hold her hand to the flame of my desire.


	6. Flames of Desire

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

JPOV

I could smell her arousal like it was burning off her skin and purposely teasing my senses. Her scent was so inviting it was nearly impossible to resist. I moved up behind her and forced my hard cock into her back demanding she release me from my torture. She moaned into my neck, the scent of her peppermint gum parading my senses sending my need into overdrive.

When I was around her nothing else mattered. I was intoxicated by her scent and allured by the curves of her body. This was the woman I had wanted for so long and now I could claim her without emotion. She would give herself over to me willingly and there wasn’t the least bit of effort needed on my part. 

“Can you handle me Bella? Are you sure you can hold the flame of desire within your hands? The burn of my flame is more damaging than before. It is a burn that will last a lifetime. Are you sure you can you handle the burn?”

“Burn me babe”. She moaned 

Her erotic whisper sent chills down my spine. I had learned to detach myself from all feeling yet in her presence, the emotions flooded my mind like a tidal wave. I wanted to claim her. I wanted to prove that losing me was her biggest mistake. I spun her around and pulled her tightly to my chest. I lowered my lips just shy of hers and whispered

“Meet me outside in ten minutes”

She nodded in response and I slapped her ass as I turned to walk away. I waited outside the store until she came out and before she could take one step onto the parking lot pavement, I pulled her by the arm and moved us behind the building.

I pressed her firmly against the wall and assaulted her neck while trying to pry the shirt from her body. Her hands feverishly roamed my body trying to do the same but I took both her arms into my hands and pressed them firmly to her sides.

“Don’t touch,” I whispered as I breathed heavily into her neck. 

I felt her body quiver under my grasp and it sent waves of desire throughout my limbs. I yearned to be inside of her more than anything but in no way was she going to assist. I wanted to take her in my own way. This was not making love this was fucking. There was no need for terms of endearment or apologizes. This was my way of making it known that I was the commander of this voyage and she was my slave. This was the man she created and if she wanted a piece of me, she had to take me as I was.

“These are the rules Bella. There is no you and I. That option has long expired. If you wish to feel all the heat I have to offer then you will listen and obey. The words “I love you” don’t exist in my vocabulary so don’t say them. You and I will never be a “couple”. If you wish to take this journey with me and enjoy the pleasures I have to offer then you will come to realize it’s my way or the highway. I will not be guilted into anything and I offer nothing in return. We are merely two people attracted by the need and desire to feel all the pleasure our bodies have to offer. Understood?”

After hearing no audible response, I moved my hand underneath her skirt and pushed my to fingers within her, causing her to moan.

“Tell me you don’t like this,” I whispered as I moved my finger slowly in and out of her wet core.

“Tell me you can handle my desire Bella. Tell me you burn to have my thick hard cock in your pussy."

She moved my face up from her chest and I could see the pleasure building in the tears that christened her eyes.

Her lips quivered as she spoke, “I want you Jake in any way I can have you just don’t make me promise, please”

The ice started to melt slightly as I saw the pain my words had inflicted. I was a hard ass and a selfish bastard but when it came to her it would seem her flame warmed my cold heart.

“Promises were never ones you could keep Bella. Why should I ask for something you are unable to provide?” I replied as I moved away from her.

The desire that burned within me was snuffed by the brief interlude to our session. I didn’t want to feel. I didn’t want to know there were repercussions to our moments of passion but when she did and said things like this, it killed it for me. She caused the old Jake to pry himself out from the depths of my soul. I fought him back into his cage for I was unwilling to face the fact that I had to be the one to forgive. She needed to earn my trust and love back not the other way around. If she couldn’t endure the man she created then she didn’t deserve me.

I started to walk away not caring that I was leaving her to her own tears and guilt. These were the breaks when you played with fire. You either endured the burn or died within its flames. She was going to have to choose which she desired more. She was either going to endure the burns my pain inflicted or died amongst the flames of her regret. 

I knew Bella better than she knew herself so I was confident that she would bring her wick to my flame and burn because I was the one cherished loved of her life. Little did she know, the old me was dead and gone and that flame had been snuffed the day she left.

 

BPOV

I slid down onto the cold pavement beneath me as I watched Jake walk away. It was as if the confidence I felt this morning had dissipated and the hurt swooped in and took my heart hostage once again. I wanted Jake in the worst way but was I willing to deal with the rules he set forth? 

He confused me because his body language didn’t coincide with the emotions I saw within his stare. It was almost like his body was numb but his heart was burning with the need for acceptance. Our relationship or whatever this was completely confused and hurt me. I thought that if we could find passion within our sessions that that would somehow help us rekindle the love we once had. 

It would seem Jake was well guarded now. It was as if his heart was incased in ice and left his mind numb to all feeling. The passion and desire for my body was there but the emotional connection had been severed. I didn’t know what to do. I wanted him yes but only if I could have his heart as my reward.

It was selfish of me to put demands on a friendship I, myself tossed away like garbage. I knew I didn’t deserve his kindness but I always felt that Jake above all, would understand. I would’ve never imagined he would turn into such a cold-hearted individual. I guess its true what they say, you reap what you sow. I had to choose whether to travel down this path with him or just let our friendship burn. 

I walked back out to the main parking lot and got into my car. The tears I fought hard to suppress fell down my cheek as I watched his truck pass my car while existing the parking lot. He never stopped or turned towards me as his truck crept by and it felt like the daggers of hate were being shoved down my throat all at once. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. I had no one left. 

I sobbed as I put my gear in reverse and exited my parking spot. It wasn’t until I heard a thud that I realized I had nearly hit the person crossing my vehicle. Fuck! I screamed. Could this day get any worse?

I jumped out of the car to see an old familiar face staring back at me.

“Mike is that you?”

“Isabella Swan? Of all the people to run me over. Gosh what are the odds huh?” he exclaimed with his boyish smile.

Mike had been a great friend to me in high school and although he didn’t attend my dad’s funeral, which kind of pissed me off, it was a pleasant surprise nonetheless.

“Yeah I guess that klutz gene still runs in my blood. Time doesn’t heal all wounds I guess,” I said shyly while I tried to help him to his feet.

“Are you ok? I mean of course you’re not ok but do you want me to take you to the hospital to get checked out?”

“Nah I think I’m alright but maybe you and I could get some coffee or something. You know, catch up?”

Mike was nice and all but I really was in no state to entertain or be entertained. I just wanted to go home and be alone with my thoughts for a while.

“To be completely honest Mike, I’m kind of having a bad day but maybe some other time?”

I could see my decline to his offer was disheartening and normally that would force me into submission but not today. Today was just too much all at once and I would be of no company to anyone right now.

“Listen Bella, I’m sorry about your dad. We all are. If there is anything I can do please don’t hesitate to ask. Your departure might have been abrupt but I don’t condemn you for it like the others. I knew you had your reasons.”

I had to admit it felt good to hear someone who actually sympathized with me. It was nice to know that not everyone felt I was the spawn of the earth.

“Thanks Mike. It means a lot to hear you say that.”

“Well I have to run. I’m helping my folks set up for the big winter festival. Do you plan on coming? It’s going to be the biggest one yet.”

“I totally forgot about the festival. I’m not sure I would be welcome.”

“Oh please Bella. I know you are grieving and I know you think everyone hates you but they don’t. Just come and worse case, you leave if you feel uncomfortable. It would be good for you to get out and start to live life again. I know what it feels like to grieve alone. I nearly had a break down when my grand dad past. I thought the world was coming to an end and I was willing to fall along with it. Thank God I had friends who helped me through it like I’m willing to help you. You have to open up for people to be able to help Bella. Here, take the flyer. I hope you come. Betsy is making her famous blueberry cobbler for the bake off, You use to like her cobbler right?”

“Yeah it was the best.”

“Great, so maybe I will see you there. It was great to see you Bella. Hope to see you tomorrow night. I will be at my parents stand so make sure to stop by if you come ok and forget about this little incident. You were going so slow you barely tapped me. Its all good.”

“Alright I’ll see if I can make it. Great to see you Mike and thanks” I replied as I walked back towards the front of my car.

I arrived home a short time later and decided to just make some soup and call it a day. My emotions had reeked havoc on my body leaving me feeling drained and exhausted. 

I sipped my soup on my way up to my room and decided to just relax on the bed and read a bit. I had hoped that my body would give in to the exhaustion and allow me the much-needed sleep I deserved. It wasn’t long before my eyes became heavy and sleep fell upon me.

My dreams were interrupted when I felt a cool breeze hit my skin and a warm arm come across my waist. My gut instinct was to jump but for some reason, my heart seemed comforted by the embrace. I leaned back and felt a firmness against my thigh. The smell of his earthy scent paraded my nose and eased my heart.

I knew he would come back. I knew in his heart of hearts he couldn’t deny the chemistry between us. I turned onto my back and stared into his eyes as he hovered over me. His body sheltered me from the cold breeze that whipped in from my bedroom window. I looked over to the window then back at him and smiled. 

“You never liked using the front door,” I whispered as I cupped his face between my hands.

“Nah old habits die hard. You should know that” he whispered back

There was so much I wanted and needed to say but found myself lost in his eyes. When I attempted to reply, his lips silenced my voice as they crashed upon mine. He pressed firmly against me taking my tongue captive with his. His hand caressed my stomach and thighs sending waves of heat and desire through my body. 

His lips moved from my mouth onto my neck as his hand glided down between my legs. His palm softly caressed my clit as his finger moved fluidly within my tender folds. 

“Bella I need you,” he whispered into my ear as his tongue ran over the tender skin on my neck. 

Those words were all I ever wanted to hear from him. I needed to know that even if his heart was closed off from me that there was still a small chance to recover what was lost. 

I pressed my chest firmly to his forcing him onto his back. I straddled his waist, removed my tee shirt and leaned onto his heated skin. I pressed my lips against his neck as his hands moved around my back and removed my bra. My assault became fueled with need as I trailed my tongue down his chest and unzipped his jeans. I glided them down his legs and took his firm cock between my lips. His hands laced through my hair as I slowly stroked his moist head with my tongue. 

“Fuck” I heard him moan as I lowered my mouth onto his manhood taking him fully into my mouth.

I wanted to show him I was worth the effort. I needed him to see he was better off with me. 

I cupped his pulsating sack between my fingers as I increased my strokes of his stiff member. I felt the vein on the side of his shaft pulsate as I ran my tongue along his soft skin.

His cock twitch repeatedly with each stroke of my tongue and I could sense he was close. I moved my mouth from his cock, up his chest and onto his lips while taking him within my eager folds. He moaned softly into our kiss as I continued to rock my hips. 

“You’re so fucking tight Bells. Damn” he moaned into my mouth and I smiled into his.

“It’s been a while,” I whispered as I moved up from his lips and placed my hands on his chest to intensify my movements. His hands braced my hips firmly as his hips bucked upward forcing him deeper within me. As his cock pounded into me from beneath it caused waves of pleasure to cloud over me as he hit my g-spot repeatedly with each jolt. 

I looked down at him with all the lust and passion laced within my fixed stare as he continued to buck. I took my breasts into my hands and stated to pinch my nipples, which only heightened the experience. 

When Jake’s eyes opened slightly and he took notice of me pleasuring myself, it would seem my appearance drove him crazy with need. He moved me to the side, flipped me over, arched my back and dove in head first into my saturated core with more force than ever before.

I couldn’t contain the screams of pleasure that seeped through my lips as he braced his hands around my hips and continued to plow into me with unrequited force. 

Through hastened restrained breath he hissed “ Do you feel that burn Bella? Can you feel how hot my flame is?”

“Oh fuck Jake, I’m about to….” 

The sea of pleasure filled my body and coated his thrusting cock as he continued to move within me. 

“That’s it Bella. Cum for me. Show me how alive I make you feel” he whispered as he took me for all I was worth.

His movements became more feverish as I felt his cock swell within me. Within minutes I felt the warm of his passion fill me to the brim as he rocked in and out of me. 

His movements started to slow down and within moments he removed himself from me and fell onto his back. I turned around and just smiled at his glow. 

The affections were not returned of course but I knew deep down he had to have felt something. If he hated me as much as he said he did then he wouldn’t have returned to my bed. He wouldn’t be here with me sharing in the pleasures of the flesh. 

I crawled up beside him and rested my head on his chest. My mind fell weak to the thumping of his heartbeat and my eyes became heavy once again. 

I felt comforted when in his arms and for the first time, the pain didn’t burn so bad. Jake was the key to my happiness. All I had to do now was endure the flame of his desire long enough to see the light that was once my Jake. I would suffer through this for as long as it takes. My skin was tough with determination and my heart was closed off from pain. I lied numb in his arms until he saw fit to un-break my heart. I would burn for him as he did for me until our candles burned in unison. This was the bed I made and I was happy for once to rest in it.


	7. Endless Burn

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

JPOV

The soft purr that flowed from Bella’s lips made my heart race. I felt that whiny bastard known as Jacob Black trying to slip is way back in. He fought tirelessly to break free of his cage and the more I forced him back down, the angrier I became. I wasn’t sure if I was angry for Bella’s return or angrier with myself for allowing her to infect me the way she had. 

I vowed to make her pay for the scar she left on my heart and I wanted to see her desperate with need but at the same time, there was not enough “I’m sorry’s” or “please forgive me’s” that would make right what was wrong. Our relationship or affair as others would call it, was heading in a direction I wasn’t prepared for. Each moment I saw her whether it be in public or in private, I felt a small piece of the ice around my heart start to melt. It was almost like I could feel the coolness as it broke away. It wasn’t apparent just yet but I feared sooner or later, it would thaw completely and then I would truly feel the burn that was Bella Swan.

I slid from beneath her soft tender skin and started putting my pants back on. Leah was getting off work in under an hour and I promised I would pick her up. My mind was so conflicted I hadn’t noticed her arms coming up and around my waist.

“Stay with me” she whispered as she kissed along my shoulders and the back of my neck.

My eyes rolled to the back of my head as the lust and desire returned from its restful state. Her tender caresses and passionate words drowned out everything and brought forth my primal desire to dominate her. 

It was in that moment that it became clear to me why I had engaged her in the first place. I laughed inwardly to myself for not realizing it before. All this time I had felt cheated. I felt like the only good thing in my life had discarded me like trash and it was my turn to repay the favor. I treated everyone in my life like shit because that’s how I felt. I felt unworthy because the one person who made me whole tore my heart out, held it in her hands and squeezed until it beat no more. The pain of this remembrance caused my chest to tighten and my anger to flow. 

No I wasn’t going to play nice. I wasn’t going to allow her to lure me into her web of deceit. Why should I? Why should I allow her to shock my heart back to life only to crush what little of it I had left? I removed her hands from around my waist and put on my shirt. 

“I have to leave,” I hissed. 

The fact that I had even considered allowing her in infuriated me. Why was I so blinded by her? What made her so intoxicating? I had to learn to manage my emotions. Since her arrival I was a ball of fury and a cluster fuck of hormones. I had to learn to manage these feelings otherwise they would be the end of me. I had to make her pay. She had to feel the burn so she would learn and understand my heartbreak. I had to make her see that second degree burns hurt a lot more than those surface burns she felt earlier. 

I hopped through her window and onto the tree. I made my way back to the truck and headed towards the hospital. My hands held firmly to the steering wheel in an effort to channel my emotions that burned threw every part of my body. I wanted her but I didn’t. I needed her but I didn’t. This whole fucking thing was confusing as all fuck but in a strange way, I couldn’t stop being with her, feeling her body on mine and knowing she would hurt until she saw me. That was my motivation. That was the force at my back keeping me going. I had finally had her on a string like a marionette, pulling and guiding her, as needed. I was reminded in that moment that I held the reins on this pony ride. She bent at my will and I have to say it felt good being on the giving line for once. I wasn’t going to be pussyed into her web, nope, she was my puppet and she would dance on my command.

Leah dodged the raindrops as she made her way towards the truck.

“Hey babe” she said through hastened breath as she kissed me on the cheek and slammed the door.

“Hey” I replied with the least bit of enthusiasm.

“What flew up you ass and died?” 

“I’m in no mood for sarcasm Lee so just back off,” I hissed.

My anger was not towards her but she was always the receiver of it. She never once argued or fought back. She merely sat back and let me dish my bullshit onto her as if she had endless pockets for receiving it. Sure every now and again I felt her wrath with the lack of clean socks or food in the fridge but it worked. 

We got home and never spoke a word to each other until the following morning. I dragged my ass out of bed and went into the kitchen to grab some coffee. I found Leah sitting at the kitchen table reading the paper and sipping her coffee. After a few moments, her finger rose and pointed towards the stovetop. I smiled slightly when I noticed she left me at least some food for breakfast.

We sat together in silence and when I went up to ask what time her work shift was, my voice was silenced when my eyes caught sight of an advertisement for the winter festival in town. I was never one to go to social events but for some weird reason I felt drawn to it. Call me a sucker for good pie or just an overachiever but something was pushing me towards attending. 

I decided I might check it out after work. What’s the harm in just looking around right? 

“Lee do I get the car today or do you need it?”

“Nah it’s all yours. I’m off today besides, Emily and I were planning on going down to the festival so you can use the car.”

“Well maybe I will see you there”

I thought Leah’s eyes would have detached from her head with the way she looked at me. I knew my response was shocking but at the same time, I had to keep my pet happy for the time being. I knew it was cruel to keep Leah appeased but at the same time, I needed her. Was I an asshole for keeping her? Yes but asked me if I cared, not in the least. 

My intentions were to show Bella how bad it burned when you had to watch the love of your life leave with someone else. She needed to know how I tore my hair out every night when my mind was plagued with dreams of her leaving me. She had no idea how I had suffered but you can be damn sure she would feel it now. The first cut is the deepest but the lasting burn it leaves behind is one you will never forget.

BPOV

His words were like dull spoons scooping away pieces of my heart each time he spoke. Each time he left me to be with her, I felt empty and deprived of the light I needed to survive. 

When we were kids I never needed to share him. He was my Jake and aside from his dad, I was the only one he cared and loved. I wasn’t naïve. I knew the repercussions of my actions. I didn’t expect Jake to take me back willingly but at the same time this new Jake was a totally different beast. He was filled with so much anger it was hard to see the light I once saw in him. Each word he spoke, each firm grasps of my body he took felt like he was seeking retribution through my body. To some people it might sounds crazy but on some level I understood it. The Jake I had known was always very vocal and wore all his emotions on his sleeve while this Jake held it deep inside and shielded his true self as a means of punishment.

You would think me sadistic for tolerating such behavior and allowing him to use me like he had but my feelings for him never changed even while I was gone. I was confident that once we got past all the pain, the old Jake and Bella would be reunited and I wasn’t about to allow my old habits of fleeing to reemerge now. 

I would continue to chisel at his stone heart because the reward vast outweighed the sacrifice. Each time we were together I got a hint of the man I loved and that was enough to reassure me that I was closer to attaining his love. 

I decided to head into town and finalize some of the paperwork with regards to my dad. After stopping at city hall, the bank and the grocery story it was nearing dark. I started to make my way home when I noticed the lights shining off of the ball field just outside the high school. The festival was in full swing and the loud cheers and laughter could be heard clear across town. I wasn’t sure if I was really prepared to meet and greet my neighbors once again but it wasn’t like I had any plans and rotting in my father’s house was the last thing I needed.

I decided to swallow my fear and park the truck a few blocks away. I tucked my hands into my sweatshirt and made the two block walk over to the high school. As I passed the high school sign shivers ran up my spine as the reminder of my hurtful past paraded my mind. How was I expected to move on when everything that surrounded me was a constant reminder of the horrors of my youth? How do you forget something that is branded into the very foundation you live upon? 

I picked up my paste desperate to rid myself of the painful memories. I needed a fresh start and reliving a bad past was not starting off on the right foot. I smiled at the two clowns that greeted the patrons as they entered the festival. The smell of fresh apple pie and cotton candy paraded my senses and made my stomach ache for nourishment. 

I scanned the booth’s and just when I was about to give up, I noticed Mike waving frantically from his family’s table. I smiled and made my way over to him hoping he would be a welcome distraction from my painful thoughts.

“Bella! I’m so happy you came. You hungry?” he said as he pulled a slice of his mom’s cobbler from the table.

“Famished” I replied while snatching the dish from his hands.

I had never devoured food as quickly as I had but in all honesty, I hadn’t eaten anything all day. 

“Damn girl. Maybe you should enter the pie eating contest.” He replied while handing me a napkin.

I smiled while taking the last bites of the pie. 

“Listen my mom needs some help over on the whip cream pie eating stand, do you mind lending a hand?”

I hadn’t planned on staying very long but I thought, what the hell?

“I can’t stay long but I think I can help for an hour or so”

“Great!” he replied while he pulled me by the arm across the walkway to the other stand.

“All you have to do is keep filling these pie plates with cream and place them on the indicated spots.”

“Seems simple enough. Hey Mike would you mind…um…staying with me? I’m a little new to all this” I said while motioning to the festivities around us. 

“Sure no problem Bells.”

The sound of my nickname sent my mind into a tailspin. There was only one man who called me that and Mike wasn’t it. Images of his heated breath on my neck and his thick shaft between my legs caused my knees to weaken. If it wasn’t for Mike standing behind me I might have fell.

“Geez Bella are you ok?”

“Yeah sorry, I get a little light headed sometimes. You know me, queen of drama and clumsiness.”

He smiled slightly as he handed me the whip cream. I went to work on the empty trays and found amusement in watching everyone dig into the pies without the use of their hands. It was nice to laugh and it was something I hadn’t done in a long time. It was nice not to have to worry about hurting someone’s feelings or trying not to stick your foot in your mouth. Here I could just be Bella Swan and for a moment, it felt nice.

In between patrons Mike thought it was cute to scream my name causing me to turn around abruptly so he could nail me with whip cream. He didn’t get very far because I was right behind him hitting him hard with my own supply. Apparently during our silliness we had depleted our supply so Mike left me to man the ship while he ran across to retrieve more.

I filled the remaining empty dishes, turned around and was rendered frozen at the sight before my eyes. Jake held her in his arms loosely as they walked past the booth. I turned around quickly hoping to go unnoticed but as fate would have it, no such luck.

“Bella? Bella Swan” I heard a female voice call out.

I turned around shyly and saw Jake and this woman standing right at my booth. I never looked at her, as my eyes were fixated on his. My body weakened at the intensity of his stare and my hands shook as if the earth quaked below me. 

“Yes I’m Bella” I replied hesitantly.

“Jake you didn’t tell me Bella was staying in town. I’m Leah, Leah Clearwater, Jake’s girlfriend” she replied extending her hand out towards me.

I stared at her questionably. Did she not know who I was? Did she not know that Jake and I once upon a time were best friends? Could she be so blind?

“Nice to meet you” I replied shaking her hand quickly and pulling away.

“This looks like fun Jake, lets try.” She replied tugging at his arm like a five year old.

I couldn’t help the image of me smashing the whip cream pie in her face from my thoughts. This was my competition. This was the woman who stole him from me and continues to bask in his warmth while I sleep alone.

“Yes Jake try” I said sinisterly.

I didn’t care if I pissed him off. He knew how much it burned me to see him with her. He knew it the moment we saw each other in the diner.

The look of malcontent was written all over his face as he nodded and stood beside her in front of the pies. Bella smiled and basked in the moment of her victory. Now he knew what it felt like to be rendered helpless. Now he felt the burn of her flame first hand.

His evil retribution to my malice was instant. While his bitch of a girlfriend dived in head first, Jake just kept his eyes on me as he leaned in and scooped small portions of the whip cream with the tip of his tongue. He made sure his tongue was sliding over the whip cream in such a way it made my body tingle and my core pool. He smiled as he pulled his tongue into his mouth, devouring the whip cream and coating his lower lip with its richness before dipping it back in. 

My body fell heavily against the table of prizes behind me as I continued to watch him make love to the pie. My leg started to shake and I found myself weak as my desire burned through the fabric of my cloths. I knew Jake could smell it as he breathed in deeply while his tongue continued to take in the last remnants of the pie.

The clearing of her throat pulled me out of my haze as I noticed she had finished her pie. 

“Leah wins” I exclaimed as I handed her the pink elephant behind me. 

“See Jake, woman are always stronger than men,” she whispered as she kissed him on the cheek. 

I turned away as the view of her affections kicked me square in the jaw. Sure I could fight with the best of them but the fact that I was not her, burned me more so than ever before. I waited a few moments hoping they would leave. I turned around slowly once I heard Mike hollering my name from the front of the booth. 

“Sorry I took so long Bella. Mom had to run to the store to pick up more. You holding up ok?” he asked while handing me the extra cans.

“Yeah” I replied as my eyes glanced over his shoulder and gazed upon Jake whispering something into Leah’s ear. The cougar inside of me tore through my skin and assumed control of my body. I pulled Mike into a deep hug.

“Thanks so much for these Mike” I replied as I rubbed slow circles on his back while staring at Jake.

I knew it was fucked up to use Mike but I needed a comeback and fast. 

My gesture seemed to fuel Jake’s anger further. 

“Let’s go,” he hissed as he pulled Leah into his arms and continued forward on the path.

I smiled knowing I had finally showed him that two wrongs don’t make a right. I pulled away from Mike and saw the kool-aid smile on his face. 

“Thanks for that Bella” he replied as he hopped over the table and stood beside me. Shit! I thought to myself. I had given Mike the wrong impression. 

I moved away and went back to my duties. Unfortunately, I hadn’t seen Jake or Leah the remainder of the evening. It was nearing eleven o’clock and the festival started winding down.

I helped Mike clean up and offered to bring the box of supplies back out to his truck around back. The box towered over my small frame so my focus remained on the floor so I didn’t trip. I made it out to his truck in one piece, placed the box in the back of his truck and went to turn around but was forced to stay face first into the trunk of Mike’s car.

“You know it’s not safe to play with fire,” his soft voice whispered as he pressed his firmness against my ass.

“You know it’s not nice to threaten when you have no leg to stand on” I replied forcing his body away and turning around.

“Oh is that so?” he replied as he moved in and ran his nose along the side of my neck.

“Yes you don’t play fair Jake,” I whimpered

The heat of his body was calling to me like crack to an addict. My hands on their own accord moved up his chest and around his neck. He moved away from my neck and rested his lips mere inches from mine.

“Who said I was playing?” he replied as he extended his tongue and ran it along my quivering bottom lip.

“Then show me how much you burn” I replied

His eyes gazed into mine, the desire and need overwhelming his body causing it to shake slightly. 

“Oh I’ll show you a burn you can’t resist Bella. Get ready baby because second degree burns last a lifetime” he whispered as he moved away from me. 

I stood there speechless and desperate. He always had a way with words and tonight, he would show me just how much his body burned for mine.


	8. Second Degree Burn

JPOV

She thought she was cute. She thought she could get a rise out of me with her little stunt. She was going to get a rise all right but not in the way she thought. Images of her holding him, caressing his back as a sign of affection fueled the anger that now coursed through my veins. She was mine. She belonged to me. I had no reason to be jealous but yet I was. I didn’t want anyone’s hands on my property whether she believed herself to be or not. 

His stupid ass grin as he thanked her for the hug ripped through my chest and took a hold of my heart, squeezing it; choke it until it beat no more. I knew I shouldn’t be feeling this way. She was entitled to her own life but deep down I didn’t want her to have a life. I didn’t want her to experience even a shred of joy. I wanted her to find everything she needed in me. I knew I couldn’t offer her a relationship shit, I didn’t want one. All I wanted, all I ever wanted was to have her for my own. Her denial of my affections is what put us in this situation to begin with and it was my denial of said feelings that kept us here. 

Retribution was the name of the game and that street went one way. She had to know jealousy was not something to fuck with when it came to me. She had to understand that if she was going to taunt and tease me, I was gone. I was no longer her puppet to use and discard when she got bored. She had to know her place and her place was with me.

I told Leah I would meet her back at the car once I noticed Bella loading some boxes into the shithead’s truck. I moved up behind her and pressed myself firmly against her body caging her between the truck and me.

By the end of our little debate, she knew she was playing with fire and I could see the temptation my actions had on her. I loved how her body quaked at my touch and her body released a fragrance so intoxicating it made my dick ache with need. If it wasn’t for all the town folk being around I would have bent her over the door and took my prize but like always, I was a beast shackled by the will of others. 

I couldn’t take what was meant to be mine because others were watching, I couldn’t piss with the seat down, I couldn’t speak unless spoken to, I couldn’t be with two woman at once, all these fucking rules were annoying. Who the fuck made these rules anyway? Who said it was wrong to have two women at once? I knew exactly who made that rule. It was a man who was uglier than sin, whose dick was smaller than a kid size ruler and who didn’t know the first thing about women. As far as I was concerned I didn’t care what other people thought of us but I knew deep down if Leah found out, I would lose my ace in the pocket and I wasn’t ready for that so I bit my tongue and left her horney and desperate.

She didn’t know when or if I would come to her. I left her with a warning that if she was inviting my passion to the table she better be ready to eat. The question was, was I? 

I shook the thoughts from my mind as I walked back to the truck. This was not the time to be questioning anything. I need to stand firm in my original plan. I wasn’t going to allow her to seep within the lining of my heart and send tiny shocks of current to force it to beat. Not this time. She had a chance to claim my heart and instead she ripped it out, crushed it and walked away. Now she would see the hole her actions left within me. She would know what it feels like to truly be with a man who shared no feelings for her. Maybe I was no better than Edward. Maybe it was her destiny to be with men that didn’t appreciate her true value but then again, it didn’t matter. I had her now and it was time to play.

Leah had the truck warming up so when I hoped in, all I had to do was switchgears and go. When we made it off the dirt field and onto the main road, I noticed her sighing under her breath and fidgeting in her seat. If there was one thing I knew about Leah, when something really bothered her, her body spoke more than her words. In all honesty, I wasn’t in the mood to talk so I kept my eyes focused on the road while my desire taunted my mind with naked images of Bella.

I shifted in my seat, my dick harder than a Popsicle stick and my need growing in leaps and bounds. Images of Bella’s smooth lips over the tip of my cock, stroking with full intensity as I held her firmly within my hands paraded my mind on repeat. I needed her in the worst way and because of that, I had to find a way to get away from Leah for a bit.

“So how much longer do I have?” I heard her whisper under her breath.

Her question pulled me from my thoughts as I tried to grasp what she was asking.

“What?”

“Jake I’m not stupid so don’t play me for a fool. You knew Bella decided to stay here and I know you and her have history, so how long before my bed turns cold?”

I turned to her, and then back at the road several times in complete astonishment over what I had just heard. I could see her words pained her. Leah was a hard ass but this cut deep. Her face scrunched up slightly as the tears fell from her eyes and she quickly swatted them away with her hand. She was fighting this emotion just like I was fighting not to be a complete dick in my answer. Sure I didn’t love her and yes she knew and understood that but after so many years of living together it was hard for her to see a life without me in it. I guess a part of me was grateful to have her but I was not one to be guilted into love just to ease the pain of another. Maybe when I was a boy that worked but once I received that burn, I vowed never to touch that flame again.

“Leah are you serious? You above all people know how much that girl hurt me. Do you honestly think I’m going run back into her arms and suffer that pain again?”

“I just don’t want to be played for a fool Jake. If you want to be with her then be with her. I knew going into this it was a possibility and I stayed because…well…I needed you just as much as you needed me. We became each others punching bag but a fool I’m not, so if it’s over, just say it and we end this here.”

“I can’t believe you are pulling this bullshit now. It’s not enough that I had to see her but now you add to the mound of bullshit with your own. You know what Leah, take the car and go home. I’m out.” I hollered as I put the car in park, got out and slammed the door behind me.

I stood there brewing with anger not sure what to do. I knew what my body wanted but it was fighting with my minds will to stay and iron this out. I couldn’t lose my ace in the pocket just yet but at the same time, this wasn’t a topic I really wanted to talk about at the moment.

I turned to walk away and out of the corner of my eye I saw Leah shuffle over to the drivers side and roll down the window.

“Jake please don’t go, I’m sorry,” she pleaded as the tears coated her soft caramel skin. Leah was a beautiful woman but she just wasn’t the woman I wanted or needed. 

“You should know better than that Leah. Sorry doesn’t exist in my vocabulary” I replied as I turned and ran off.

I pushed my muscles to the brink of exhaustion as I moved through the streets like a cat in the night. My muscled burned as my mind pushed more and more frustration out through my body. When I had finally gotten too winded to run any further, I looked up and realized I was back where it all started. 

I stood before the Swan house as I had so many times before. However this time, I wasn’t some stupid kid lusting after the unattainable girl in school. I was a man. A man driven by need, anger, rage, desire and lust for the woman that lived within this gloomy home. 

Ever since Charlie died, the house had taken on a much darker appearance. The grass had withered and died leaving just dirt in its place. The beautiful flowers arrangements and welcome sign had long wilted and been removed. There was no joy left in this home and it was plainly obvious no joy would be found there as well. 

I walked over to the tree next to Bella’s window and looked up. Her light was out which surprised me so I glanced over to the neighboring window and noticed the light was on. She must be in the shower. My dick twitched at the thought of finding release within her soft lips. I pooled my strength, climbed up the tree and hung on the branch just outside her window. As if nothing had changed, the window was open and the warming smells of strawberry laced with coconut paraded my senses and made my aching muscles ease their tension. 

I stared at the window and for a moment, that window with its weathered pane, chipped paint and cracked edges, took on a whole different meaning for me. Each time I took a leap into that window I was losing a small piece of myself. Was I willing to give up my life and be the person I use to be? It was almost like I was removing myself from my life and entering a world only she and I existed in. Granted my actions were fueled by anger but on some small level it was helping me. I know its sadistic to think retribution can be found in the heat of passion but it was working for me. 

I jumped into her bedroom and heard her humming in the shower. I moved towards the cracked door and breathed in all that I was going to claim as my own. The fire deep within me was on full flame and tonight; Bella would know how much it burned.

BPOV

When I stepped into the warm shower, the beads of hot water cleansed my body of the sticky whip cream while soothing my tired legs and restless heart. I lathered up my hair with my favorite shampoo and started humming a catchy tune I had heard on my way home from the festival. Humming was definitely something new for me but today I actually enjoyed myself. Aside from the stir I received from Jake, today was a good day and apparently my mind had felt the same way. 

I leaned into the streaming water, running my hands through my hair and basking in the comfort of the heat on my skin. The shuffling of the curtain pulled me from my blissful moment and sent my heart racing. 

When my eyes regained focus standing before me was Jake. My hands instinctually moved over my body, concealing my nakedness from him. A sinister grin came upon his face as he shook his head “no”, took my hands and forced me against the tiled walls of the shower. He leaned into me, pressing his firm cock against my sex as he hissed through his teeth. 

“You don’t get to hid from me anymore Bella. You are mine now”

My body shook under his grasp. His words were like liquid sex. I hitched my leg around his waist forcing his cock hard into my eager folds. 

“Then give it to me” 

His teeth took my earlobes hostage as his fingers slipped between our legs and into my tender folds. My body arched into his touch as his fingers moved with haste in and out of me. 

“You’re so fucking wet Bella. Fuck” he hissed as he trailed his tongue from my ear down onto my neck. 

I slide my hand between us and took his cock firmly within my hands. I started to pump his thick shaft as he continued his assault on my neck. I moaned into his ear unable to contain the pleasure as it coursed through my body.

It was at that moment he stopped, pulled away from me and turned me around.

“I’m not here for your pleasure Bella. I’m here to show you what a real man feels like” he whispered as he pulled my ass towards him and my hands braced the wall as he slide between my throbbing folds at full force causing me to scream in a mixture of pain and ecstasy. He was big and although he left my body no time to adjust, I found the entire experience completely erotic.

“Fuck Jake” I moaned unable to say any more as he plowed into me from behind.

“That’s it Bella. Scream my name. Show me how much you long to have my cock buried in your pussy”.

I tried to appease his request but found he rendered me speechless as his pulsating cock hit every tender spot within me causing me unbelievable pleasure.

Unsatisfied by my lack of response, I felt his firm hand smack my ass. “Say it” he hissed and then smacked my ass again. “I want to hear you say my name”.

“Oh God…”

With his other hand he took my wet locks between his fingers, pulled my head back and leaned forward onto my back. “Tell me who pleases you Bella. Tell me I’m the only one that can make you cum”

“Its you Jake. Fuck it’s you,” I moaned as he stared to swivel his hips causing his dick to twist and turn within my tight core.

My climax was building and my legs started to shake. “Right there Jake…fuck …I’m about to” and before I could even usher the words out of my mouth my body shook and trembled as my orgasm moved through me. 

Jake continued to move in and out of me slowly but then he abruptly stopped. He pulled out, guided my weak body up, turned me around and pressed my shoulders down so I would kneel before him. “Taste what pleasure I bring you,” he whispered as he laced his hands behind my hair and guided my lips onto his head.

The mixture of our essences together was such a turn on. I laced my tongue around his firm shaft as I moved up and down with my lips. Jake wasted no time as his hips started to rock forcing his cock deeper and deeper into my mouth. I moaned at his advances causing him to pull at my hair as his cock throbbed within my mouth.

“That’s it babe. Milk it. Show me why I always come back into your bed,” he moaned. 

He wanted me to prove myself. He wanted me to show him why he sleeps with me and not her. I moved away from his member, took it within my grasp and pulled slightly indicating we were exiting. Before I could make it one step out of the door, Jake picked me up and guided his cock back into my core as he walked us over to the bed. As if my body had never felt him before, it tightened around his length and coated it as he continuously thrusted within me. He sat down and leaned back allowing me to ride us into ecstasy.

“Show me why you deserve this cock,” he whispered as his hands moved onto my breasts.

I rocked my hips upward and leaned back. I continued to roll my hips causing him to reach unbelievable depths within me. He leaned up from his position and took my nipple into his mouth as he pulled my head back by my hair. I moaned his name repeatedly as he continued to rock within me causing me to be on the brink of yet another orgasm.

His mouth was aggressive as he nipped and pulled at my nipple. “You taste so fuckin good,” he hissed as he leaned into my chest causing me to fall back taking him with me onto the floor, our bodies continuously entwined as we fell.

He continued to move inside of me faster and harder. The soft grunts that came from his lips as he pushed his demands onto my body caused me to shake violently as I coated his cock with my orgasmic cream. My wetness only fueled his rhythm as he laced demands in my ear with each thrust of his hips.

“Tell me you like feeling me deep inside of you. I want to hear how you’ve longed for me Bella”

“ Jake…I…”

“That’s it Bella, cream for me. I want to feel your bodies submission to my demands.”

I was rendered speechless as a second orgasm followed the first. My body now weak beneath him as his sweat dripped onto my cheek and his eyes stared deeply into mine. His resolve was breaking while his body took its frustration out on mine. 

“I love you,” I mouthed to him with all the sincerity in my heart. 

Within moments his seed filled me as if his will had shattered into a million pieces deep inside of me. His body gave into his desire but I could see the fight his heart still had over his willingness to surrender.

His body collapsed onto mine in exhaustion. I moved my hand up from my sides and continuously rubbed circles on his back as his breathing caught up with his body. 

The words that came from his lips nearly shattered my swooning heart and rendered me speechless with only a single tear to speak what my mind could not compose into words.

“I never stopped”


	9. Diminishing Flame

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

As I sat up in bed I thought about what my life had become. My life was like a balloon, inflated by the memory of a man I once loved and deflated by the thought that he would never again light up my life. 

It had been over a month since that night, the night that I saw a hint of the Jake I knew. After our heated embrace he whispered that he never stopped loving me and I thought I had finally broken the wall between us. My hopes were crushed when he quickly denied his true feelings and said I was the cause for his anger and hatred.

I pleaded with him to see that only with me could he truly be himself. I didn’t care if he was angry or mad because ultimately we could work past all those feelings with time and once again become the best friends we were. He denied me again and I felt for the first time in a long time, angry. His constant on again off again emotions were starting to eat away at my soul like a vulture to a dead carcass. I was getting tired of being the punching bag and the source for all his irreconcilable emotions. He never wanted to talk and when he did speak what he felt, he denied shortly after speaking it.

I will concede that threatening him was never the best option but that night I didn’t care. I was so angry that the words just slipped from my lips without any thought to the harm they would inflict. I told him if he left me alone that night he was no longer welcome in my home, life or bed. Anger is a funny thing. In the heat of the moment it burns through your body like hot molted lava from a volcano but when it has time to cool, its as hard and solid as rock. I felt the true burn that night and it wasn’t a nice feeling. 

I was tempted to chase after him and beg him to just talk to me but then I thought why should I beg? I had tried to talk to him. I tried to make him see I was sorry for the pain I had inflicted but all he wanted was his sexual retribution and although it felt wonderful to be wanted in that way, I wanted something far more precious than his body. I wanted his heart.

He was a horse with constant blinders on, stomping and parading the streets with no cares, no emotions and on a one-track path to nowhere. He knew he needed me just as much as I needed him but he was so blinded by hate he couldn’t see far enough ahead to see the future we had. I saw our future loud and clear as if God had set a trail of breadcrumbs in front of me to follow. I knew I was wrong to chose Edward over him and being the better person, I came back not only to make right what I had done wrong but to try and regain the friendship I had lost. Why couldn’t he see that? Why couldn’t he just turn off the hate? His actions infuriated me and every night since, when I felt the coldness of the night air from my unoccupied window, his anger became mine. I was brewing with such contempt you could see the burn as it sizzled off my skin.

His second-degree burn on my heart left a lasting scar but I was almost positive it wasn’t the only one he would leave. I decided that I had to stop living my life as if my world revolved around Jake Black. It was apparent to me that his world no longer revolved around me so it was best I do the same. It was strange how anger empowered me to be more, want more. I had never really known what it was like to stand on my own two feet. No one ever really made me do anything for myself. When I lived at home my dad or Jake were always there and when I left, Edward took over the strings. 

For the first time in my life I was free of the puppeteer. I had no strings guiding me and oddly enough, it felt nice. I decided to stop living in remorse and guilt and start living my life, as I should. Why should I stop enjoying things because everyone thought I should? I might have been wrong in the choices I had made but what was in the past was in the past and if I wanted my future to be brighter, I had to start making some changes.

I hopped out of bed, took a shower, enjoyed my morning cup of coffee and decided to give Mike a call. I figured the first step to a new life would be to cleanse myself of the old one. I was going to purge everything that was the old Bella and try to breath life back into this old house. I knew this would be a hard feet since my dad’s death was still fairly fresh in my mind but I knew I had to do it. I couldn’t let my past bring me down any longer. I saw the repercussions of that clearly through Jake and I didn’t want to be that person anymore.

Mike was beyond ecstatic when I called and asked for his help. He was over in less than thirty minutes with tons of empty boxes from his parent’s shop. It would seem his happy go lucky disposition was contagious because after a while, I was smiling and laughing along with him. What was supposed to be a hard day turned into a not so bad day after all. 

I won’t lie and say that packaging my father’s belongs for donation wasn’t one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life because it was. There were moments where I nearly fell to the ground debilitated by grief over the significance of his loss but Mike was great. He talked me through each attack and because of him, they became few and far between.

I had the last of my father’s stuff picked up by the end of the week and if it weren’t for Mike, I would have diminished into a precipice of grief. He held my hand firmly as the truckers loaded the last remaining boxes and hauled them a way. A piece of my childhood left as they closed the door behind themselves when they left. I managed to save one flannel shirt just so I wouldn’t forget the fragrance of his after-shave. Just the fact that I still had a small piece that was my father seemed to ease the loss just a little as I tried to piece what was left of my life back together.

Mike hung out with me for the remainder of the night and it was nice to just relax and watch movies. Before he left he mentioned something about the annual town’s Christmas gala. In all honesty I really wasn’t in the mood to celebrate the one holiday that rejoiced in the love of friends and family since right now I only had one. He insisted I consider it and even offered to be my date.

I had to give Mike credit he was persistent. I never did get back to him with a yes or no for the gala so he took it upon himself to make the decision for me. I wasn’t too thrilled with his forwardness but what do you say when a man arrives at your door in a tux bearing a corsage and dress? I could have been mean and yelled but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful so I conceded to go but under the condition that if at any time I felt uncomfortable, I could leave. Mike agreed to my terms and waited patiently while I changed.

I gave myself the once over and had to admit, the dress was stunning. It was a little revealing for my taste but the way it clung to my body in some ways and released in others, gave me a knock out appearance. 

I descended the staircase where Mike was waiting at the bottom with the corsage in hand. 

“Wow Bella…you look…beautiful” his words hitched slightly as he gave me the once over.

“Thanks” I replied and felt the warmth of a blush come to my cheeks.

Mike escorted me to the car and we were on our way. Nervousness filled me as we approached City Hall. I didn’t know what or who to expect at this event. It was a town function so I knew all the whose who in town would be there. In some respects I was grateful Mike forced me out of the house but on the other hand, I was slightly apprehensive about being there. I knew no one in town really accepted me so I prepared myself for the worst. I always thought a good rule of thumb was to expect the worst so you were never disappointed so I figured I could hold this event to the same standard. 

My hand shook as it took Mike’s aiding hand as I exited the car. The valet parked Mike’s car while I took hold of his hooked arm and walked in. The main hall was festive with the normal Christmas lights and decorations. There were numerous wait staff walking around with appetizers and drinks and I found myself almost warmed with the holiday spirit as the Christmas carols played through the loud speakers surrounding the hall. 

We met up with a few of Mike’s friends and relatives and for the most part the night was going off without a hitch. I felt more relaxed as the alcohol in the champagne started to have its numbing effect on me. I didn’t really realize how boozed up I was until the room started to tilt slightly and I felt off balance. 

Mike was quick to react to my impending fall and offered me a seat at a neighboring table. I sat down for a bit trying to refocus and that’s when I saw them. You would think with over a month apart his presence would have less of an impact but it was the complete opposite. My blood pressure rose and the alcohol only induced the sweat now filling my hands and brow. The once holiday cheer I shared changed and only anger and hurt remained. My hands grasped the sides of the table as I held on for dear life. There were so many things I wanted to say. I wanted to storm over there and tell him how much he burned me but I couldn’t. I watched as he made his rounds with Leah and from the looks of it he seemed completed dazed. I focused my attention as he spoke and I could see a hidden sadness that I had never noticed before. I shook my head of the notion that he was actually remorseful for all the pain he put me through. This Jake didn’t care if he hurt me or not, he made that quiet clear so what was it? 

Our eyes finally met after a short while and I could almost see my Jake pleading for help through his firm stare. His eyes spoke volumes to his strained demeanor and for the first time I didn’t see Jake Black, I saw Jacob Black. My body quivered as he continued to stare at me. I wanted to run over and just hug him but I knew now wasn’t the time. The strong Bella screamed to deliver onto him what he had done to her but the old Bella wanted to make everything right. 

I was so conflicted over what I should do. My whole intention was to make amends but I had done that hadn’t I? I was the one giving myself freely to him this whole time and all he did was through it back in my face. No. I wasn’t going to give in anymore. I was tired of being the recipient of all his hate. He had to learn that although I was sorry I wasn’t his puppet. My feelings mattered just as much as his did. The flame that burned strongly for him within my heart was diminishing as the strength of my will took over. I wasn’t going to be tormented by my guilt any longer. 

Tonight he was going to have to decide and I just hoped the burn he felt for me meant more than the candle he held for her.

 

JPOV

Jacob Black strikes again. That wimpy little bastard buried in the dark recesses of my heart stuck his head out and whispered the nonsense that seeped through my lips while I was with Bella. The internal battle I was having with myself before, during and after sex with her was something I couldn’t even describe. I wanted to love her and some small part of me still does but I couldn’t let her know that. I couldn’t let her see that she had managed to break my ice enclosure and massage my dead heart back to life. I swore I wouldn’t allow her back in because she made me the miserable man I once was. 

I guess a small part of me wanted to be the Jake she knew and loved while the colder side wanted her to reap the rewards of the byproduct she created. The darker side of me came back around afterwards and when she threatened me after I wouldn’t submit to her demands, he took his reign over my heart once again. I didn’t take kindly to demands, never have and never will. I had bent over backwards for her and what did I get, heartache. I wasn’t going to submit to her will just because she thought herself worthy of it, no. I wasn’t ready to allow the virus known as Bella Swan to infect me once again only to kill what was left of my heart.

I ran home trying to diffuse the conflict running ramped in my head. When I reached my house, the light was still on in the bedroom and I knew I was in for another hard night. I decided in that moment that distance was what I needed. Bella had infused herself too much in my life right now and I needed time away from her to reconcile my thoughts. 

I walked through the front door and just sat on the couch, my head resting in my hands trying to understand what I was doing. I knew that eventually Bella would find a way to bring back the man once known as Jacob Black but I hadn’t anticipated his arrival for some time. The way she touched me, her words of remorse and love seeped into my skin like lotion, soothing my ailments and comforting my bruised heart. 

It took no time for Leah to appear from the bedroom and find a seat next to me on the couch. I looked over at her and her face looked weathered and flushed from crying. It would seem old Jake and his pity party were still hard at work as I started to feel guilty over the harshness of my words I had inflicted on her earlier that evening. I was a miserable bastard and for the most part I was ok with my child like behavior. However, at this moment, I felt lower than dirt. 

I knew what I had done to Leah was wrong and continues to be wrong but I couldn’t gather the strength to let her go. She accepted me at my worst and I owed it to her to see whatever it was we had through. I knew it was wrong to lead her on while I still had strong feelings for Bella but I just couldn’t muster the strength to let her go. She was my safety net incase I fell and as long as I had her, nothing Bella could through at me would hurt quiet as bad.

We didn’t speak that night, as there wasn’t really much to say. She was hurting because of me and I knew there was nothing I could say to make it right. She knew I wasn’t into apologies even though she probably could see them shooting through my pained eyes. 

The following weeks carried on as if that night had never happened. We never spoke about it or hinted on it at all. Life was continuing on as usual, boring and normal. I worked at the garage and she at the hospital and we communed at night with small chat and humorous banter. 

I can’t say Bella never entered my mind in those few weeks but the flame I held for her diminished as time moved on. My body did yearn for her but my mind fought my urges head on. My thoughts reminded me that she was more lethal to my way of life than I had originally anticipated and maybe with time I could fall out of love for her like she had me all those years ago.

Leah had convinced me to attend the annual Christmas Gala that Friday night and although I fought like tooth and nails not to go, her puppy dog eyes hit my heart like a sledgehammer so I conceded. I waited for her to finish dressing and when she appeared from the bedroom I have to say, she looked amazing. Leah was never one to get dolled up but when she did, she was a knock out. She walked towards me holding a small box in her hands and although we agreed not to exchange gifts, she was never one to obey any rules.

I looked at her questionably as she handed me the box, She just smiled and motioned for me to open it. I opened it cautiously not sure of its contents. I nearly lost my footing as I saw the test underneath the cotton lining of the box. I looked up at her and she was practically glowing with enthusiasm.

I can’t say I shared the same sentiment. I wasn’t ready to be anyone’s father and I sure as hell wasn’t ready to be a husband. Leah deserved better and I knew I couldn’t be the man or father she needed for her baby. 

“Are you sure?” the words seeping from my lips with no thought of the consequences.

Her glow diminished as her eyes moved back and forth on mine trying to get a read on whether I was being humorous or nasty.

“What?” her lips quivering as she whispered her response.

“I’m going to be a…”

“Yes Jake. A daddy”

Her confirmation felt like a lethal blow to the head. I wasn’t ready for this. I didn’t want to be a father. I tried to turn the happy smile on but my mind and body were not in compliance with one another at the moment. She saw my distort look and I could see I was hurting her with each breath I took.

She snatched the box from me and whimpered her way back to the bedroom slamming the door behind her. I didn’t run after her because I knew there was nothing I could say that would ease her pain. I couldn’t lie and say I was happy when I wasn’t. I waited a bit and then hollered to her as if this moment never transpired.

“We’re going to be late”

She exited the bedroom, wiping the lingering tears from her eyes. She moved past me and made her way out to the car. I followed behind her and we drove in silence to the party. 

When we arrived, she placed her hand on mine before we exited. 

“Jake I know this might not be what you want but it is happening. I’m sorry I can never be Bella but I hope you will do the right thing here”.

Her words were sincere but they only fueled the confusion and empowered the anger within me.

“Do the right thing? You told me you were on the pill. You told me I didn’t need a fucking condom and then you pull this. I think you should take a good look at yourself honey, you sure as hell didn’t do the right thing by me so what makes you so deserving?”

I exited the vehicle on that note and slammed the door. My words like liquid hate onto her desperate ears. If there was one thing about Leah she was resilient. She didn’t allow my hate to penetrate her heart because she had to put on her game face for the party. I knew she had more to add but now was not the time. We had to play nice in front of her friends so she bit her lip and followed me inside.

We moved amongst the crowd acting as fake as possible. You would’ve never known either one of us were conflicted through our grins and kind gestures. I stood behind her as she chatted away with our mutual so called friends just nodding and smiling occasionally to show face.

As I causally glanced around during conversation, my eyes fell upon Bella. Her eyes locked onto mine instantly and the look she gave me rattled my very soul. There was something different about her. Her demeanor no longer seemed mousy and withdrawn but empowered some how. I almost longed to be within her gravitational pull just to feel the empowerment she exhumed. 

My chest tightened as thoughts of this new issue between Leah and I traipsed into my mind. It was true that I did in fact love Bella more than Leah but adding a baby to the mix dampened any hope that Bella and I had. I never doubted Bella would come back into my life at some point and I wouldn’t be lying to say that eventually I knew her place would be with me but with a baby on the way I knew my dreams would never come to fruition. The thought sat on my chest and made me short of breathe. 

I felt the truth burn through my skin and take hold of my heart. I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. For once Jake Black felt trapped by his fears and burdened by his future. 

I clung to my chest as the truth continued to restrict my lungs and suffocate me. I had to get some air. I had to get out. Leah sensing my distress turned to help me but I just pushed her away. 

I moved past the crowd and ran out the back door eager to break free of the stale air of truth. I bent over and tried to let the cool air filter into my lungs and ease my strain. It was at that moment I felt a warm hand come upon my back. I looked over and there she was. The woman I had fought so hard to distance myself from in fear she would rekindle the broken man locked deep inside of me. I wanted to push her away but felt helpless against my own need.

I moved up from my bent position and without warning she moved in and wrapped her arms around my waist and hugged me. I didn’t know what to do, my mind fighting her advances and my body giving in to her comfort. I surrendered and wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly to me. I leaned my head down onto her shoulder and allowed the old Jake to say what I had felt all along but fought hard never to utter. 

“I need you.”


	10. Surrendering to the Heat of the Flame

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

 

JPOV

The epic battle between love and hate waged a war in my mind. My mind aka Jake, wanted to hate and bring retribution while my heart aka Jacob, wanted compassion. My back was against the wall, the pressure of choice pressing against my chest with so much force it was becoming hard to breathe. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. My life used to be simple once and then puberty hit and all that encompassed my world was Bella.

I can’t begin to describe the emptiness I felt the day she left and all this time all I wanted to do was show her how much it burned. My life was an endless circle of hatred and anger. I never allowed anyone remotely close to me for fear of being hurt as badly as she hurt me. Nevertheless, here I stood, choking on the very anger I was conflicted with asking for help from the one person I never thought possible. The three words I had hoped never to utter audibly fell from my lips as if they were common place. These three words not in my vocabulary since she left now flowed as if my heart won the war over my minds intent. 

She held me letting love and compassion radiate off her skin like she could burn the fear and hurt right out of me. The warmth of her embrace melted my resolve and for the first time in a long time, I felt my own heart beat within my chest. Its rhythm racing with each moment our bodies stayed united and hopeful that maybe the ice had finally thawed from around its muscular form.

It would seem Jacob had won his battle for tonight and Jake lied in the cage where he once resided. The feeling of sadness, hurt, remorse and compassion flowed through my veins burning the very lining of my muscles as it pumped throughout my body. My cheeks flush as the rush hit my face and my eyes spilled tears of joy making it almost unbearable to see in front of me.

I hated being so vulnerable especially when in her presence. I was always a pillar of strength and now I crumbled into the very arms that once crumbled beneath mine. I was allowing the flame that burned within her to scorch my skin and melt away the hurt I had felt for so long. 

I felt so weak. I felt like I had lost all control and although it angered me, I was too lost in my own drama to care. I needed her to comfort me. I needed her to tell me she would be there no matter what. There was so much I needed but I lacked the voice to actually speak my mind. 

I thought men who cried were pussy’s. A real man never showed fear, hurt or pain and any man who did, was whipped but here I stood, doing that very thing and for once it felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

I was allowing her to carry the cross of hate that rested heavily on my shoulders for so many years and it actually felt good not to have the weight anymore. All along all I had ever wanted was for her to see the pain she caused and it took my emotional breakdown for it to happen. 

She pulled away from me and moved her hand to cup my face. I felt like a child being nurtured by their mother. I rested my head into the palm of her hand while she wiped the lingering tears from my eyes. Jacob had finally risen from the depths of my soul and taken claim of my body. 

There was no anger or mal-intent towards Bella when Jacob was present. He had an unrelenting devotion towards her as if nothing had ever happened. Jake screamed from his cage to stop. He scraped and clawed at the iron bars that held him pleading not to surcome to the beauty of her flame. 

Jacob turned a deaf ear to his minds desperate pleas. He would willingly surrender to the heat of her flame because he loved her that much. He never stopped loving her even when she said the most hanus of things towards him. Bella was his life, love and endless happiness and if he only had tonight to show her his true feelings, tonight would be an unending night of passion.

“I’ve missed you Jacob,” her words soft and soothing.

I took her face within my hands, my thumbs rubbing circles into her flush cheeks as I stared at her. I had waited my entire life for this moment. My heart ached with such need it was almost unbearable to stand within her grasp and not claim her as my own.

I heard a few party-goers exiting the hall laughing and carrying on in their drunken state. Their abrupt entrance into our intimate moment reminded me of how public our affections had been. I pulled her into my chest, the warmth of her body fueling my unyielding need for more. 

“I wish I could show you how much I’ve truly missed you Bells. Leave your window open tonight and remember I’ve never stopped loving you.”

I abruptly pulled away and left her standing in the parking lot dumbfounded by my change in character. I moved past several of the existing party goers and made my way back to Leah. I placed my hand on her back letting her know I had returned and although she looked at me dazed and confused, I simply smiled and engaged in the topic of conversation.

It would appear I had become the master of disguise. I could fake it with the best of them and knowing that I was going to see Bella later on, made me uncharacteristically smile at the notion.

We stayed for about an hour and when I saw Leah continuously yawning, I knew it was time to leave. On the ride home the air was filled with repressed anger and hurt. Normally I would have turned a blind eye to the fact that she was huffing and sighing continuously the whole way but since Jacob was prevalent in my mind, his compassionate heart decided to inquire.

I pulled over about a block from the house, turned the car off and sat back in the seat waiting for hells fury to come at me with her arsenal of contempt and hatred. We sat there in silence for longer than my patience would allow so I decided to initiate the conversation.

“Speak your peace” my voice sincere yet firm

“There is nothing to say Jake. Obviously I and this baby are a huge inconvenience for your pathetic excuse for a life so what can I say. I know I can’t force you to be a father or to love me like you love her but I didn’t think it would be too much to ask for just the slightest bit of joy. I mean we are having a baby. Doesn’t that mean anything to you or are you so jaded you don’t remember what joy feels like?”

The bars that contained Jake were weakening as the anger grew within me. I closed my eyes and tried to focus the anger away and let the empathy seep through instead.

“Leah, you have to understand where I’m coming from here. This whole pregnancy came out of nowhere. Did you even think for a moment that maybe I wasn’t ready to have a child. I mean what kind of life can we provide? It’s no mystery that you and I don’t hold the same feelings for one another so what joy can we bring a child? I’m not walking away from my responsibilities although I feel I have every right to. I will see this thing through because I know ultimately it is not the baby’s fault we gave it life however, don’t think for one second that that changes anything. I will not be trapped into a relationship because of this child.”

She turned her attention away from me as my words seemed to crush any hope she might have had for us. I wasn’t going to lie to her and promise her something I was never willing to offer to begin with. She knew me well enough to know that so I wasn’t really sure why she would allow herself to get into this mess to begin with. 

I was a cluster fuck, a man with so much emotional baggage it could sink the titanic so why get caught up with someone like me? Maybe she was desperate for love and was willing to do or say anything to receive it. Maybe she saw a light at the end of my tirade that I didn’t. 

I knew Leahs’s history like she knew mine. She was engaged to be married before we hooked up and two days before her wedding, she found her cousin in bed with her fiancé and it destroyed her. We found each other in our darkest hour and I guess on some level she saw me as her saving grace but I was anything but. I didn’t know what more to say or do to make her see I wasn’t father or boyfriend material. 

Her anger got the best of her and that’s when the tantrum started. She turned to me, hate and anger shooting out of her eyes trying to penetrate my heart and make me feel the pain she felt by my words. She didn’t know my heart was impenetrable to her feelings. I was numb to the feelings of anyone up until tonight and even when Jacob was present, he too knew how to turn the emotional faucet off at the right time. 

“I’m so done! I’ve had it with this bullshit. I’m so fucking tired of catering to your on again off again emotional bullshit. In case you haven’t noticed Jake, I’ve been the one who has put up with your irrational behavior since SHE left. I’M the one who took care of you. I’m the one who loved you NOT her so now you are going to sit here and tell me you want no part of it. Fine! You’re out. You are free to go running back into her arms but don’t come crying to me when she break your heart again. I’m not going to be your punching bag anymore. You think I’m blind don’t you. You think I don’t see the way you look at her or how your demeanor changes when she’s in the room but I do. You really need to take a good look at yourself and start to prioritize your life Jake. You need to decide what is good for now and what is right for your future but I can tell you she isn’t. She never was. She left you as if you meant nothing and now you are just going to let her back in. You’re pathetic and I want nothing more to do with you.”

She swung open the door, slammed it behind her and stormed towards the house. The right thing to do would be to go after her but that wasn’t me. There was nothing I could say that would silence her pain because she was right. I was pathetic and with Jacob at the helm I was going to prove that point tonight.

I put the car in gear and sped off. I arrived at Bella’s house in no time and stood outside her window. Tonight I was going to show her just how much I missed her and although I might lose myself in the moment it was worth every second of it.

 

BPOV

My heart raced at the thought that my Jacob had finally come back to me. The man I had had sex with these last couples of nights was merely a shell of the man I once knew and loved but tonight I saw Jacob. His words sang to my pained heart and reignited the heat that burned deep within me. 

It felt like all the hurt and pain I had experienced since my return was finally worth it. I had finally melted the ice around his heart and received my prize. I clapped my hands together over my mouth in excitement. After my momentary bliss I recomposed myself and headed back inside.

When I entered the hall, I noticed Mike still chatting away with a few of his friends by the bar. I walked over and excused him from the crowd for a minute.

“I’m not feeling so hot so I think I’m going to head home. Is it ok if I take your truck and give it back tomorrow?” my eyes fluttering while I held my stomach trying to give a look of discomfort.

“I can drop you home Bella. I’m kind of tired myself”

“Oh don’t be silly Mike, you are having fun. Don’t let me rain on your parade. I promise I will return the truck early tomorrow”

He rustled through his pockets and handed me his keys. I thanked him, pecked him on the cheek and made my way out to the truck. 

Once I arrived home, my mind was filled with so much excitement I found it hard to sit still. I had changed out of my dress into my silk nightie and hoped Jacob would arrive soon. After a few hours my enthusiasm faded and once again I felt the seed of doubt makes it ways into my heart.

I lied on the bed wrapped up in my sheets praying my moment with Jacob wasn’t my mind playing tricks on me or worse, Jake playing me for a fool. The cool breeze from my window, a constant reminder that I was alone, blanketed me in sadness. I resorted to the fact that maybe there was no chance for us. Maybe my want and need were purely an illusion in and of itself.

My tears consoled me as I fell asleep. I prayed my dreams would be a welcome reprieve for my troubled heart.

My dreams were interrupted when I felt the warmth of his skin crawl on top of me from the base of my bed. My eyes fluttered open to find Jacob hovering over my body with a look of complete and utter passion within his stare. My hands instinctually rose to cup his face as tears of joy fell from my eyes. He smiled, leaned down and took my lips within his allowing all the love and compassion I knew my Jacob to have, flow from his heart into mine. His emotions cradling my heart within its warm embrace and allowing the desire and need to run ramped throughout my body.

I wrapped my arms around his body trying to confirm this wasn’t a dream and when his tongue ran softly along my lower lip, I knew my Jacob had returned. I welcomed his advances as I laced my legs around his back. Our bodies melted together like hot wax over a cool stone. Our hands caressed each other’s skin as our mouths spoke volumes to the feelings in our hearts.

His hand moved from my sides down to cup my aching core. My body instinctually rose to his hand eager to feel the joys he had in store for me. His lips slowly trailed from mine as he lowered his body downward leaving small kisses on his descent.

My hands gripped the sheets in anticipation while his warm breath teased the short hairs of my pooling core and his tongue ran the length of my throbbing lips. My hips buckled slightly at his touch and within moments his tongue was deep within me stroking my aching body to the height of pleasure. 

“Oh god” I moaned unable to contain the pleasure his tongue was delivering.

His hands moved under my rear forcing my hips upward to meet his assaults. His tongue continuously moving in and out of me as his nose rubbed along my tender clit. 

“I’m so close babe” I moaned as I felt the tingling form in my hands and slowly move across my body. His tongue made one last lick before moving back up to meet my lips.

Our lips moved in unison with one another heated with desire and lust. He pulled away for a moment, our bodies ignited in passion and our hearts racing with desire.

“I want to feel the heat of your flame as you cum baby. I want to feel all the love you have for me coat my cock as your climax. I want you to surrender to me Bella. Give yourself to me”

“I only burn for you Jacob” I replied and then crashed my lips onto his as he swiftly pushed himself deep within me.

I whimpered into our kiss, the feel of his firmness stretching my inner walls while forcing my climax as he moved within me.

I felt my body tighten around him forcing his body to move more vigorously within me. He moved from my lips and rested his head beside mine as I clawed at his back in ecstasy. His grunts and moans sent me over the edge, my body spilling the love and passion I had held back until now. 

I shook and quivered underneath his heated body while his climax came mere seconds after mine. A single tear fell from my eyes when through his labored breath I heard the three words I had longed to hear

“I love you Bella”.

It was in that moment I knew Jake was no more and Jacob had in fact returned to me. I closed my eyes as the tears came with more frequently as I pressed my lips to the side of his neck in acknowledgement. This was the man I loved and the man my heart burned for. Tonight marked the end of Bella and Jake and the return of Bells and her Jacob.


	11. Third Degree Burn

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

 

BPOV

Jake’s body lied restless beneath me, his mental distress vocalized through his frequent mumbling as he slept. The warmth of his body was a comfort I hadn’t felt in a long time. Each engagement we had since we started down this path had been hours of heated passion followed by a few brief moments of heated debate. I would beg him not to go and he, being the person he was, never gave me a good enough reason why he had to leave.

I never pressed the issue. I knew it was unfair of me to ask him to be something he wasn’t. I had created the passion as well as the pain and up until now, I was ok with being whatever he wanted me to be. 

However, after his disappearance and now reappearance in my life, I had found the strength to stand up for what I wanted. I didn’t want to be his booty call or girl on the side. I wanted more out of our relationship than just the occasional sex encounter and awkward silence. 

I knew what we needed to do to progress; we needed to start from scratch. We both needed to start our relationship off with a clean slate. I didn’t care if that meant we had to start off as just friends and work our way back into each others arms, that was fine by me. I had atoned for the pain I had caused him and now I was ready for the healing to begin. 

Last night had shown me that my Jacob truly did exist and that Jake was merely a byproduct of my hasty decision to leave with Edward. I glanced up and noticed his face seemed strained. I ran my hand up from his chest and placed it softly on his cheek hoping my warm touch would ease his suffering. He looked so conflicted as if he mind was at war with itself. I wondered if he had ever known peace. 

I moved up and rested my head on his shoulder and whispered into his ear “I love you Jacob” the words flowing so easily from my lips.

I know it might seem cowardly to whisper such words of endearment while he slept, but it was the only way I knew he would accept such affections. I wanted to tell him so much but I knew that Jake would be unaccepting of such kindness. 

The present Jake saw only hurt and knowing that about him, I shielded my emotions from him if only to save myself the heartache of his cold shoulder. He had no idea how our sessions truly healed me and I hoped in turn they would do the same for him. 

In the heat of passion he made my heart feel complete. It was a sense of fullness I hadn’t experienced since childhood. The void in my heart was slowly being claimed by its true owner and I was finally starting to heal from all the pain of my past wrongs. I wish there was some way to make him feel the same. I wish there was some way I could heal the scorching burns I left on his heart. I had hoped that with each passionate experience, he would slowly heal as I had and tonight was the first time I actually saw that dream come to fruition. The confidence that built within me empowered me to want to make this work.

Tonight I would make my intentions known and hell or high water, Jake would have to decide whether to face the storm with me or drown within its wrath.

I felt him pull away from me. I disregarded his sudden shift as his body just adjusting into the softness of the bed. I pulled away slightly and when I realized he was not only awake but consciously pulling away, my heart sank into my stomach and the acid built in my throat.

He moved from beneath me and stood up from the bed. I watched as he followed through the familiar motions of times past. I was completely baffled by his actions and crawled to the edge of the bed, reaching out for him to stop.

“Don’t” he hissed under his breath as he moved to the other side of the room to retrieve his shirt.

“I can’t do this anymore” I whispered as the pain of his distance crushed my heart.

The trembles of his steps as they vibrated through the bed came to a halt. I prayed my words would have some lasting impact and make him see that I couldn’t carry on in a relationship based on mere sexual release. It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy it or that some small part of me didn't desire it, I just wanted, no needed it to be leading towards something more. I took his aggression in stride hoping that eventually he would see my regret and start to heal as I had but apparently his mind was too set on continuing on this road of destruction and I had to make him see he was going it alone.

He turned to me, a shell of the man I had made love to hours before. My eyes stared deeply into his searching for just a hint of the man I loved amongst the shrouds of coldness his returning glare displayed. 

“Do what Bella? You can’t do what? Be with me?” 

His stance became firm as the anger rose within him each moment I refrained from answering. I took a deep breath, mustered what little strength was within me to do what I had to do. What I knew was right.

“I love you Jacob. I’ve always loved you but it has become clear to me I’m in love with a man that no longer existence. I’m starting to think never existed. You told me you loved me. You told me you needed me but how can you say these things when you don’t know what they mean? How can you love and hate someone all at the same time? I want to be with you. I allowed you into my bed, into my life to show you that and all you do is take. You take until there is no more left for me to give. I can’t go on like this anymore. I love you but as much as I love you, I hate who you have become.” 

The tears flared in my eyes as I tugged on the sheets covering me. I hated being so bold and blunt but it seemed the only way he would stay long enough to hear me. I knew Jake didn’t take kindly to threats but what other option did I have. I had to make him see he didn’t love me, he was hurting me and I couldn’t continue to allow such pain into my life anymore.

Out of all the emotions I thought Jake would experience, humor was not one of them. He started to laugh as he buckled his pants and put on his shoes. 

“Ironic isn’t it? You sit there and place your demands on me like you have some god given right to do so. You created this Bella. The day you told me you wished I never existed in your life was the day your precious Jacob disappeared from this world. YOU did this! Not me. You’re the one who took off with your little boyfriend and decided that our friendship and love meant nothing. You’re the one who created this play pen and now you are going to sit here and tell me you don’t want to play? You are something else. If anyone has the right to say anything it would be Leah. She was the one with me every night, dealing with the hell that was Jake Black. She was there when all I did was throw and hit things in fits of anger and despair. She was the one who comforted me all those lonely nights when I felt my heart threatening to stop beating. But I denied her my love because in some small way, I knew you would come back. I knew you would weave your way back into my life because I knew, Edward wasn’t right for you. I warned you. I told you he would suck the life right out of you but you didn’t listen. You chose him over me and that was the day Jacob Black died and Jake Black was born. I’m not going to chase after you Bella. If you want to leave then leave. I’m done with being your play thing and I’m done playing the I love you, I love you not bullshit game. You knew going into this what the situation was going to be and just because all of a sudden you have a conscious I’m just supposed to change? No! You want out then fine. You’re out.” 

He moved towards the window, raised it and attempted to crawl out. 

“Who’s running now?” I whispered feeling absolutely nothing but contempt.

The tears never stopped forming in my eyes as the hurt and anger slowly built within me. This was not the Jacob I loved and he would have never said such things to hurt me. His anger drove microscopic needles into my heart with each hateful word that spilled from his lips. My heart was not deflated and no longer capable of loving a man so filled with resentment. 

He shook his head and continued to climb out the window. Through all my anger, I had one last moment of weakness, hoping with one last plea Jacob would fight for dominance and reclaim his love for me. I crawled over to the window, grabbed his arm and whispered “Stay”.

He pulled himself out of my grasp and descended down the window. I felt like I was Jacob and he was me over two years ago when this very situation had played itself out however, unlike two years ago, I was the beggar. I guess it’s right what they say, what goes around comes around. 

To some degree I knew he was right but in some ways he couldn’t be more wrong. I wasn’t the same person I was when I left and if his mind wasn’t so cloud with anger, he would have been able to see that. 

I moved back over to the bed and lied down, basking in the soft scent of his cologne on my pillow. I knew tonight marked the end of Jake and Bells and the start of a life without the flame to guide me. Tonight I received the final burn to my heart and it was one I wasn’t sure I could ever recover from.

The position Jake left me in was the same position I remained in for a little over a week. I got out of bed to eat and bathe but then returned back to the place I had last felt loved. It was within these sheets, the true passion that was Jacob and Bella last resided and it was here I felt most comforted. I peered over to the windowsill every night after his departure and every night I was hurt by the fact that he had not returned. I had hoped he would eventually see the error of his ways and return to me, but he never had. 

I guess a small part of me knew this was inevitable and that it was more of a wakeup call than anything else. What we were doing wasn’t right in so many ways and I guess all along I knew that but I just lacked the strength to believe it.

I decided after the second straight week of grief that Forks was no longer my home and I was better off starting someplace new. I decided to leave this town and Jake because I didn’t like the person I had become and in order for me to truly move on, I had to move out. This decision didn’t come easily and without regret but I had to do it.

I realized in the two grueling weeks without Jake that I deserved better. I might have been a miserable friend but I would be damned if I would continue to grieve over things I had no power to change. The one thing I could change was me and starting today, things were going to change for the better. 

I stared up at my house as I started the car. I felt like all the pain and hurt resided in that house but as much as I hated the structure, I didn’t have the heart to part with it. I would leave Forks but in some strange way my heart would always stay here, in this house, along with all my memories. Today I was creating new memories for myself; ones I hoped would make me the strong woman I had always hoped to be. Today I said good bye to Forks and hello to my unwritten future.

JPOV

The internal battle of Jacob vs. Jake had officially been fought and won. Jacob had won the night and Jake had won overall. I had managed to stuff that cheesy bastard back into his cage after his love affair with Bella. This wasn’t to say I hadn’t found pleasure in our union but at the same time, he had said things I wasn’t really comfortable with saying just yet. Did I love Bella? Of course, but did she deserve to hear it just yet? In my opinion, no. 

Her threats of not being able to handle me sent me over the edge. I unleashed all the hate and pain I had endured the two years she was away in two short minutes. I have to admit, I felt lighter and for once at peace with myself. 

However as her eyes fell upon mine, the joy was short lived. The pain that fell in the form of tears down her cheek shattered my hate and brought forth the grief I had fought all these years to suppress. The burning in my chest was unbearable and I felt choked by the very air I fought to breathe in. I had to get out. I couldn’t stand in her presence any longer because the longer I did, the easier it was for dear Jacob to reemerge and apologize.

She begged me to stay, her pleas falling on deaf ears as I pulled away and crawled down the side of her house. God knows I wanted to stay and continue to unleash the pain I had held in for far too long but I couldn’t. The longer I stayed the weaker I became.

I decided to run home. I pushed all the anger, guilt and frustration out of my heart and into the muscles in my legs. I ran faster and harder than I had ever ran before. When I reached the house, I fell to my knees right outside the main walkway, exhausted both physically and emotionally. 

My heart raced as the blood throbbed through my veins as I caught my breath. I could hear Jacob screaming in my head, almost pleading for me to go back and reclaim her. In my weakened state I nearly gave in to his will if only to silence him but then I thought, what the point was? She was clearly done with our relationship and I knew in my present state I had nothing more to offer her. 

It was in that moment I had clarity. If I ever wanted Bella to be in my life, my life had to change. I knew my current state was unhealthy and I not only hurt myself but everyone around me. If the one person I cared for most couldn’t stand the sight of me, was that motivation enough to change? 

I felt so conflicted over what I should do. Should I once again submit to the will of Bella and be the man she knew and loved or should I continue to live a life of distance and loneliness? I was tired of always being angry and I was tired of living this life of never really moving forward. I had allowed my hurt to take control over every aspect of my life and to some degree it wasn’t entirely Bella’s fault. I had become weaker than I claimed her to be. I had allowed her poor judgment to predicate my future actions. I had to reclaim my life if there was ever any hope of having one.

I walked into the house and grabbed my duffel bag from the hall closet. I stuffed some cloths and essentials and headed for the door. I heard Leah call out to me just as I went to open the door.

I turned to face her and whispered the only thing I could without hurting her “I’m sorry”.

I didn’t allot her time to rebut or argue. I had made my decision. Tonight I would leave Forks and all the hate behind. Tonight I reclaimed my life.


	12. Seeking The Light

A/N – so I decided to change it up a bit. Each POV will start off in the present and then advance four years which will be noted. I hope it doesn’t confuse you and you enjoy it.

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

As I got farther and farther away from the place I once called home, I couldn’t help but feel empty inside. I had never known what it felt like to stand on my own two feet. In my youth I relied heavily on my parents to give me security and when that faltered, I turned my sights on Edward and finally to Jake. I hadn’t realized how dependent on others I had truly become until there was no one standing in line to help me. I was completely alone. The thought scared the shit out of me but strangely out of all this doubt, I could see a flicker of light at the end of this dark journey. 

I was in control of my own fate now. I had no one pulling my strings, guiding me into the life they saw me fit to live. I could decide my own journey and that was both exciting and new for me. I can’t say that my heart didn’t ache that Jake wasn’t joining me on this journey. As much as I hated the person he made me to be, I found myself almost grateful because he had shown me what I neglected to see all along. I was traveling down the same destructive path he was. I allowed my conscious to be manipulated and my heart to be torn to shreds over a love lost long ago. I was no use to anyone or myself in this state and if I hadn’t been with him, I would have never had the strength to move on and lead my own life. 

I hoped he would understand that my departure was necessary for the both of us. I hoped he would see we were more destructive together than apart and most of all, I hoped once we did find our true path, our lines would cross again under much better circumstances.

I had no predetermined destination. I just drove and followed wherever my thoughtless mind took me. Was it coincidence that I ended up back in Seattle? I suppose. This was where I had lived with Edward and where I had thought my truly happiness lied. I was tempted to drive off and leave this portion of my life as well, but something told me to stay. I wasn’t sure why I felt so compelled to be here but on some small level I knew if I was to make it in this world; I needed to finish my education. Sure there were thousands of other colleges that I could attend but the hassle of transferring credits and financial aid seemed more of a pain in the ass then just dealing with the possibility of running into Edward. 

The campus was large so the possibility of actually running into him was minimal. Once I had convinced myself to stay and finish my education, I ventured out to buy the local paper and start looking for an apartment. Granted I wanted to be close to school but at the same time, I didn’t want to increase my chances of actually running into Edward living closer than I needed to be. 

I randomly searched the ads and was disappointed that most of the apartments were a little out of my price range. It was no secret that I had acquired a bit of pocket change from dad’s pension and life insurance but I didn’t want to be frivolous with my money either. It would be at least three years before college was over and I still had rent and tuition to pay.

I pulled over to the local diner and decided to grab a bite to eat. You could imagine my surprise when the waitress approached me and it was none other than that tramp Tanya. I couldn’t help but giggle under my breath. This snot nose tramp was the woman who had stolen Edward from me and here she was at my beckon call. Curiosity was burning a hole in my mind and I couldn’t help but inquire about her new found employment.

“Tanya wow! What a small world huh? I would have never taken you for a waitress but here you are.” My voice laced with the highest degree of sarcasm.

“Oh Bella. I hardly recognized you. Not getting much sleep these days huh?”

“Actually I’ve never been better. So tell me, how is Edward?”

Her demeanor quickly changed as she sighed. Edward was never one to stay very long. I knew she, like me, had become another notch under his belt. I sort of felt bad for her. It was strange, as much as I wanted to hate her, I knew she was just as naïve as I was and now found herself empty and lost.

“He left you too huh?”

“Yeah. After you left he was never the same. He blamed me for everything and about a week later, I caught him getting his rocks off with some hussy in the back of his beamer. What a dick!”

I couldn’t help but giggle under my breath. 

“Yeah he didn’t have much to offer in that department.”

She laughed and replied “You could say that again. That magnifying glass was killing my eyes.”

We both busted out laughing. It was nice to find humor in a situation that would have otherwise been rather uncomfortable. 

“So what brings you back to this hell hole Bella?”

“Well I thought I might finish up school and then who knows.”

“Ahhh ok. Well what can I get ya?”

“Coffee would be great thanks.”

“Sure”

I watched her walk towards the kitchen and couldn’t help but smile. I had always held the firm belief that what goes around comes around and I guess this time, it smacked our dear Tanya square in the face.

My coffee came soon after and once I chugged it down, I decided maybe I would check the local supermarkets in town to see if they had any for rent signs posted on their bullpen boards. 

I left a few dollars on the table and headed out. As I exited the diner, a cool breeze hit my face and I had the strangest feeling come over me. I felt almost lighter physically and emotionally. I no longer felt burdened by my past, present or future. It was almost like for the first time in my life, I was actually pulling my own strings and deciding what was best for me and not everyone else. My heart still burned for Jake but the need wasn’t as dire as it was before. Maybe distance was what I truly needed to see the error of my ways.   
After traipsing through several stores, I finally found an advertisement for a room for rent. I was never a fan of renting just a room because then I was forced to deal with other roommates but it was in a prime location and the right price so I decided to check it out.

When I arrived at the apartment building, I was greeted by Brandon. He was a very handsome man. He had similar rustic features like Jake except he was Latin American. I can’t say I wasn’t apprehensive about rooming with a man but he made me feel so comfortable that it was hard to say no.   
I decided to throw caution to the wind and move in. Today was my first step to independence and it felt damn good.

4 years later…

I couldn’t stop my knees from shaking or my palms from sweating profusely as I sat amongst the hundreds of fellow classmates on graduation day. It was amazing how in four years I had went from a pathetic, needy and self-doubting person to an educated, independent and success woman. I would have never thought I could do it on my own but here I sat, receiving my master degree in teaching and I did it all on my own, no strings attached.

I can’t say that it wasn’t hard and that I hadn’t encountered hurdles along the way but I had finally done something for me. A smile crept upon my face as a single tear fell from my eyes. I couldn’t help but think how proud my father would be if he were here. I whispered “Thank you” under my breath, in recognition of the man who made this all possible. If it weren’t for his death, I wouldn’t have seen the errors of my ways. It was sad to think that it took his death to make this possible but I was grateful nonetheless that even in death he still was able to leave me one lasting gift, hope. 

I made my way to the podium and greeted the dean as she handed me my diploma. A small blush warmed my cheeks as Brandon, Chrissy and Donna whistled and cheered loudly from the audience. I had met such wonderful people since leaving Forks and it was great to know that I didn’t have to beg for their love in order to receive it. I had learned so much from them. I learned to value my own wants and needs while still managing to maintain multiple friendships. We fed off each other’s energy and even when we got into petty argument it was nothing a bottle of wine and a good movie couldn’t fix. For the first time, I felt complete. I had become the woman I was meant to be and it felt good.

As I walked back towards my seat, out of the corner of my eye I could have sworn I saw Jake. I stopped short just shy of my seat and did a double take but when I got a closer look, he wasn’t there. My heart raced at the thought and although he was constantly on my mind, I couldn’t help but wonder if he would ever forgive me for leaving. 

I wasn’t sure if I could ever step foot back in Forks again, not only because of him but because it was so mentally and physically draining to be in a place filled with so much pain. I didn’t want to feel that anymore and I wasn’t sure if I would ever be strong enough to face it again. As much as I loved Jacob, I valued myself more and knew if I returned and he was still in the same state of mind, it would be the end of us. I wasn’t ready to end that part of my life no matter how strong I was so I thought it best to just leave things as they were and maybe, if fate thought it best, our paths would cross again.

JPOV

Anger fueled my body as my foot pressed firmly against the gas pedal. I was driving to nowhere. I had no destination or purpose. I knew I had to change but didn’t know the first thing about where to start. I knew change couldn’t happen at home since that is where all my troubles lied so I took to the road in the hopes to find myself somewhere else.  
I was a complete and utter fuck up. I had allowed jealousy, hatred and anger to fuel my actions my entire life and where did it get me, nowhere. On some level I blamed Bella. If she had just listened to me none of this would have happened but on the other hand, I was to blame for allowing such hostility to reside in my heart. 

My hands gripped the steering wheel as my angered thoughts fueled my pace. I was angry at myself for allowing this deterioration of my soul to happen. I had been such a caring and loving individual and it would seem my broken heart turned me into the miserable bastard that sat here today. I had to find purpose. I had to find something more to fuel me other than this all-consuming anger. I had to stop relying on others to bring me happiness and find it on my own. 

Guilt blanketed me as I got farther and farther from the reservation. I knew leaving Leah in her present state was a fucked up thing to do but what could I truly offer her or her child? I wasn’t father material nor did I have any desire to marry just because we were having a kid. I had to find out who I was and what I wanted from life before I could provide for another. 

It was close to midnight when I arrived in a town called Bellevue. How ironic that I managed to drift into a town that was named after a famous insane asylum. I veered off the main road and parked my car in front of a lake. The serenity of the crisp winter night was calming and I found myself drifting off to sleep. 

My dreams were filled with a vast array of memories. The joys of my childhood mixed with the evils of my young adult life. My mind wrestled within these memories trying to find a place of peace but to no avail, none was found. It would seem not even in sleep could my mind find reprieve from the harsh realities of my life. 

A slight tapping on my window awoke me the following morning. My eye crept open to gaze upon a police officer motioning for me to step out of the vehicle. I did as instructed and he advised me that the lake was not a rest stop and asked me what my business was in town. It would seem Bellevue was as tight knit as Forks. I advised him I was merely passing through and he told me to continue onward if I had no business here.

I obliged and headed into town. I decided that maybe three hours away from Forks was enough distance to start fresh and try to find my purpose. I stopped in various shops in my travels and was pleased to find an apartment for rent in one of the apartment buildings. I signed the lease that same morning and set up shop. I knew money didn’t grow on trees but I wasn’t quite sure what my talents were since I had been somewhat of a useless piece of space my entire existence. 

I had enough money to get me by for a few months without having to worry about paying the rent so I decided that I would pick up a small part time job and maybe even entertain the idea of taking some courses at the local college. I had to do something to change my current situation. If I did decide to go back, I had to go back being a better man than when I left. I wasn’t sure what the future had in store for me but today I saw a hint of light at the end of this dark tunnel I called life and that had provided me the one thing that had been lost to me all these years, hope.

4 years later…

I stared at the certificate in front of me. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed in four short years. I had managed to stay afloat financially and earn a certificate in physical education. I had never really thought that my obsession with my physique would actually pay off like it had. I had found my passion and at the same time, learned how to channel my aggression. When I wasn’t working at the local auto parts store, I was pumping weights and at night, to keep my thoughts focused, I attended a certification program at the local college. I always enjoyed helping others and now that I was certified, I could help young kids and adults stay healthy.

The thought of helping children reminded me of my visit back to the reservation over a year ago. When I had felt like I was in a better mental state, I decided to face my fate and see how Leah was fairing. You could imagine my surprise when I arrived back to the place I once called home and Embry answered the door.  
I felt that familiar tinge of anger grow inside of me but this time, it wasn’t going to get the best of me. I had no right to be jealous. I was the one who left her high and dry and when it came down to it, I never really offered her much in the way of companionship to begin with. Leah pushed Embry aside and a blank stare came upon her face. It was as if she was looking at a complete stranger and I had to admit, I did have a different air about me these days. I cleaned up nicely and almost looked presentable.

I peered over her shoulder looking for a little one who might be running around but was surprised to find nothing of the kind. My eyes scrunched together in confusion and that’s when she finally spoke. Her words floated through my ears as she gave me the reason for my confusion and although I was relieved to find there was no child, I couldn’t help but feel hurt and angry at her deception.

Apparently, Leah in her infinite wisdom thought that if she and I had a child it would force me to be a better man and see she was my true soul mate. She had never imagined I would get up and leave her and on some level she was almost grateful I did. Apparently through her grief she met Embry and in him she found everything I could never be.  
I felt a sudden calm came over me. Her news although infuriating was also liberating as well. I was no longer tied to this place or anyone in it. I could continue on my positive path without any regret or remorse. I decided in that moment that this marked the end of one portion of my life and allowed me to truly find happiness in my own way.

I said my goodbyes to them both and head back to Bellevue. On my way to the highway, I stopped in front of Bella’s house. I couldn’t help but notice the place looked abandoned and dilapidated. I guess she had gotten tired of my hurtful ways and decided to leave as well. I can’t say it didn’t pain me to know I couldn’t just pick up where we left off but I couldn’t blame her. I could only hope one day our paths would cross and this time, I knew it would be much different.

When I arrived back home I noticed I had a message on my answering machine. Apparently my teacher had recommended me for a subbing position in a grammar school in Seattle. I couldn’t help but smile as I returned the call and accepted the position. Things were finally looking up for me and I had a feeling it was all downhill from here. The light that was so dim was now burning brighter than ever and my only hope was that someday I could call that light Bella Swan.


	13. Finding a New Torch

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

It was funny how with a new life came new trials and tribulations. Granted they weren’t as extreme as my past experiences but they were just as frustrating. I had felt accomplished in my endeavors having started a whole new life in Seattle, obtaining my degree and meeting some great people along the way. However, as much as I had accomplished, I couldn’t help but feel like a piece of me was missing. It was silly of me to think that in obtaining my new found life that pieces of my old life would cease to exist if only in my memory. I didn’t want to forget the past and it was apparent to me that my heart wouldn’t allow it.

I was able to keep my hurt at bay for a time, getting lost in my studies and part time job. However, now that all the big stuff was over and my real life was just beginning, the journey I had traveled to get to this point had resurfaced a little bit at a time. It wasn’t like the memories came flooding back like I had amnesia but every once in a while, I would hear his name or see something that reminded me of our childhood and my heart would ache almost like someone was poking at it with a sharp object. It wasn’t easy to block what had happened from my memory and it seemed almost odd that now of all times, my mind thought I was equipped to truly deal with my past transgressions. I was far from ready to deal with my past and although my mind found it fit to remind me every once and a while, I was able to redirect my focus almost effortlessly onto things less painful.

I often thought that maybe these memories were a sign, a sign that I was more emotionally equipped to venture back home and face my demons but was I really ready? Or better yet, did I even want to? The answer was hands down, no. I didn’t want to regress back to the girl I was nor the shell of a woman I appeared to be. I had become empowered by knowledge and fueled by a need to succeed in this life. I wanted to do things on my own and not require the need or desire of a man to complete me. 

I had become somewhat of a recluse in the days that followed my graduation. I wasn’t sure where to start looking for a job and almost feared rejection more than anything.  
I was thankful I had formed such strong friendships because without my friends, I would have never ventured outside of my apartment. Donna was the first to confront me. She was always so good at telling me how it was. She had no verbal filter, letting every thought or feeling seep from her lips with not a care in the world over their implications. I had grown to love and admire that about her. 

She approached me one evening as I was enjoying my pint of Ben and Jerry’s staring aimlessly at the TV, not really watching and completely lost to my own thoughts.

“You know that shit will put ten pounds on your ass” 

I glanced over at her as she sat down beside me, her hand reaching for the ice cream and trying to pry it from my firm grip.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed how much I don’t care right about now. Who do I have to impress? Honestly do you think a middle age principle will care whether I have a big ass or not?” 

“Listen Bella, whatever it is that is bothering you, you won’t find the solution at the bottom of that container. Stop acting like the world is about to end and start living your life. The world doesn’t stop turning because you haven’t received a position yet. There are hundreds of schools to try and the right job will come along soon enough. Rejection doesn’t have to mean the end of your existence so stop feeling bad for yourself and move on.”

I knew she was right but she didn’t know where my true pain lied. I had never revealed my past to anyone. I kept it locked away hoping that my transgressions, the pain I called Jacob Black would never resurface, never burn as brightly as it had years ago. 

“I’ve moved on more than you know. But as much as I’ve achieved, there is still a small part of me that lingers in the past, hopeful that the ones I left behind haven’t forgotten me.   
I know it’s silly to think that way but I do. I’ve hurt so many and although I’ve come to terms with it, every now and again it haunts me.”

She leaned in and pulled me into a hug, her kindness breaking my resolve as I whimpered into her embrace like a child in the arms of their mother. I didn’t want her to know of this pain. I wanted her to see me for who I was now and not the weak person I once had been. My feelings angered me but at the same time, I felt almost at peace with it. She rubbed comforting circles into my back, allowing me to sob almost violently, all the pain and hurt leaving me with each tear I shed. 

After my eyes grew dry and my breathing simmered to a normal pace, she pulled away from me and handed me a tissue from the box that sat on our living room table. 

“I know there are things I am yet to learn about you Bella but what I do know is that no matter what you’ve done; you are a better person because of it. We’ve all done things in our past we aren’t proud of but it is how we learn and grow from it that makes us better people. You can’t shy away from life because your past was less than perfect. Learn from your mistakes and grow to be the strong woman you have shown all of us you can be. What’s done is done and as much as we wish we could change it, we can’t. Create a new set of memories, ones that you will look upon with joy and happiness. You have to move on Bella.”

I looked up from the crumbled tissue in my hands and focused on her sincere words and expression. She was right. I knew that. I just had to convenience myself of it. I smiled letting her know I agreed to put the past behind me. She smiled in return as she stood up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen.

“So how about you and I go out tonight? Let’s celebrate the new you shall we?”

I was reluctant to oblige but if I was going to start my new life off right, now was as good a time as any. 

“Ok” I whispered as I rose from the couch and walked over towards her.

“Great! I told Brandon we would meet him and his friend at the Q bar in an hour. Why don’t you get changed and we’ll head out.”

I shook my finger in the air as if I was reprimanding her for her conniving ways. “You sneaky little devil. This was your plan all along wasn’t it? I should’ve known you had a hidden agenda.”

“Would you want me any other way?” she replied with a tinge of sarcasm.

I walked back to my room and rummaged through my closet for something decent to wear. I decided on my blue sundress and flats and was hooked into Donnas’ arm and leaving the apartment a short while later.

You could imagine my surprise when we arrived at the bar and seated beside Brandon was a rather handsome man by the name of Colin. Apparently, Brandon had told Colin a little about me and had hoped he and I would hit it off. I was caught between a rock and a hard place and they knew it. I gave the evil eyes to my so called friends as they kindly excused themselves from the table and left us alone. 

Was I ready to date? No. Did I still hold a torch for the man that I once called my best friend and true soul mate? Yes. I guess on some small level I had hoped that our paths would’ve crossed by now. It was stupid really. It wasn’t like I was making any attempt to reach out to him so why would I expect the same in return? I was putting faith in a hopeless cause it would seem and right now, I had to find a new torch, a new passion and someone who might be able to rekindle the flame that had once burned so brightly in my heart. I tried to be optimistic and look upon this awkward engagement as my friends just wanting to see me happy again. 

We exchanged glances several times but not a word was spoken between us. I shifted in my seat several times while taking countless sips of my Amaretto Sour. I had become a social misfit. I didn’t know the first thing about dating or what the normal topic of conversation was between a man and a woman. I had only been with two men in my life. One that used me as a puppet and the other that used me as a mental punching bag so when it came to just normal conversation, I was a novice. 

I leaned forward to place my drink down and that’s when my head started to spin. It felt like the music had been turned up to the max, the people around me were shifting and the room was tilting all at once. The sensation made me feel nauseous so I leaned back onto the couch, closed my eyes and hoped the feeling would pass just as quickly as it came.  
Colin sensing my distress, offered to escort me outside for some air which I thankfully conceded to. We forced our ways through the droves of people and out onto the street. I thought maybe a brief walk would help dissolve the uneasy feeling in my stomach. 

We walked several blocks in complete silence. I got this weird feeling Colin was just as inexperienced as I was when it came to dating. The cool winter air nipped at my exposed collar and arms causing goose bumps to rise and chills to fill every bone in my body. I wrapped my arms around my waist and hoped it would help shield my body from the cold. Colin was quick to wrap his blazer around my shoulders, a slight smile tugging at my cheek at his attention and chivalry.

“So I take it you are just as nervous as I am right now?” he replied as he straighten the blazer over my shoulders.

“Is it that obvious?” I replied with a cute sarcastic tinge to my voice.

“Well Brandon didn’t tell me much about you other than you're a recent graduate and that you are currently looking for a teaching position. He thought we would be a match since I am an English teacher as well and it just so happens there is an opening in my department coming up in November.”

He continued to walk ahead while I was stunned in place. Did Brandon think I was that desperate? Did he think I would stoop so low as to sleep with a department head just to get a job? The thought angered and confused me. I pulled Colin’s blazer from my shoulder, pushed it into his chest and stormed off. It took him no time to catch up with me, his hand pressed firmly on my shoulder in an effort to stop my departure.

“Bella wait. I’m not sure what I said came out right. Listen, I didn’t mean for it to sound like Brandon set us up just so you could get a job. Don’t get me wrong, I want to get to know you but either way, I think at the very least, you should meet the principal and apply for the position.”

You have to understand, I wasn’t used to people’s kindness. I always thought people had an ulterior motive and that things like jobs weren’t handed out so freely. You can understand my hesitation to believe a word he had to say but at the same time, I had to learn to trust people again so I decided to just go with the flow.

Collin and I ended up dating for a while and although after about six months we decided to part ways, it was nice experiencing a relationship that wasn’t so one sided. I didn’t end up getting the job at his school but managed to receive my first teaching job in an elementary school about forty-five minutes away from my house.   
I rejoiced in my success. This was the first time I had achieved something other than my degree on my own. I had found a new torch and I called it teaching. I figured if I wasn’t going to have kids, I could acquire others. I had found teaching to be my true passion as each child provided a little something special in my life. I woke up feeling rejuvenated and excited and for once I could say I was truly happy.

It had been the middle of the school year which meant a lot of late nights. I had mid terms to prepare and then grade, grades to be submitted to the principal for report cards and several phone calls to parents regarding a few of my kids who were not meeting their potential. It was very stressful to say the least but I still held such a passion for it. I was making a difference and even if I couldn’t do it in my own life at least I could empower these children to demand more and strive to be better adults.   
I was finishing my lesson plan late one night when my attention was called to a knocking at my classroom door. I shook my head thinking it was that dirty old principal begging me to go out on a date with him. The man was twice my age but I couldn't blame him for trying.

"Mr. Olson I told you…"

My response was cut short when I noticed it wasn't Mr. Olson standing on the other side of the door. I was rendered completely speechless when my eyes met the chest of the man I had loved so many years ago. My hands slipped over my opened mouth as my eyes rose to meet his. He looked back at me with not the slightest hint of surprise. It seemed almost like he had planned to surprise me.

"Bella" he said in that deep sexy voice

"Jake?"

His hands ran nervously through his hair before he responded. I could feel the angst and fear all tied up into a ball of air floating over both of us.

"I…um…well I stopped in to say hi. I'm the new Physical Ed teacher. Apparently Bob had a family emergency and I'm his replacement. You could imagine my surprise when I noticed your name on the list of staff. To be honest, I thought my sight was going or something. Anyway, I was wondering if you might be up for a drink, when you're done of course. I mean if you don't want to I understand."

"No, that's sounds great. Give me a few minutes. I will meet you in the parking lot."

"Sure" he replied with that signature grin of his.

I rushed through my paperwork, stuffing whatever I couldn’t finish into my briefcase, pulling my coat over my arms as I rushed out of the classroom, out the back door towards the parking lot. When I reached my car, I threw my briefcase into the back seat, closed the door and waited. I was slightly disappointment Jake wasn’t there to greet me but I thought maybe he got stopped on his way out so I needed to be patient and just wait. 

I stared down at the pavement, my thoughts streaming through my mind at the coincidence of it all. It wasn’t that long ago when I sat on my living room couch, Ben & Jerry’s in hand, depressed over the fact that Jake and I hadn’t crossed paths yet. It was funny how destiny worked. The image of his eyes, the glow of his skin, the brightness of his smile and the sultry tone of his voice, all the attributes I had loved about him seemed the same yet different. It was definitely Jake but almost like a new and improved model. I found myself almost giddy with excitement to rediscover who he was. However, even with excitement came reluctance and a tinge of fear. I had hoped this wasn’t another one of his many faces or a ploy to bring me back into the vengeful fold once again. 

I shook my head, dismissing the fear as quickly as it came. I had to give him a chance, something he neglected to give me but I wasn’t as vengeful as he, at least not anymore. I would allot him time to speak and see where it went. I hoped time would heal all wounds and as for me, it did just that.  
The loud roar of a motorcycle pulling right up beside me pulled me from my thoughts. I stared in confusion over who this person might be and found my eyes roaming behind the motorist looking to see if Jake was anywhere in sight.

The reflection of the setting sun on the shiny black helmet of the motorist caused my eyes to squint a bit as he removed it. My heart swooned when my eyes fell upon Jake. He smiled at me and said, "I thought you might like to ride in style. You know, like we use to."

I couldn't fight the blush that had seeped into my cheeks or the kool aid smile plastered all over my face. I hopped on the back of his bike and we left the school in the dust. I clung to his chest as the wind whipped at my face. I couldn’t help the joy that spread through me like wild fire. I missed the warmth of his skin, the glow of his happiness and the love in his heart. I hoped today would be the start of a new day for us with the hope of a future not yet written. Today was just about him and I, like it was always meant to be.


	14. Winds of Change

A/N – just wanted to give you guys a heads up, up until this point this story has followed in line with my one shot “stay” however since this is a full story now, this chapter will now branch off from it. I feel it is in the best interest of the story for it to take on its own identity and work towards the outcome depicted in the first chapter. I hope you enjoy it.

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

I clung tightly to his chest, his back shielding my face from the whipping wind as we drove out onto the highway. I can’t explain the joy I felt to have him in my arms again. It had felt like those old feelings that lied somewhat dormant in my heart had resurfaced and I had this burning need to be close to him in any way that I could.

I felt his hand move onto mine, cupping my fingers into the palm of his hand while still steering the bike with the other. I had no doubt that the happiness I felt was mutual however as much as I wanted to live as if nothing had come between us, I couldn’t. I wasn’t going to put the blinders back on just to satisfy my current need for his affections. I had learned the error of my ways and swore never to repeat them even if it was to save a friendship thought to be forgotten.

I lifted my head from his back, the winds blowing through my hair as my eyes fluttered in revolt, straining to see how far we had actually gotten from town. I was surprised to see that we were approaching what looked to be a beach. The smell of salt water brought my mind back to the fun times of my youth.

Jake and I were always fond of the beach and spent many days and nights there just splashing in the waters and building sand castles. Those were the days when nothing else mattered but just having fun. We were so innocent then and as much as I hated to grow up and face the trials and tribulations of my burdened past, I was still grateful to have experienced them.

My pain, grief and emotional breakdown had brought me to this point in my life. If I hadn’t experienced it for myself I would say it was fate’s plan to poke and prod at my inadequacies in an effort to drag me down to the pits of despair however, time and distance had proved that that was not its intent at all. My experiences drove me away from a home that was never really my home for more than a few years. It was reliving those painful memories that caused me to flee and forced me to grow up. 

I could sit here and blame Jake for everything wrong in my life but what purpose would that serve? We were both toxic, products of bad decisions and painful truth’s neither one of us wanted to face. I wasn’t going too pick up an old habit of placing the blame on everything but the source, which ultimately was me. This is not to say he didn’t have a hand in my undoing but he was by no means the cause. 

I was my own self fulfilling prophecy. Every negative thought that seeped from my lips came to be and when I decided to change, positive things found their way back into my life. I wanted things to be different between Jake and I so I swore not to make this a he said she said battle. I’m sure he had things to say to me like I did to him but we were two adults and should handle it in that manner.

I couldn’t fight the jittery feeling that sprung up through my body when the bike finally parked right outside the sandy beaches. I was definitely a more confident and strong woman since last we met, but there was just something about his presence that brought my mind back to both a happier and darker time in my life. Jake always had a way about him. I often thought he had some supernatural powers and used it to his benefit but then I remembered, I was always so willing to give in to him and there was nothing supernatural about being submissive. 

He slid off the bike and extended his hand to help me do the same. Once I had managed to lift my leg over the bike, a strong wind pushed against my back, my body lost its balance forcing me forward. I closed my eyes in fear but my body was instantly eased as my face hit a firm yet warm body. My hands still planted firmly on his chest, I peered up completely embarrassed by my clumsiness but just like always, Jake just smiled at me and it was as if I was where I was always meant to be, in his arms.

It was easy for me to get lost in those dark brown eyes. I could stare into them for hours, their glisten, the way his eye lids scrunched ever so slightly as his eyes moved left to right, told me such a tale. I could see every emotion past and present just by the way he looked at me. It was as if I was being privy to the joys and pains of his soul, every emotion exiting from his eyes like steam rising off of a heated pavement after a heavy rain. His emotions had the ability to warn me or fill me to the brim with affection. There were no words needed between us because our bodies spoke volumes to the feeling we felt. However as much as I wished my body could say I’m sorry, actions did speak louder than words.

I blushed as I pulled away but allowed my hand to rest in his as we moved towards the beach. The beach always did have a calming effect and I was thankful it still provided that during what felt like such a tense time. I wasn’t sure if it was the fact that I was here with Jake or that my mind was insistent on not making the same mistake twice that made the air so thick with tension. 

It would seem the Jake of my past and the Jake here with we now were clearly two different people but I feared the conniving nature of his past more than anything else.

Our hands parted as we both walked around a piece of driftwood that sat at the waters edge. We each took a seat on the damp wood and stared into the beautiful shine of the setting sun over the horizon. We sat there for a while, not saying anything, the tension building each moment a seagull sang or the waves came crashing at our feet. It seemed ironic that two people who seemed to be best friends since birth couldn’t find the courage to speak even after all this time. It was obvious we both had something to say but we were too weak to gather the strength to try and ease the tension between us.

“Nothing without a sense of irony huh?” he whispered as he leaned forward, grabbed what looked to be a broken shell and threw it into the crashing waves before us.

I laughed under my breath as I replied “I couldn’t have said it better.”

“We’ve known each other all our lives and after what is it? Four years, we sit here like to lumps on a log not saying a word to one another, almost like we are two strangers meeting for the first time.”

“We kind of are. Strangers I mean. So much has changed in four years at least for me and from the looks of it for you too. I would be lying if I said you didn’t look good Jake.”

My comment seemed to bring a slight blush to his face as his spare hand ran down his chest while he replied “I have been working out a bit.”

I turned my attention to the floor and laughed. These were the moments I missed, all the innocence that came with friendship was something I had clung to and wished for since my departure. 

I felt him return to my side, snuggling right next to me so our thighs were touching but nothing else. I feared to look up from the sand. Fear of what I was feeling, what I knew to be true and what might transpire if I did. I had become a strong person but the one person I had a hard time facing was the man sitting beside me. He had always and continues to hold my heart no matter how much he burned me but I feared that if this ended badly, he would take what little of my heart was left and leave me a complete shell of worthlessness. 

It amazed me that even now, after all this time, he still had the power to make or break me. I knew I was the one enabling him to do that but it felt so natural, almost as easy as breathing. 

“Bella please look at me” he whispered into my ear, his warm breath causing the fear to rise above my skin in the form of goose bumps all along my arms and legs.

“I’m afraid” 

His hand moved up from his side and cupped my chin, gently moving it upward so my eyes met his. I saw pain within the outline of his dark brown eyes, his eye lids wincing at my reply, his heart beating so strong I could actually feel it course through his veins by the mere touch of his leg on mine. 

His hand shook as it rested on my chin, his fear stronger than my own and his pain mirroring mine as well. “I know I hurt you. If I could, I would take all your pain onto myself. I was miserable, a product of hate and rage when last we met. I was so angry that I lacked the courage to stand firm in my feelings for you and fight. I can’t blame it on ignorance or youth because I knew what I was doing to you and I still did it. I wanted you to feel the same pain I felt and in doing so only hurt us both in the process. I know I can’t change the past but what I can control is the future and if I’ve learned anything, it’s that there is no future without you.”

I could see a genuine sincerity within his stare. His words were exactly what I was hoping to hear but more importantly, it was that he truly meant them that mattered most. I could not only see the pain he felt over what had happened but a longing to make it right. 

I wanted to tell him I forgave him but it wasn’t as simple as that. I could say the words but without true feeling behind them they held no value. I didn’t want to start off our friendship based on a lie. The fact of the matter was we hurt each other. I began the pain when I chose Edward over him and he returned the favor when I returned and he chose anger over understanding. These were the realizations that took four years in the making and they weren’t ones I could quickly discard because he felt badly. If we were truly going to start over, we had to lay it all out on the table now.

I moved my hand up and removed his hand from my chin, placing it within my own upon my lap. I didn’t want him to feel rejection by my sudden action but at the same time, I felt I could focus more on what needed to be said if he could feel the intensity of my words not only in my tone but by my touch as well. 

I held his hand firmly within mine, trying to gather the strength to say what needed to be said. I didn’t want to hurt him but at the same time, he had to know how I felt.

“Jake, you and I have been through a lot in such a short time. It has taken me four years to truly understand what it means to stand on my own two feet. In part I blame you for always cradling me and never really allowing me to stand on my own and the other part is entirely my fault. When my mother left, I felt inadequate in all areas of my life and it would seem that at the time, Edward was the only one who could make me feel whole. I was neglectful of our friendship and blind to your true feelings for me out of choice. I left you and said thing’s I wish I could take back. Unfortunately, I’ve learned your word is your bond and even though you and I wish we could take things back we can’t. However, as bad as it was, it forced me to grow up and accept my responsibilities. Our relationship after my father’s death was toxic. We were both in no place to give or receive love because we were broken. You were hurt because you felt I betrayed our friendship and I was in constant need to feel the love we once shared. We hurt each other instead of helping heal one another. I know I am to blame for your pain but you are just as guilty for being the cause of mine. I can’t say with any certainty where that leaves us but what I do know now is what I’ve always known to be true. I love you Jake. As much as you’ve hurt me, God help me, I still love you.”

The tears of my confession fell with ease upon my cheeks and dripped down onto our joined hands. I couldn’t hide my hearts true desire however I couldn’t burden our future with the hurt and guilt I had held captive either. I did and still do love him but insecurity and doubt still played around in my mind even now, over four years later.

I felt his thumb rub against the top of my hand; my gaze peered down to view such a simple yet comforting sign of affection. His head leaned forward and rested against mine, his tears joining mine in a puddle on the top of our entwined fingers. 

“I love you too Bella. I’ve missed you so much. I don’t care what I have to do but please say we can fix this. Please tell me this is not goodbye. I finally found you and can’t stand to lose you again. Please” he pleaded, his voice laced with fear as it crackled in response.

“And Leah?” I whispered 

He pulled away and for a moment I feared his response. I knew it wasn’t something he would expect but at the same time, I couldn’t allow history to repeat itself. If we were going to journey down this path, I had to know the truth.

“Leah and I aren’t together. That bridge has long been burned. She lied to me and to some degree I deserved it.”

I looked up once his hand retracted from mine and he wiped the lingering tears from his face as he continued “I fucked up in my quest for revenge. I hurt you, Leah and myself and it has taken me the same four years to understand and come to terms with it. Happily it didn’t take her much time to do the same. She’s with Embry now and I think she has finally found someone who can show her the love she deserves.”

His response did provide me some comfort. I was happy that we were both going to start off with a clean slate. However as overjoyed as I was to hear the news, I felt it important to lay down some ground rules before we traveled down this new path together.

“Jake, you have always been a very important part of my life. I wondered when and if our paths would ever cross again and I’m overjoyed that we finally were reunited now. I’m not the same woman you knew me to be and I can tell you are not the same either. I want to get to know this new man that sits beside me but I want to make something very clear. From this point forward, there will be no more lying and no more games. As much as I want you back in my life, I can’t stand to risk being hurt in that way ever again. I think if we take things slow, you know get reacquainted and allow time to runs its course maybe then we can find one another.”

A smile formed on his face at my response and it would seem that hope was bursting from every pole of his body. I knew there was no life without him but at the same time, I had to be sure my heart was something he cherished and not chastised. 

“I think that’s fair. How about we have dinner? I mean if that is not too fast of course. You know like a first date?”

I nodded and replied, “I think I can manage that however, i have to warn you, all my dates go through my two trusted body guards first. Do you think you can handle that?”

He tilted his head and in traditional cocky Jake fashion replied “Has four years erased your memory? This is Jacob Black you are speaking to. I can romance a stone so two body guards are not match for my charm.”

“We shall see” I replied as I stood up and he did the same.

Our hands never parted as we walked back towards the bike. The winds blew furiously at us but our grip never faltered. Our bond was stronger than hurt, pain, rage and time. It would seem only the winds of change could reunite us and it was that same wind that would keep us moving in the same direction towards true happiness.


	15. A Slight Spark

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

JPOV

I can’t explain the rush of emotions that shadowed over me like a dark cloud with a silver lining. I was overjoyed to be reunited with Bella and slightly apprehensive at the same time. I knew we had grown into two completely different people and I was almost fearful that we had grown too much apart that the chances of us rekindling our love for one another had been snuffed by the sands of time.

I couldn’t blame her for wanting to leave me since I could barely stand myself to begin with. It was only when I had sat down and really thought about who I was, what I had become and who I wanted to be that I realized that my current way of handling life in general was completely half-assed backwards. 

The road to redemption wasn’t easy and I found myself most nights locked in my apartment just reliving some of the worst moments of my life. My interaction with Bella was horrible but nothing short of inexcusable. I was in a better place mentally this time around and hoped maybe that old flame between us hadn’t completely been extinguished.

The ride to and from the beach, the talk, the way her scent comforted even my most restless heart only confirmed to me that there was still that slight spark between us. I never doubted that she was truly the one for me and I could see that although the winds of change had in fact changed us both, it never extinguished our instant and undeniable chemistry.

I was actually surprised and impressed at how well she had handled the whole thing. The Bella I had known from childhood would’ve been quick to scream and yell her objections at me. The Bella I was introduced to four years ago would have pleaded and begged to be forgiven when she had done nothing wrong. However the Bella that sat before me now was much more confident. She may have had a moment of weakness once but it wasn’t enough to deter or change her current state. 

Time had truly changed her and turned her into such an empowered and independent person. I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel the slightest bit intimidated by her assertive nature. This new Bella seemed to be a force to be recon with. It was clear to me that she had a clear definition of what she wanted from not only her life but from me and that in and of itself, was hot.

My nerves were a little unease when the conversation veered into Leah. She was another aspect of my life I wasn’t so proud of. She, like Bella had been privy to the worst side of my character and although she did find happiness, I still felt like shit for dragging her through the ringer all those years. Thankfully that topic was put to rest like most of the other hardships we endured and it felt like we had finally met on some common ground.

I felt confident as we walked back to the parking lot hand in hand with a clear understanding of what we needed from one another and what we hoped for. It was nice not to have secrets or hidden agendas lurking around each turn when it came to us. I felt like we had finally gotten the clean start we should’ve have gotten long before Edward had come into the picture. 

When her arms returned around my waist, I couldn’t help but bask in her heated warmth. Her body was my only comfort during those dark times in my life and although I enjoyed the freedom I felt when we were together, I enjoyed this burn much more.

I dropped her back at her truck and for a second I felt the impulse to pull her towards me and kiss her. I knew she wanted to take it slow but the inner Jake just wanted a small taste of the woman he enjoyed without regard four years prior.

It was true that I learned to keep that part of my character at bay because I realized he was too toxic to me and the people around me to be prevalent in my day to day life however, it was times like this that he threatened to remerge even for a brief second to satisfy my primal desire for her heat.

She smiled at me before entering the truck and for a second I could swear I saw sorrow within her soft brown eyes. Was it possible that she yearned for the same chase kiss I had or was this just a slight spark, a taunt of sorts to tease me into giving into my need to have more than just her friendship? I decided to air on the side of caution and adhere to her need to take it slow. I had been selfish in my need for her and this go around; she was going to come first. 

I headed back home and when I arrived to my barely unpacked apartment, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of loneness come over me. It had never occurred to me that in my pursuit to find myself, I had become somewhat of a loner. I never allowed anyone to get close in fear I might burn them as badly as I had her. It was only now, with a clear mind and goal in place, that I realized how important she truly was in my life. 

I had to make this work. I had to reclaim her and integrate her back in my life. I had to find a way to make her a part of my new world while still keeping that passion that ignited the burn between us in the first place. 

It was as if a light bulb that had been dim for so long had finally been turned back on. This whole time I was pre-consumed with making her pay for my lack of strength and in turn I transformed into this angry, enraged man on a mission to do harm. However, as mean and evil as I was, a part of me enjoyed the thrill of the chase. I enjoyed the passion we shared even if it was for all the wrong reasons. I had to be both Jake and Jacob, a perfect blend of the two because both of my personalities were things she had clung to when she needed them most. These past four years I had been suppressing one side of my character in fear of its tirade but what I really needed to do was blend the two into the perfect man.

This new goal was going to be a trial by fire for me. I had to see how I could still be the caring and understanding individual Bella grew to love while still keeping that feisty, demanding personality she lusted after in our reconnection. The journey we were about to embark on would be an interesting one but one I hoped would prove that no matter how bad the burn, love always healed all wounds.

BPOV

My hands shook as the nervous energy coursed through my veins while I tried to put the key into the ignition. The nervousness I felt had nothing to do with fear but excitement. I felt liberated, understood, cared for and above all, sought after by the one man I had longed to feel these strong feelings from since our reunion four years ago.

The man I needed him to be for me then is the man I had standing in front of me now. It amazed me how new and exciting this all had been. For the first time, I felt like I had my friend back and I couldn’t help the happy tears that fell from my eyes at the notion. 

My life up until this point had been an endless struggle with constant hurdles that seemed insurmountable and relentless in their pursuit to make me falter. I fell victim to the many flawless in my character more times than I had fingers to count but all that didn’t matter now. I had finally reached a point in my life where I decided enough was enough. My needs, wants, desires and aspiration were more important than the demands of others and if they couldn’t see it then screw them. I had finally found my independence from all things that threatened to pull me down and now with such a clear vision of who and what I wanted, I felt like all was falling into place.

I headed home, a smile pulling from each side of my lips at the thought of such promise in my future. I was finally in a place of complete contentment and it felt like all the missing pieces of my life were finally coming together.

When I finally got home, Donna was the first to bombard me as soon as I got through the door.

“Where have you been? I was worried sick. It’s not like you not to call or even send a quick text that you were running late. You know some people actually do care for your well-being.” 

“Yes mommy. I’m sorry. I’ve been a bad girl. I promise it won’t happen again unless…” I replied as I moved past her and head towards my bedroom.

“I get laid” I hollered in an enthusiastic voice before smiling and slamming my bedroom door.

I stood with my hand to the door frame, fighting the pit bull known as Donna from bum rushing the door and demanding the meaning of my taunt. 

“Bella you open this door right now. You found yourself a man and you didn’t tell me. You open up now and explain yourself missy.” She reprimanded while elbowing the door trying to force her way into the room.

I decided after a few minutes, I would appease her eager mind. I opened the door slowly and found Donna on the side, arms crossed and very angry.

“I should disown you as a friend you know.” She scolded under her breath while pointing directly into my face.

“Oh come on D, you could never disown me. We are like two peas in a pod except your pod is more put together than mine, but if it’s any consolation, this just happened tonight so you are honestly the first one to know. Come on, it’s not like I have anyone else to share it with.” I replied as I pulled her into a side hug and walked us over to the couch.

“Yeah sure, now you butter me up. You know what Bella, if I didn’t love you I would so give you the cold shoulder right about now.” 

We smiled at one another as we took a seat on the couch. “Now, tell me who this mystery man is. I want to know everything.”

I was eager to share my joy but slightly apprehensive about what exactly I should reveal. I was a very private person and even after Donna and I had become rather close friends, I hardly ever divulged anything about my life prior to Seattle. 

Donna had proven to be more than a good friend. She was almost like family and although it killed me sometimes not to divulge my pain, I feared I might be judged on my past mistakes so I kept it to myself. Jake and my life in Forks had become my secret and as much as I wanted Donna to feel the joy, I still felt that tinge of fear. 

Was I really ready to let go? Ultimately by divulging this painful past I would truly be airing my dirty laundry and in essence allowing all the pain and hurt to come back in if only for a few moments. Could I handle this again? 

My hands began to shake, my leg following suit in its steady hop on the living room floor. I had come so far only to fall victim to the fears of my past. Was I making a mountain out of a mole hill here? 

Donna’s hand rested on my leg, stopping its repeated hoping and slightly calming my unease nature. I took a deep breath, my eyes veering towards the floor, almost embarrassed at what I was about to disclose. I was never embarrassed of what I had done and the choices I had made, but now, knowing and learning all I had in these past four years, I felt like a failure on so many levels.

“Bella…what’s wrong hun?”

I decided that it was about time I stopped hiding behind my fear and own up to my decisions. Over the next two hours, I bestowed upon my dear friend everything that had happened from my parents divorce through my departure from Forks. Her eyes widened in surprise several times during the conversation but never once did she flinch or show any signs of disapproval or anguish. I have to admit, I was surprised how calm and together she remained through my whole confession, some of the things even I had a hard time expressing because the burn was still edged into the very recesses of my beating heart. However, with such a deep reveal came a sense of peace. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted and that I could finally be rid of what I had held back all these years.

A silence filled the air between us, my leg picking up its nervous twitch while Donna continuously stared at me with an almost blank look on her face. After several minutes, I couldn’t take it anymore and spoke. “Say something…please”

“Wow” she replied as she let out a big breath of air almost like she had been holding it the entire time I spilled my guts out.

I smiled and laughingly replied “Exactly”.

“No what I mean is how were you able to keep that all inside? Jesus Bella, they should give you a medal or something.”

“Yeah the medal will read - Fuck up of the decade.”

“No you’re not a fuck up, not at all. I think you have a very poor perception of yourself and that is in part while you allowed these things to happen. I’m not saying you were the wrong one entirely but I think because you don’t believe and trust in yourself no one sees the need to either. When we first met, I will admit you seemed a little too sheltered and closed off for my taste but once I got to know you, I couldn’t picture not having you in my life. Sure I bitch and moan and force you on blind dates but that’s because I love you girl. I want you to be happy. I will be honest, I am a little nervous about this whole reunion, not because of the past but because it is hard for me to believe someone like Jake could truly change. Do you honestly feel like he has changed? Do you believe he isn’t capable of burning you like he had in the past?”

Her questions were valid ones and ones I didn’t have the answers too. I guess no one really knew what their future holds but could always hope to not make the same mistakes twice. 

“To be honest Donna, he did seem different. I mean I can’t guarantee I won’t get hurt but what guarantees do we really get in life? I can’t deny how I feel about him. His mere presence ignites such a passion within me its hard to even put into words. I have to try and at the very least, if this time it doesn’t work, then at least I put my best foot forward.”

“As much as I want to deter you from this venture, I can see no matter what I say you are going to live your life how you see fit so as a good friend, I will stand by your decision but just be careful hun. Jake seems like a loose cannon to me and I would hate to see you turn into that hermit of a human being I first met. Promise me you will take this slow.”

“I promise.”

“Good…now that I got the mothering out of the way, when is said date supposed to happen?”

It was in that moment that I felt like a complete ass. We never set a date. I guess with everything that had been said between us we forgot the most important part to that conversation, when and where we would meet. Shit! I didn’t even have his phone number or address. 

“We kind of forgot to set one?” I said in an almost sheepish voice, completely embarrassed that I of all people didn’t confirm our plans.

Donna broke out in a fit of laughter. “Typical Bella, she puts her adult shoes on but forgets to tie the laces. Epic!”

“It’s not funny. Shut up! It’s not like we don’t work together. I can always ask him tomorrow.”

“If you want my advice, I say wait for him to ask you. You always know when a man truly covets a woman’s affections when he is the one to ask.”

“True”

“Alright then, so now we only have one thing left to do.”

‘What’s that?”

“You have to dress the part. We can’t have you going to school in that boring old black skirt and white turtleneck. You have to dress in style babe, show that man what he’s been missing.”

“Honestly Donna, I think what I wear is perfectly professional. I don’t want to come across as a slut.”

“Who said anything about stilettos and mini skirts? Listen, you can dress to the nines without being trashy. Follow me and I will show you what class truly looks like.”

I stood up from the couch and followed Donna back to her bedroom. I wasn’t sure what she had in store for me but I have to admit, I was extremely excited. For the first time in a long time, I was going to have a new style to match the new me and this time, I might just have Jake begging at my feet.


	16. Remembering the Burn

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

The first hour of ransacking my closet was fun. Donna tore up my closet throwing cloths every which way, making a pile of potentials and a pile for as she so kindly put it, donations. I didn’t have much of a wardrobe to speak of because I never put any value to what I was wearing. I was a teacher and as such, I had a very strict dress policy to adhere too, nothing could be too short or low cut and I had to look professional. Unfortunately that left me with very long skirts and high button tops. 

More than three hours later, I found myself sprawled out on the bed completely exhausted while an exhausted Donna sat on the floor outside the closet still trying to mix and match something that screamed “hotness”. 

“Damn Bella, I should have called that TV show, Fashion Makeover because there is absolutely nothing I can use here. You know what? I think this skirt will go nicely with a red blouse I just got from H&M. Let me run and get it, you try it on and that might just get us through tomorrow and then you and I can go shopping after work ok?”

I nodded because I was too exhausted to argue or offer any additional assistance. I didn’t think dressing for work would be so tiring and granted Donna did most of the work but my ears were subjected to countless hours of the do’s and don’t of seduction and although I was grateful, it didn’t make it any less exhausting.

Before my eyes even had a moment to close, Donna was back in the room pulling me from the bed and forcing this skin tight blouse over my head. 

“Damn girl did your boobs grow overnight? I always thought I was big but damn girl!” she exclaimed as she forced the blouse over my chest.

I helped pull it firmly down and then pulled the skirt up over my hips and zippered it. She gave me the once over after straightening some bunches and then pulled me over to the full length mirror. “See Bella, that’s what a knock out looks like.”

I stared at myself in the mirror, my reflection unrecognizable and yet quiet attractive. This was the new me. This was the independent, confident Bella. I kept repeating these words in my head hoping that with repetition they would sink and dispel the butterflies of doubt festering in my stomach.

Doubt had been my companion for life. I never did or said anything without it and even now, when I had nothing to worry about other than my own happiness, it joined in on my fun as if it were a welcome friend. 

Don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t that I doubted my beauty; I just didn’t see the knock out that Donna and Jake saw in me. To me, I was just average. Average people were never expected to excel or outshine but merely to exist and that is what I had felt I was doing all these years, just existing, living my life how it should’ve been lead from the beginning. 

It would seem that although I had changed, parts of me really hadn’t. My life felt like a carnival mirror. Every time I looked back on the events and tragedies of my life, it seemed like my own perceptions were always distorted or manipulated in some way. No matter which way I looked at it, I was always changing but the change was never good enough. 

I moved closer to the mirror, my hand rising up from my side and reaching out to the beauty before me. My eyes felt deceived by my own reflection. I doubted I could ever look like anything other than average Bella Swan however; the mirror was not only reflecting the truth but providing so much more confidence than ever before. It was the first time I could actually look at myself and not shy away from what reflected back at me. I could stare at myself and not feel rejected hated, ugly or just average. For the first time today, I actually felt beautiful and it was a feeling I had missed since childhood. 

The warmth of my own tears pulled me out of the blissful moment, my hands quick to stop their heated trail down my cheeks and onto Donnas’ blouse. A tissue appeared over my shoulder as I rubbed the tears and turned to my side, my dear friend coming to join me from behind the tissue that hung between us. Her arms came around and hugged me. It wasn’t a comfort hug but more of an understanding hug. It was almost like she knew what I was feeling without me actually saying it and maybe something she too could relate to at one time or another. It really didn’t matter why she hugged me; it just felt nice to know someone understood.

I pulled away and just smiled, happy that she had helped me but much happier that I had found such a great friend.

“Ok well…it’s been a long night and you do need your beauty sleep so we will accessorize early tomorrow morning ok?” she said as she walked towards the door.

“Sounds good” I replied while my eyes still glared at my appearance in the mirror.

“Great! Night Bells” she replied as she walked out of the room.

I went to respond when out of nowhere I felt a tightness form in my chest. It was the first time in over four years that I had heard my nickname. I walked over to my bed, sat down and pulled the loose pillow into my chest. 

There were only two men in my life to call me by that name and it wasn’t Donna’s fault, she didn’t know the significance of such a word. I hadn’t spoken of either of them to her before today so I couldn’t be angry but that didn’t lesson the pain that came along with each syllable.

Time did lesson the burden I carried when it came to Charlie. I had managed to come to terms with his death along with the burn of losing the only other man I had truly loved however, hearing the name just brought back so much pain it seemed hard just to breath let alone deal with the physical anguish rushing through every muscle in my body.

My head fell heavily onto the pillow behind me, the hurt falling from my eyes and the physical pain burning through my veins as my body curled into a ball on the bed. I cried not because I felt his death was my fault but more because my neglect caused me to never truly enjoy the joys a child should from their father. I was so quick to discard him because of my mother’s own selfish ways and now being much older and wiser, I could see how much value he could have brought me had I given him the chance to do so. 

I know now that gloating or dwelling on my past wasn’t healthy but at the same time, truly mourning the loss was and this was the first time I could do so and know tomorrow I would wake up being ok with it. It had taken me long time to come to terms with everything and although the thought of him still physically and emotionally killed me a little each time, it seemed to be less and less as time moved on. I would never fully forgive myself for being just like my mother but I know he would want me to move on and that comforted me through times like this.

My body, exhausted from joy mixed with sadness fell victim to sleep and allowed my dreams to comfort my current pain.

My eyes fluttered and then sprung open, the view before me was startling yet comforting. I gazed upon the twenty some odd chairs of my classroom. I turned to my left and my right, the scenery familiar but my reason for being there still foreign to me. I couldn’t recall waking up, getting dressed or even the drive to work. I glanced down and noticed I had on my normal attire and yet something seemed off. I couldn’t quiet put my finger on it but something just wasn’t right. 

I walked out of the classroom and was even more perplexed when I noticed all the hallways were empty and there was not a teacher in sight. I walked down the long locker lined hallways; peering into each classroom as I walked by and each of them completely empty. 

My attention was quickly drawn to the sound of metal clanging in a room at the far end of the hallway. I walked cautiously towards it, not sure what I might encounter but curious nonetheless.

I pushed the swinging doors to the auditorium open and peaked in. A smile came to my face when I saw Jake bench-pressing some weights on the other side of the gym. The setup was a bit strange being that an elementary school never had an exercise gym setup but I just disregarded it as something that was temporarily set into place. 

I moved into the gym, my presence still going unnoticed by Jake as he continued to press the weights. I waited a few moments to see if he would notice me but it would seem I was almost invisible to him since his movements never stopped. 

 

I walked slowly over towards him, the clicking of my heels echoing throughout the gym like thunder on a stormy night. I stopped short as soon as I heard the weights latch onto the bar above his head and noticed him turn to look over towards me. 

He sat up from the bench, the bare skin of his chest dripping with sweat and his eyes devouring my body with such a lustful stare. My body wasted no time reacting to his desire, my core pooling with longing and my body shivering with excitement. 

My mind however was quick to resort to a state of panic. It screamed at my body’s reaction, demanding I keep to the premise set forth earlier on the beach. Patience Bella Patience!

I felt like my feet were cemented to the hardwood floors of the gym as I stared at him moving towards me, his desire clear but my nerves relentless in their pursuit to keep me in place. My eyes moved downward, my mind fighting with my body as he circled around me like a wolf taunting its prey, the smell of his cologne faint yet poignant enough to entice my senses as he passed by. 

I felt the heat radiating off his body as he stood behind me, his hot breath hitting the back of my neck as his hands laced around my waist and forced me into his wet chest. “I need you” he whispers into my ear, my eyes rolling back as my lips part and I reply “So take me”.

He gives me no time to recant my words as he spins me around by my waist and presses his lips firmly again mine. My body falls weak to his advances, my desperation for his acceptance stronger than my resolve to take it slow like I had promised. Our moans resound in unison, our tongues dancing with one another in their quest for dominance while our hands scurry over our bodies in a heated fury to remove the clothing that shields us from the true heat of our naked flesh.

His lips trails from mine and leave a heated wetness across my cheeks as they finally meet with the tender skin of my neck. He presses firmly against me; my back falls heavily against the padded gymnasium wall behind me, my hands quick to grip onto his back, my nails digging into his skin as he nips and sucks on my collarbone.

His lips don’t hover long as they move down my chest and rest just between the valley of my breasts. His teeth clamp on to the buttons of my blouse while his hands unzipped my skirt from behind and force it to me feet. I slid my hands down his back and come around the front, pulling at the drawstring of his jogging pants and allowing the loose elastic to slip down his perfectly shaped hips and down to his feet. He is quick to step out of the pants and lifts my legs from within the hoop of my skirt. 

I peer down for a moment as his teeth finish with my blouse and expose the bare skin of my stomach to the warm air. He looks up at me, his stare heated and his purpose made clear by the sinister grin displayed upon his face. My gut tells me to stop this before it’s too late but my body yearns, no burns, to just have this moment of bliss before it all becomes a distant memory.

His hot hands move up my right leg, applying gentle force so that it lifts up and falls upon his shoulders. Once properly rested, both of his hands run up the length of my thigh and split to each end of my hip, clutching both my hands and moving them across my body and onto my core.

His hands cover mine and guide my motion as I slowly stroke myself over the fabric of my panties. My hands begin to shake as my own movements arouse and tease me all at once. After a few slow strokes, he moves my hands up and rests them around his neck as his teeth tug violently at my panties. It takes him only two hard pulls to tear them, the flimsy fabric falling to my thighs leaving just the elastic in its wake.

His mouth is quick to devour me, his lips sucking on my swollen bud while his tongue moves in and out of my folds with vigor. My body quakes with pleasure and my hips are quick to rock with the rhythm of his thrusts. 

“Oh God Jake, just like that babe” I moan, my voice echoing throughout the gym, the vibration on the very wall behind me adding to the pleasure building deep within me.

He begins to grunt, his heated exhale teasing the fine hairs of my sex while his tongue hooks and swivels within my tight walls demanding my climax with each twist.

My walls tighten around him, my orgasm nearly upon me and in that instant he stops. My heads jerks down and stares as he grins into my sex as if he knows what he is doing to me. 

I watch as his tongue moves from within his lips and trails back up towards me, stopping momentarily in its ascent as he whispers, “Tell me you feel it Bella”.

His voice is like liquid sex. My body begins to pulse with a need so great I’m barely able to maintain my stance. “Tell me you want it just as bad as I want to give it to you.”

I try to respond but each time I try to speak, his hot tongue hits my skin and the pleasurable burn is too much for my mind to comprehend. “I want to hear you say it” he demands, his voice stern yet laced with a heated passion.

‘Tell me you want me. Tell me you want to feel me burn you from the inside out.”

I conjure the only words I know that will give him what he yearns for and that will grant me the absolution I seek.

“Burn me baby”

As if my words were a white flag of surrender, he pushes his thick girth into me. My body hops slightly at his force but instantly relaxes into his slow rhythm. His forceful thrust pushes me up the wall, his arms are quick to hook around my knees, pulling my legs up from the ground and hooking them around his waist. 

His thrusts are forceful yet passionate and of all the times we were together, not one had felt like this. It was as if we both wanted to feel the acceptance of one another and this was our special way of showing it. It wasn’t about dominance or right from wrong but more of our way of showing the true love that burned deep within our very souls. 

My nails clawed at his back with each rhythmic thrust, my body giving into his demands for my release. Within moments, my body began to tremble beneath his and together we spilled the nectar of our passion onto one another. 

His movements simmered slowly and allowed for both of us to come down naturally from our high. We were still joined together as he knelt down, turned and sat on the floor our bodies still close and our breathing still slightly erratic. 

My hands moved from behind his head and cupped his face. I stared deep into his eyes and whispered “I never stopped loving you Jake. I will always burn for you.”

A smile came upon his face and my heart became eager with a need to hear his response. His lips parted but the words that came out, through me for a loop. “Wakey Wakey Bella-Boo.”

My eyes frantically shifted left to right trying to find the meaning behind his response. He continues to smile and that’s when his face started to dissolve away and was replaced by Donna’s. I nearly jumped out of my skin, my head heating the backboard of my bed as I leaped away.

“Ouch!” 

"Well who the hell told you to jump like you had ants in your pants. Jesus Bella.”

“Damn you Donna!” I screamed.

I was angry. Not only was what happened between Jake and I just a dream but now I had a bump on the back of my head the size of a walnut. 

“Now is that anyway to greet your saving grace? I guess even the new Bella is a grouch.”

I gave her the nastiest stare I could but she didn’t seem bothered in the least. She just carried on, pulling my new outfit out from the closet and placing some added accessories on the dresser beside it.

“Alright Bella enough with the childish bullshit. We don’t have time to play five year old games. Get in the shower and get dressed. You have a man to seduce.”

I gave her my last childish gesture by sticking my tongue out as I got up from the bed and headed for the shower. I couldn’t help but be disheartened at the fact that my engagement with Jake was just a dream but at the same time, this lust filled dream brought on a whole new set of feelings all together. 

Anxiety and fear had followed close behind the joy and now I worried if I would be able to take it as slow as I had planned. My body seemed to yearn for him so the question was how long could I withstand the flame before I got burned?


	17. Past Flames Ignite New Passion

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

JPOV

I woke up to bursts of sunshine and the annoying chirping of morning birds just outside my window. Seattle seemed to be going through a dry spell, no rain for weeks and endless sunshine which to most was a welcome reprieve but to me quiet the annoyance. I had acquired a taste for darkness an overcast sky provided. It always made me feel like I could get lost behind the dark shadows and upsetting thoughts of my past. In a sense, it helped me grieve over my transgressions and get past the many hurdles that still stood in my way.

However, I have to admit, the sunshine seemed almost refreshing this morning, welcoming me into a day filled with what I hoped to be promise and forgiveness. Over the last day or so, my world went from mundane to exciting and new. Seeing Bella, full of life, all filled out in all the right places and reacquiring that glow I loved about her brought me more hope than I was truly deserving of. I didn’t want to get my hopes up too high but at the same time, it wasn’t only my hopes that seemed awake and at attention at the present moment.

I decided to take a nice cold shower in the hopes that it would ease this extremely hard wood I attained from those wicked sex dreams of Bella I had last night. I knew our past sexual encounters were filled with so much more than just hard core sex and to some degree unhealthy in a normal relationship however, that didn’t hinder that primal instinct that still dwelled deep within me to claim her, mark her, make her bend at my will and know she was enjoying it just as much as I was. 

I turned the shower on, disrobed and hopped in with haste knowing if I took my time or eased my way in, I would just coward out. It took my body a few minutes to acclimate to the frigid temps but soon, I was bowing into it, allowing it to flow over my shoulders and down my back praying it would help this throbbing pain below my waist. 

With each passing water droplet it enticed another memory, a memory of how wet and soft Bella’s body felt beneath mine, how her core throbbed with desire to envelop me and stroke me to new climatic heights. I was never one for fisting it but it would seem these images of a wet, eager Bella laying across my bed, legs spread apart, her fingers parting those soft pink lips while her other hand motioned for me to come closer was more than my body could handle. I needed release and knowing I couldn’t have that sort of release just yet this would have to do. 

My hand glided over my aching shaft, my fingers tightening around the base while the smooth texture of my palm slide up and down slowly at first then progressively faster as the images got more erotic. My lingering hand pressed firmly to the tiled shower walls trying to maintain my stance while my knees weakened with each stroke. 

I could hear echoes of her moaning my name, my cock thrusting faster and harder into her as my hand rested on the small of her back while I took her from behind. Her hands were quick to come behind her and wrap around my waist forcing me to move with vigor and demanding I give her what she thirsted for most. I leaned down still keeping my pace while I placed the palm of my hand on her clit, stroking it slowly knowing that before long, I would be feeling the eruption of her sweet juices all over my thrusting cock. 

My body violently trembled as my orgasm rose through my shaft and out onto the top of my hand. These images although past memories always reminded me of what I had given up and what I had to look forward to. I tried to maintain my stance as I stroked myself through my climatic release. The feeling of her lips milking me was far better than my own palm but at the moment, I knew this was all I was getting for the time being. I had promised her I would take it slow but something told me, we both were going to have a hard time keeping to that agreement.

I finished up in the shower, toweled off, threw my jogging pants and muscle shirt on and headed for the door. Today was my first day actually conducting a class and although I was nervous as hell, I was more nervous about seeing Bella than actually controlling my new class of students. 

I pulled into the facility parking lot and couldn’t help but smile as I saw Bella’s old beat up truck parked just a few car lengths from me. I swore if we ever did get back together like I had hoped, the first thing on my things to get was a new set of wheels. 

Todd was at the side entrance waiting for me. He handed me my schedule and walked me over to my office. He was quick to point out who in my list of students were so called “trouble makers” and who to be on the look out for. I just nodded and appeased him. 

Todd had rubbed me as the type of guy that needed to feel superior and outshine anyone who intimidated him and I could see I was doing just that. Could I help I was over six feet tall, well chiseled with a dashing smile and perfectly rustic skin? No but that didn’t help my case when I was trying to play nice with others. Todd also seemed like the type of person that liked to be the center of the facility gossip and the man all the female teachers liked to gloat over. He just had that egotistical, holy then thou air about him and although I got more pleasure out of proving him wrong, I decided to just let him feel in control at least for now.

The school bell rang causing my palms to sweat as the kids came running into the locker room behind me. “Hey Mr. Black, Yo Mr. Black what’s up? Good morning Mr. Black” the voices said behind me, a mixture of boys and girls but obviously the more courteous ones were girls. I wasn’t the least bit surprised the kids knew who I was, when I was there age, me and my buddies would always know when we had a sub, it was the best time we ever had in a class. Substitute teachers were the easiest to fuck with since they really had no clue what was truly being covered. Sure the normal teacher left notes but somehow we were always able to change topic and embarrass the shit out of the sub. Thinking about it now, I’m almost grateful because now I can be on the look out for those types of kids.

The morning went my smoothly, the girls clung to my every word while the boys tried to test their boundaries. I decided that dodge ball was the better of two evils. It allowed the boys to get out their pint up aggression while the girls got to show them up. I nearly pissed my pants laughing when one of the cheerleader type girls nailed one of the macho guys square in the nuts with the ball. It reminded me so much of the fun times Bella and I had as kids. She was never the athlete but get her mad, and she could pop you one for sure.

I was on my last class before a two hour break and I had to say, I was completely exhausted. I decided for this last class we would do more aerobics and exercises then actually game play. The children I had this period were much older so I figured they would be slightly more inclined to toning exercises versus games.

Thankfully most of the class went by smoothly. I tried to keep my expressions neutral when the girls put their little “Oh Mr. Black can you help me?” routines. I acted as innocently as I could while laughing internally over how obvious they were acting. The boys on the other hand, decided that since all the girls gave me the attention, it was their time to challenge me. I have to admit, I found it quiet amusing. This one kid Liam who seemed to be the leader of sorts came over to me while I was helping Jessica work on her push ups. 

“Look Jess…I can do my push up’s with one hand” he whined as he knelt down before us and tried and I mean tried to do the push up with one arm.

“Oh Liam stop being such a boy. You can’t do a one arm push up but I’m sure Mr. Black can show us how it’s done” she replies in that girlie singy song way.

“Now Now Jess, this is not a challenge but an exercise. I’m sure given enough practice; Liam can indeed do a one arm push up” 

I didn’t want to promote the challenge. I was twice the kid’s age, height and muscle mass. 

“Oh come on Mr. Black, just once, pleasssseee” she replies pulling out the end of the word please for at least ten seconds.

“Alright fine. Class gather around” I hollered calling all the students to circle around me.

“Alright class, now I’m going to show you how to do a one arm push up but please don’t try this until you have mastered the two arm version and have someone to spot you just in case” I advised as I knelt down on the padded mat and assumed the position.

I lifted my body up with two hands, placed one arm behind my back and performed the push up once completely. The second time I went down, my ears caught wind of high heel shoes clanking on the gymnasium floor, causing my eyes to veer up. The sight before me made my body weak and collapse onto the mat instantly. 

There standing before me was none other than Bella but the Bella of my fantasies, not the Bella of my youth. I fought the temptation to pull her into my arms and take her up against the padded walls of the gym. It was hard to fight such an unrelenting passion such as desire, the lust dripping down my brow in beads of sweat as I stared at her in awe.

For a moment she returned my glare, her cheeks filling with blush and her leg crossing slightly over the other like an embarrassed school girl would when noticed by her admirer. 

“See Jess, he could only do one. He is no better than me” Liam mocked as Jessica just crossed her arms and shook her head in return.

“Oh quiet the contrary Liam, Mr. Black is quiet the muscle man. Let me show you” Bella replies as she places her lesson planner on the floor and struts herself over towards the children circled around me. I feel like a puppy yearning for approval from its master. I don’t move, speak or refuse but merely obey. 

“Mr. Black…if you could assume the position” she commands motioning for me to proceed.

I smile back at her, my face speaking volumes to how I feel. I want her to assume the position alright, said position being doggie style. I place my one arm in front and one behind my back, holding my body up from the mat. You can imagine my surprise when I felt the weight of Bella’s heated core on my back, her wet pussy sliding left to right slowly as she gets comfortable on my back.

“Whenever you are ready Mr. Black” she whispers, giving me the go to do my required duty while her mound teases me with its sweetness and taunts me with its heat.

I try to focus but each deep breath I inhale just makes me feel weak. I want her in the worst way and it would seem the feeling was mutual as she got even wetter each time I exhaled forcefully through my nose. I closed my eyes, focused my passion into my muscles and bench pressed her on my back. I did this several times, the girls laughing and clapping while the guys just standing there with their arms crossed.

“You see boys…if you take the lesson’s Mr. Black is trying to teach you here in physical education seriously, you too can perform such feats and gather the girls affections.”

I made one final round and then keep my arms firmly planted in the risen position waiting for Bella to dismount. I silently prayed she had a free period following this one, God if I could just taste her; just a taste was all I needed to help this ache subside. It wasn’t too much to ask was it? I wasn’t asking for sex or even a stroke but just a taste of what I might endure down the road. You know one for the road? Fuck! I was desperate.

The cold air that shadowed over my back as she rose made my body tremble with need, a need I hadn’t felt in so long it was almost refreshing and taunting all at the same time. My chest rumbled, an inaudible growl vibrating through my chest, my bodies instant reaction to my desire and need to have just a small piece of that heat she provided.

“Alright kids…why don’t you go get changed and get ready for class. The bell will ring for your lunch period soon” she said while reacting down to pick up her planner from the floor.

Fuck! The temptation, her ass in the air, the thought of me coming up right behind her, grounding my firm cock right between those juicy lips I felt moments earlier, damn the thought was too much for me to handle, the once loose jogging pants feeling more restrictive every moment she took to rise from the floor. If I didn’t know any better I would say she was seducing me safely. She knew I couldn’t do or say anything out of line, not here at least. I think she was toying with me and damn if that wasn’t hot I wasn’t sure what was. 

She gave me that side smile as the children returned just moments later and filed in line. I kept my hand on my hips as I watched her instruct one of the girls to lead the class towards the lunch room, the way her hear bounced freely as she moved towards me to the way her vivacious curvature of her hips shifted left to right, all just luring me into her tangled web of seduction with one failed swoop.

She took her place behind the last child and before leaving she turned to look over her shoulder, winked, ran her tongue slowly over her button lip and mouthed “delicious”.

Her comment had my mind whirling. For the first time ever she had her hooks in me and deep. She was playing with fire but she knew it and strangely it would seem she liked it. It was both amusing and enticing to see Bella in this new light. I felt almost like a kid wooing the girl of his dreams. My little Bella liked to play dirty, hmmm the thought was intriguing and yet all too good of an opportunity to let pass me by.

The bell chimed shortly after her departure and after about ten minutes of breathing out my pint up sexual frustration, I made my way to the teachers lounge. I had my hand on the door when my movements were halted by the topic of conversation going on from within. I couldn’t help but laugh at some of the comments my fellow teachers were making at my expense.

“Tara have you seen that sub for Physical Ed? Holy God if I wasn’t married…I would ride that man into tomorrow.”

“Oh honey who are you kidding…since when does being married have anything to do with it?”

“Oh Sue stop that. I’m happily married”

“Yeah but you can be happily married and not happy in bed but I’m sure Mr. Black could fix that. Damn girl did you see the muscles he was hiding under that shirt?”

“I know I’ve been trying to resist not grabbing him and showing him the ropes inside the janitor’s closet.”

After that last comment the women broke out in a fit of laughter, cackling and hacking away and then out of no where it became completely silent. I heard a door creak open and then everything became whispers. 

I peered in through the window and noticed Bella had entered the room from the other entrance. I stared at her through the small window, the women still pointing and whispering while she stood at the small kitchenette warming up a container of food from the fridge.

I watched a little while longer and for a second I got the old timid Bella back. Her demeanor was definitely not as confident as moments earlier and it seemed as though she was shying away from the rest of the staff. It was in that moment that I found my first opportunity to reclaim my rightful place in her life. I had always been there to save her and now I was throwing on my best friend wings and shooting down for the rescue. It wasn’t about desire, sex or attraction it was about being there for her when she needed me and now was my time to shine. Now was the time to be who she loved most, her Jacob.


	18. Proceed With Caution

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

What was I doing? How could I be so stupid? I was playing with fire and I knew it. What possessed me to be so openly flirtatious in front of my students of all things? I knew it was both unprofessional and unbecoming and yet I did it. 

This was the very thing I feared once Jake had come back into my life. It wasn’t his fault that I couldn’t contain my own desires but one some level just his presence seemed to bring out my raw nature. He made me feel special, desired and young again and although all these things were exciting, I had to learn when to rein them in. 

I escorted my students to the cafeteria and made sure they were settled in before I headed on my own recess. Once I simmered down the girls and their boisterous banter about how cute and handsome Jake was while keeping the boys egos from getting the better of them, I found myself just outside the faculty lunch room. 

I could hear my fellow teachers cackling and carrying on about Jake and how “fuckable” he was. I can’t say I wasn’t a little jealousy and almost filled to the brim with anger and a need to smack them square across the face, but at the time same time, what right did I have? We did agree to see each other but that didn’t mean I was automatically his and even if I was at work, it was strictly professional wasn’t it? I hated feeling this way, doubtful, scared, nervous, angry and above all jealous. 

I was numb to these feelings for a time, a really long time and although it was a tad bit refreshing to feel them - tagging along for the ride was that uneasy feeling that things were going to get far more complicated then they needed to be. I tried to suppress those uncertain feelings because I had a job to do. 

I turned the knob to the faculty lunch room and it was like the earth stood still. I apprehensively walked into the room my eyes briefly scanning my appearance to make sure it wasn’t me necessarily that caused the tense filled silence but then I remembered why. I was the newbie therefore I wasn’t privy to the hot topic of conversation during lunch time. The tense feeling turned more towards shyness and awkwardness as I walked towards the refrigerator and gathered my lunch. I was never the confrontational outspoken type nor the “to hell with what they think” type either. It would seem that even with time some character flaws never really went away, at least not for me.

I grabbed my leftover ziti and popped it into the microwave. It would seem that the low humming was a green light for the woman to reconvene their gossip. Naturally I focused my hearing on their conversation and naturally I felt even more uncomfortable about the topic of conversation. A part of me wanted to join in just so I felt more like a part of the group and the other part wanted to march right over there and throw my relationship with Jake right in their faces and say “you ladies just wish you were me don’t you?”

I decided to do neither. I was the new face and I definitely did want to lose my job or be the center of idol gossip just yet. God knows I didn’t need to lose my first teaching job over some stupid rumor. I decided to take my lunch and eat in the outside courtyard. I gathered my things quickly and walked out leaving the teachers to draw their own conclusions about me. I’d rather be considered the outcast than anything else at this point. I was there to do a job which was to educate my students so as far as I was concerned, everything else including Jake would take a second chair to that. 

I found a vacant bench just under a blooming Cherry tree. Settle has been known for its constant overcasts and unrelenting rains but today thankfully, the sun was shining and provided just enough warmth for me to enjoy my lunch outside. 

I placed my heated ziti on my lap and took several forks full as I looked out onto the playground that sat just opposite the courtyard. I couldn’t help but smile as I watched the young children play amongst the sandbox and swings. I remembered a time when life was just perfect. There was no such thing as responsibility, stature or bills, just simplicity and the notion that you were cared and loved for by the people that filled your life. 

On some small scale, I yearned for that feeling. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel loved but more that I wanted to be loved on a different level. I wanted someone who could understand, acknowledge and fulfill my dreams and I in turn would do the same. I had thought I found that in Jake and although we are now reunited, both completely different people, I couldn’t stop the butterflies that filled my stomach or the caution bells that rang in my ears every time he entered my mind. My mother’s voice echoed through my thoughts reminding me of the one concept I never could grasp but that she firmly believed in “People are who they are. People don’t change because you need or want them to.”

I shook my head, my denial of this notion and everything she stood for fueling the anger that rose inside of me at the mere thought of it all. I was living proof people could change. It was no secret it had taken me far longer than any other to see it but I did and I did change. I forced myself to stop living in the past and start making a future for myself. However, as much as I had changed, there were still some small characteristics that still remained the same so the question was did I really ever change?

“Should I assume the position?” 

His voice pulled me out of my mental debacle and I couldn’t help but smile at his inquiry. 

“Is this seat taken?” He questioned as he motioned to the empty spot on the bench beside me. 

I shook my head while I covered my food container and placed it off to the side. I wasn’t sure what to say. Jake always had this way about him. It was almost like he sucked the air right out of my lungs and left me speechless. I turned my attention down towards my hands that rubbed nervously along my legs. I didn’t realize how short this skirt was until my hands touched higher up on my upper thigh then I would’ve liked. I tried to tug it down but all that did was force it back up. 

“Bella?” he questioned, his voice laced with concern and worry.

I turned to him, a half smile forming on my face but my voice lost to my timid and fearful nature.

“Did I do something wrong?”

I sighed deeply because deep down I wanted to say yes but at the same time, he really hadn’t done anything wrong. This man, my past best friend and lover was now walking back into my life four years later obviously different in so many ways but just his presence brought back so many old feelings and emotions.

“No Jake, it’s me. I guess I just have a hard time with this…” I said motioning between us.

I knew my reaction would cause him distress which became more evident as his eyebrows scrunched together and his lip hid behind his upper teeth while his hand rubbed the back of his neck.

“I’m sorry if I did or said anything to make you feel uncomfortable Bella.”

“No Jake its not you really. It’s just…I don’t know. It’s all me. I just haven’t quiet figured out how to handle us. I mean I know I said I was ok with us getting to know each other again but I can’t help but feel like old habits die hard. I mean I said I wanted to take it slow and what do I go and do? I dress up like a slut and seduce you in the middle of class. Just stupid!” I replied hitting myself on the leg at my complete lack of professionalism.

The bench creaked as Jake shifted his weight and slid over next to me. He stopped my hand before it stuck my thigh for a third time and held it within his. His warmth was refreshing and something I hadn’t realized I missed until now. It had been so long since I felt compassion like this and from him, it was something new and quiet refreshing. 

There was just something about the way he held my hand. I wasn’t sure if it was the way his thumb rubbed slowly over the top or the way his fingers slid back and forth on my palm, but just that simple sign of understanding meant more than anything he could possible say to ease my distress. For once the silence between us was welcoming; it held no tension, hostility, malice or false hope. We were just two people comforting one another through the hardship of trying to find out where we truly stood in each other’s lives. 

He kept my hand in his while his other rose, cupped my chin and forced my eyes up from the ground and onto his. I could see the desperation for acceptance within his gentle stare, his eyes shifting back and forth trying to get a read on my true feelings almost like he was desperately seeking the light that had burned so brightly in years past. I wanted to ease his suffering but found myself at a loss. I didn’t know what I could say because honestly I was confused. I wasn’t doubtful of my feelings for him, I was just scared. I couldn’t stand the burn of rejection, not twice, not from him.

He leaned in, my body shaking in anticipation of what he might say or do. The warm heat of his breath grazed my neck as he whispered; his chest just centimeters from my own and breathing in the same exhausted rhythm as mine. 

“Just let me in”

His words although basic in their meaning held so much more than just their simple implications. My eyes closed; my mouth still silent while my heart raced with my gut instinct to respond “I already have”. The problem was although I had let him in, it wasn’t in the way I wanted him. I wanted him so much more than just a friend but my fear of betrayal or worse deceit, fair outweighed my need for companionship or friendship. I wanted him in the worst way but if history had taught me anything it was to air on the side of caution. 

I looked at him and all I could see were those stupid words imprinted on every car window that read “caution object in the mirror seem closer than they appear”. It was this feeling that held me back from truly unleashing the passion that burned deep within me. I had to be sure he was more than just an illusion of the Jake I had always wanted him to be. He had to prove he had in fact changed and that he wouldn’t revert back to the Jake of years past that nearly destroyed my heart.

“I’m trying” I whispered back.

He pulled away from my neck, his eyes still soft, his smile halfcocked and his hand still firmly within mine. 

“Dance with me” he replies.

My eyes search his for the meaning of his reply but before I could question him, he continued.

“The principle asked me to chaperone the school dance Friday night. Join me.”

I was hesitant in my answer. There was no reason to say no and every reason to say yes yet I lacked the ability to do either. 

“Bella listen to me. I can’t force you to be with me no matter how much I want you to be but what I can ask is that you give me a chance to show you I’m not the same man. I know I fucked up and I know you have every right to say no but I’m asking, no begging” he replied, his body moving off the bench so he was kneeling right in front of me with my hand still firmly within his as he continued.

“Just say yes. The Jake you know would’ve never begged you, you know that so if that doesn’t prove that I’m a changed man give me a chance to show you, please. If after Friday you can’t find it in your heart to move past the fear then I will respectfully bow out.”

“Jake…I…”

His hand began to sweat and the desperation in his eyes became direr, his lips parting to continue his plea while his eyes scrunched in pain as I opened mine to finish.

“You know I never could say no to you but I can promise I still suck at dancing” I replied with a slight hitch in my voice.

“Lucky for you I still can” he replied as he rose and returned to my side once again.

“Thank god for the little things”

“No Bella I thank god for this second chance. I know what I did to you is incomprehensible and I want to make this right.”

“It’s not all your fault Jake. I told you, I’m just as much to blame as you it’s just…I can’t trust myself when I’m with you. You make me feel so many things and I’m just afraid if something should happen between us that…”

“Nothing will happen Bella. It’s just a dance”

I shook my head and replied “I’m not talking about the dance Jake. My feelings for you are stronger than I can control. I want to be with you but I’m afraid and I’m not sure even if we take it slow…” a sigh exiting my lips as the truth spilled right after “I just don’t want to get hurt. My heart couldn’t bear it.”

I heard him sigh, the weight of my words resting heavily on his shoulders as it was on mine. I knew he couldn’t promise he would never hurt me. I wasn’t asking for a guarantee but I just felt it was fair he understood why I was fearful and maybe then he could understand this small distance I put between us.

“I wish I could promise that Bella but not even I know what the future holds. However, what I can promise is that I will do all that is in my power to earn your trust back.”

I nodded and just as I was about to respond the bell rang and it was time to get back to work. We rose from the bench together and as I took a step forward, his hand still held firmly within mine. I tugged a bit but he continued to hold his stance. 

“Jake I have to get back to class.”

He looked down at our adjoined hands and then back up at me, the hurt of my reveal and the pain of our shaky future bearing down on his stance and burdening his mind with every moment we stood apart from one another. “I’ll never let go” he whispers under his breath, his thumb rubbing the top of my hand for a few moments before he finally releases it from his grasp.

I couldn’t find it in my heart to reply. I didn’t know what I could say or do that would make him see that I wasn’t asking him to but that my emotions, the feelings he invoked in me scared me more than the love I felt for him. I was guarded, a woman heavily armored due to the pain and anguish inflicted by the very man who promised never to cause such pain. 

I loved Jake there was no question about that, but could I truly love him the way I used to? Could my soul bear the pain if the second time wasn’t a charm? Was I willing to take the risk? These were the questions that plagued me and these were the decisions that ultimately had to be made. 

The situation presented to me today was one I wasn’t prepared for. I didn’t have the slightest idea if I was willing to truly allow Jake back in the way my heart had dictated I should. If I went to this dance and fell into his gravitational pull, could I withstand the after effects of our union and still feel unsure of our future?

I hated not having a definitive answer and leaving my fate up to destiny. I guess on some level I was thirsting for a guarantee that would never come. There were no guarantees in life; I had learned that the hard way so the only thing left to do was just deal with the hand being dealt to me.

I had to give Jake the one thing he asked for and hope I wouldn’t feel the burn he inflicted so heavily in the past. I had to trust him and in doing so release the fear and embrace the hope that our future was brighter than our past. This was truly a test on so many levels. It would test my ability to trust and his ability to prove he could be trusted. I just hoped it was a test he wasn’t destined to fail.


	19. One Endless Flame

A/N – It’s with a slight tear that I bring you the conclusion of this story. There will be an epilogue of course which ties into chapter one in their present state. I hope you have enjoyed this story as much as I’ve enjoyed writing it.

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

JPOV

I watched Bella walk back into school, my heart was racing with anticipation laced with fear. There was no doubt in my mind that I could prove I had changed but the thing that fell so heavily on my shoulders was the doubt that it wouldn’t be enough. Had I truly changed enough for her? Would I be enough to make her happy? 

I had never thought much about what she needed or wanted from me since her first departure from my life. I was so focused on what she had done that I never stopped to think about if it was something in me that made her leave. 

I wanted to believe it was Edward, that he had brain washed her into believing he could be everything for her rather than considering maybe it was something I lacked that forced her in his direction. I wanted to believe her longing to leave Forks was due to her mother’s hasty departure but a part of me thought that maybe I just wasn’t what she needed at that moment in her life.

These random thoughts had me pondering whether I could ever truly be enough for her but then again, it wasn’t really me she had been with. Granted in our youth she had hints of the real Jacob and although at the time it should have been enough, but it wasn’t. Then when she met me much later on in life, more arrogant and angry, she only saw the raw side of me which was obviously not enough for the both of us. 

However, now I had managed to get myself together and be the best of both worlds and knowing this seemed to renew my confidence at least for the moment. The dance had taken on such importance. I had everything to gain and lose on that night but strangely, although I was nervous, the thought of having her back in my life made me all the more confident that this night would be my defining moment. In that moment it was decided I would romance her a little before the big day, you know soften her up a bit.

I wanted to show her that she was the object of my affection and that I had in fact changed on many levels. I hadn’t been a PDA kind of person nor a person in touch with his sensitive or romantic side however, I thought now would be the perfect time to flex those muscles as well. I had four days before the dance to show her I was a different man so when the moment came there would be no doubt in her mind that being with me was the best and only option.

I made sure to arrive at school earlier than most of the facility. On Tuesday, I slipped into her classroom, placed a bright red apple on her desk with a note that read: You always did enjoy firm objects. I knew it might be a little forthright and aggressive but I wasn’t going to deny that part of myself because although it was harmful when it consumed me completely, when it was just a slight piece of who I really was I knew she might find it flirty and seductive. I slipped out of the room and made my way to the gymnasium. Unfortunately on that day, I couldn’t sneak out to see her response to my gift but I did catch a quick glance of her taking a huge bite of the apple and that alone made my dick twitch.

On Wednesday, I decided to leave her a little surprise in the refrigerator. I stopped at a local Italian pastry shop and picked up her favorite, chocolate chip cannoli. I had the girl behind the counter wrap a pretty red bow around it and place it in a white paper bag. I wrote her name on it and placed it on top of her lunch that was sitting at the bottom shelf of the refrigerator with a small note inside that read: I knew these were your favorite and you know I love to see you smile. Cheesy I know but sometimes cheesy was a way to a girl’s heart and on some level, Bella was still a girl who loved to be wooed. 

I was surprised to find that same bow on the handle of my motorcycle that afternoon with a note that read: You always knew how to make me smile. I couldn’t help but bask in my moment of glory. I was finally seeing the Bella I had long since forgotten reemerge and I hoped my small gifts were showing her that her Jacob was rising along side her. 

Thursday had arrived and as my final token of affection, I decided to leave something more personal, something that held meaning and something that no matter what the outcome of Friday night, she would always be able to keep with her and know I was her friend first. It took a lot of searching to find exactly what I wanted and I did have to pay extra to add the lasting touching to my gift but I knew if this didn’t seal the deal nothing would. 

I arrived early to school and was slightly disheartened that she had bet me there. It felt like the gift was eating a hole through my pants and the long it sat there, the more anxious I became. 

I tried to be patient knowing that she had a free period around the same time I did. I counted on the fact that she would be in the faculty lounge or courtyard for lunch which would allot me enough time to sneak into her classroom and leave the gift. 

Thankfully, Bella was predictable and was spending her lunch hour outside watching the children play on the school grounds. I made a mad dash for her room, gently pulled open her desk drawer and slid the white box with red ribbon directly beneath her car keys this way I knew she would definitely see it. 

Once planted, I ran back out and rushed into the faculty room to keep up appearances. The hours until school released seemed endless. A part of me wished I had waited until the dance to give her the gift while the other reminded me that patience was a virtue and all things come to those who wait. When the bell finally rang, I walked casually out of my office and down the hall. I leisurely walked past her classroom door and was surprised to see she wasn’t there. Nervousness and anxiety coursed through my veins that maybe my gift was a bit too much. Shit! Was it too presumptuous of me to give something so sentimental this early in the game? 

I turned around on my heels and walked back towards my office hoping the short walk would help ease my troubled heart. When I made it back my eyes caught sight of something shiny sitting on my desk. With caution I moved towards it and as if this burden of doubt and anxiety never existed, its weight lifted from my shoulders and allowed me to catch a steady breath. I leaned down and took the other half of my gift into my hands while reading the small post it note attached.

You always had a piece of my heart and now I feel I finally have a piece of yours.

It was in that moment, when I read her response over and over again that I realized I had finally broken ground. Our love had always been there but through life experience and poor choices on both our parts it had gotten lost within the darkness of hate and despair. My intention with giving her a two piece heart locket was to show her that no matter what the outcome, she would always have a piece of me with her always. I inscribed our initials into the back as a written reminder of this truth. This was my way of giving her a piece of me freely and with no strings attached and my hope was she would see it was no longer about her and I but about us. I picked up my bike keys and headed out feeling proud of the choices I had made. Today marked the first time in a long time that I felt I had finally done something right. 

The drive home was quick and after eating dinner and showering, I lied in bed thinking of what I could do that would be the finally push I needed to win back her heart. I knew the locket had made an impression but there needed to be something more. I had to do something that would bring Bella back into my arms willingly and without the least bit of doubt that I was the only one for her. I tried to think of something original, something that was both intimate and comfortable.

I tried to recall times in our lives pre Edward, Leah and all the fucked up things that had happened to us in the past in an effort to find one good memory that if relieved in the present setting, would provide both security and a reminder of how perfect we were for one another. Although the memories were scattered, there was one I could recall that might just work with the venue and time of year. It would definitely be a surprise but inwardly I hoped that if I could pull it off, it would be the start of our lives together not as friends but as life partners like it was always meant to be. 

Tomorrow would mark the end of her and me as individuals trying to find where we fit in the world to one united front, one flame burning through the darkness of doubt together and finding peace in the truth that our love never burned brighter than when we were together. She was the flame that ignited my soul and without her I was nothing but with her, I could be anything.

BPOV

I couldn’t stop my hand from pounding on the steering wheel nor the butterflies that flapped wildly in my stomach as I made my way towards the school. When I finally arrived, the nerves got the best of me and like a coward I sped past the school and continued down the road. I knew tonight would be a defining moment in my life on so many levels. It would mark the end of the tyranny of doubt and despair and bring forth the love that had once warmed my heart. I was confident that something important was going to transpire between me and Jake whether he initiated it or not.

I eased down on the brake as the traffic light before me changed to red. My truck came to an abrupt halt and as my body rocked back into the seat, the locket Jake gave me smacked against my chest. My eyes peered down, my hands pulling it up from my collar bone as a smile came to my face. This was the first time since our youth that Jake had truly expressed how he felt towards me. I have to say, all the small mementos prior to this one were cute but this spoke volumes to me. This locket gave me a taste of the Jacob I once knew and renewed my faith that maybe this time would be different.

The butterflies that swarmed feverishly in my stomach had subsided at this notion because it felt like finally it didn’t matter what happened tonight. Ultimately this locket was proof I had my friend back and my heart was content with that. 

I made a quick u-turn in the road and headed back towards school. I parked the truck and walked towards the gymnasium which was beaming with different colored lights and pulsating beats from within it. I couldn’t stop my head from bopping to the music and although my actions embarrassed a few of my students as I entered the hallway and walked down the hall, I didn’t care. I wasn’t old enough to be acting like I didn’t enjoy dancing or the music; I was only in my twenties after all. 

I nodded to some parent chaperones as I made my way to the gymnasium. When I opened the gym doors and caught sight of the empty dance floor, it was hard for me to contain my laughter. The girls were on one side of the gym while the boys were on the other. I thought that shyness was a thing of the past but apparently there was still some innocence left in the world. 

I walked over to the left behind the girls and just as I was about to tap one of my students on the shoulder, I caught a glimpse of the man who made my heart swoon and my knees weak. It would seem that shyness was infectious as I felt the blush come to my face coupled with a slight smile as his eyes gazed back at me. 

I had to say as shy as I was, I couldn’t help the arousal he induced just by his stare. His eyes disrobed me with there intensity. My tongue grazed over my lower lip as images of our intense love-making session paraded my mind. My body quivered at the need to feel that connection again yet my mind told me to be patient. 

“This dance sucks” Lily exclaimed as she stomped her foot.

Her voice pulled me from my Jake induced coma and back to the real reason I was there. 

“Ok girls, gather around” I hollered so that all of them could hear me over the music. 

All the girls huddled around me and when I felt I had their attention I spoke “Now I know you all love Beyonce right?” All the girls nodded in response.

“Well isn’t one of her group’s famous songs Independent Women?” Again they nodded.

“So what are all you beautiful ladies doing just standing here? Go out there and demand a dance” I exclaimed with enthusiasm.

They all gave me that “WTF” look and I knew I had to lead by example. “Ok let me show you” I replied as I pushed past them and made my way over to the boy’s group.

“Billy do you want to dance?” I asked one of the more popular boys in school.

He pointed towards his chest then looked around as if he wasn’t sure I was actually asking him. I nodded in reply, he smiled and no more than a few minutes later, we were dancing, well…actually he was dancing I was cautiously swaying since I was known to have two left feet. It only took a few minutes for the girls to warm up and soon the dance was underway.

I excused myself after the fourth continuous song and walked over to the concession table to grab some water. Before I could reach for a glass my hand stopped in its decent when I could feel the heat of his stare on my back. It always amazed me that even now over four years later, my body still gave into him without hesitation. I turned to my right and there he stood perfection personified. 

He had on a tight black muscle shirt with grey slacks which complimented his rustic tone. I couldn’t help but stare at him and when those pearly whites made an appearance, I thought the cement floor turned to quick sand because my legs lacked the ability to hold me up from the floor. Thankfully, he was there to catch me on what would’ve been a very embarrassing moment, his arms engulfing me and holding me mid air while my eyes stayed locked on his.

“I think you need some air” he replied as he lifted me up and kept his hand along my forearm. I nodded and followed him out of the gymnasium.

I couldn’t help being nervous about being alone with him. I knew what just a few moments could turn into with us. It was obvious he had changed and so had I, but that aspect of our relationship never seemed to dwindle with time and if properly integrated into a meaningful relationship, it could be one wonderful sex life for the both of us. 

However, my only concern was that if we started rediscovering ourselves first with sex then the end would be the same as it was before. I wanted more from him, from us. I wanted him as a person, companion and life partner not just as a boy on the side. My heart believed that’s what he wanted too but I still needed more. I needed to hear it and see the truth in his eyes as he said it. He had to make me believe it.

My mind was deep in thought and before I knew it, we were standing just outside the door to the roof of the building. I looked at him questionably his mesmerizing smile pulling me into a trance as he brushed past me, his arms coming around my waist as he whispered, “I have a surprise but you have to close your eyes.”

I nodded and closed my eyes, his hands covering them just to make sure I wouldn’t peak. I heard the creaking of the door open, the cool breeze of the summer air brushing through my hair and lifting my dress slightly as we waddled our way out onto the roof. I was extremely nervous but this time is was in a good way. “Jake what is this about?” I inquired.

“See for yourself” he replied, his breath still lingering on my neck while his hands moved from my eyes. My hands slide over my mouth at the picnic set up in front of me. There was a checked blanket lying on the ground with a straw picnic basket off to the corner. In the center there were two champagne glasses and two pillows.

“I thought we could enjoy a little music, ambiance and star naming like we use to when we were kids. Do you remember?”

The tears of joy welled in my eyes at how romantic and touching this moment was. I nodded in response because I was too choked up to issue a proper response. Jake sensing how touched I was ran his hand down my arm and entwined his finger with mine, guiding me over towards the blanket. He motioned for me to wait a moment as he reached down into the basket, pulled out a bottle of wine, popped the cork, served it and then returned to me with on glass extended out for me to grab. 

“A toast…to new beginnings”

I smiled as I tapped my glass against his and joined him in sipping the wine. My eyes went up to the clear sky above us, all the stars aligned and shining so brightly it seemed too good to be true. I felt like this was a moment out of a fairytale, like it was the way it was always suppose to be for us but time had been stolen by bad decisions and deep seeded regret. I could feel that familiar tinge of regret inching its way into my heart every moment my mind hovered over our past. 

As if Jake could sense my mental distress his hand reached out and he whispered “dance with me”. 

I was quick to respond on pure instinct alone, Jake knowing full well I couldn’t dance to save my life “You know I can’t dance.”

He smiled, gently took the glass from within my hands, placed it on the blanket and then slowly pulled me into his chest. The warmth of his body on mine had been something I had craved since the moment we reconnected but denied due to fear and doubt. How could I doubt something so natural?   
I looked up into his eyes as we swayed to a romantic ballet playing in the background and as if this moment was perfect enough, his deep voice sang the words to the song and it was as if it was written for us. Those heartfelt tears welled in my eyes as I kept my focus on him, the sincerity and longing so dominant in his cracked tone as he sang.

Hold me now  
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry  
I just want you to stay  
And after all that you've been through  
I will make it up to you  
I promise you, baby

And after all that’s been said and done  
You're just the part of me I can't let go

ooooh bup bup bup bup

Couldn't stand to be kept away  
Not for a day  
From your body  
Wouldn't want to be swept away awaaaaaaaay  
Far away from the one that I love

Hold me now  
It's hard for me to say I'm sorry  
I just want you to know  
Hold me now  
I really want to tell you I'm sorry  
I could never let you go

And after all that we've been through  
I will make it up to you  
I promise you

And after all that's been said and done  
You're just a part of me I can't let go

I can't let go. ("Hard To Say I'm Sorry", Az Yet)

I tried to fight the tears but there was no use, they fell from my eyes like a never ending stream, all the doubt and pain I once held washing away with each tear drop that fell. My doubt over if we could make it, if he truly did love me enough to change and if we could ever be truly happy after all this time was confirmed as he whispered into my ears the only words I knew my Jacob could say. I love you Isabella Swan and I’m sorry for hurting you, sorry for all the pain I caused. I don’t want to live my life in the past, always looking over my shoulder wondering if old habits truly die hard and I will revert back to that selfish man who didn’t see the good thing he had before it was too late. I’ve changed not only because of you but because of me. I want to be a better man for you. I want you to be happy and although it kills me to say this…I know I have to. There is nothing more I want than to have you in my life but I know it’s hard to forgive the unforgiveable so I love you enough to let you go if that is what you chose but just know, now matter what, you will always be my Bells now and forever.

I felt like my heart was going to beat right out of my chest. Without thought I crashed my lips onto him, expressing everything my voice couldn’t. I wanted to show him how much I loved him and how much my heart still burned so deeply for him. I couldn’t help the moans that escaped my lips as I devoured his lips, forcing all the love, anxiety doubt and passion into each stroke of my tongue. There was no other man I wanted but him and even if we were destined for disaster, I wanted to be with him till the end. He was the fire that ignited my heart and warmed my soul and together we became one endless flame burning brightly with passion and fueled by the love we felt so strongly for one another. 

Tonight marked the end of a friendship and the beginning of something new for both of us. We had both changed so much yet we hadn’t. There was always one constant that never left and that was the love we felt since we were kids. Jake and Bells to the bitter end or till death do us part.


	20. Epilogue

Reminder – story contains bad language and sexual content – you are warned

BPOV

I stare at the quote encased in glass hanging just above my head as I tend to the insurmountable amount of dishes that are piled high in the kitchen sink. 

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes coal, deep burning and unquenchable. – Bruce Lee

I never knew the true meaning of the phrase when it was given to me shortly after our momentous time onto of the roof of the school. The words so eloquently put had a certain charm to them back then but now took on a totally different meaning.

I would’ve never imagined my life as it were, constantly evolving into the joys of my present day. Five years ago it was about starting off fresh and not rehashing the hardships of reaching my ultimate goals. Deep down I always knew Jake and I would find each other again but I never fathomed that the flame that had once torn us apart had united us as one year later.

It seemed like only yesterday we rekindled our love, a love that had never died but was merely overshadowed by a deep seeded regret we both weren’t able to admit it. We were toxic to one another but found our love although dwindled still burned strongly within our hearts. That moment when we professed our undying love for one another was the greatest moment of my life and the rebirth of our friendship in love and life.

We continued to see each other and what I thought was passion in years past was nothing compared to the love that was made that very night and many nights after. I thought I had reached the peak of happiness however, nine months later through intense pain and happiness I gave birth to my daughter Sarah. 

After only a few months, we decided that we needed more room. Our one bedroom apartment was way too small for all three of us and we wanted our daughter to enjoy all the things we had as children. I can’t say the decision to return home wasn’t a hard one. We spent many nights debating over the pros and cons but ultimately, it was my reluctance to face the truth that kept me planted far away from Forks.

This was the last step I needed to make to finally make peace with my old life. My old home would once again come to life but with the sounds of happy laughter and children’s giggles and not despair or heartache. Our new life would breathe love into a place once over spilling with discontentment and hate and thus transforming it into somewhere I could live out my days.

We moved in towards the end of the year and the time had finally come for me to make peace with the one thing I had fought so hard to stay away from all these years. Jake accompanied me to the cemetery, my legs too weak to take the venture alone and my heart to burden by guilt to weather the storm of emotions that flooded me as his grave drew near. 

Jake gave me a few moments alone with the only other man that had truly had my heart. I fell to my knees, the cold wet grass soaking my pants and cooling my fevered skin. It felt like the air was being sucked right out of my lungs as I sobbed my confession to a cold stone grave. 

I apologized for not being there, for not understanding that this happened for a reason and for ultimately walking away when I should’ve stayed. I pleaded for forgiveness and when the rain stopped falling and the sun shined directly on me, I knew my father was absolving me from my transgression. My racing heart simmered as Jake helped me to my feet. I stood there for one last moment taking in the peace my father offered me that day. 

“I love you daddy”. I whispered and as if he were trying to show me he was there, the wind whipped around our stationed stance and I could’ve sworn I heard his voice whisper “Be happy”. I smiled with the closure I thought would never come and inwardly rejoiced that my father, wherever he was, was happy to see me happy.

I smiled in remembrance of that day. It marked the true acceptance of my past and left my heart open to accepting my new life. I glanced through the window just above the sink; Sarah was busy in the sandbox out back. Eli, her helpless slave, was feverishly looking for rocks for the sand castle they were building. Eli was Embry and Leah’s son. 

Shortly after we settled in, we ran into Embry and Leah at the diner. Eli and Sarah were quick to greet one another and while I was trying to pull Sarah away from Eli, Leah was trying to do the same. I can’t say I didn’t feel a tiny bit apprehensive but the smile that appeared and the hug that followed washed all that fear away. Leah, Embry and Eli joined us for breakfast that morning and by the time all was said and done, we were exchanging phone numbers and planning play dates. I was surprised to say the least but happy that our children would be able to enjoy each other without the burdens of their parents past holding them back.

Eventually Leah and I became great friends thus allowing Jake and Embry to rekindle their friendship as well. It would seem something was in the air that year because before long, Leah and I were both pregnant again and ironically due within days of one another. 

“Sarah play nice” I hollered out the window.

My daughter definitely had my assertive traits. She bosses that boy around like it was nobody’s business and he; being just like Jake was at his age, took it in stride and did exactly as he was told.

The warmth of my husband’s hands came around my extended belly and my body instinctually fell into his embrace. “I see she’s at it again huh? That boy is a glutton for punishment” he whispered as he pecked me on the neck.

“No I just think he knows a good woman when he sees one just like someone I know” I replied.

I lifted my hand and placed it under his chin as I turned and took his soft warm lips into my own. I could never get enough of him, my need and desire to be consumed by him was insatiable even when I couldn’t see my toes or on occasion, feel my legs.

The sharp screams emanating from outside took our attention off one another as our eyes darted outside. Sarah was crying bloody murder while Eli was apologizing profusely “Please don’t cry Sarah. Eli’s sorry he stepped on your castle. Look I will make it better I promise. Please don’t cry” he pleaded only causing Sarah to cry harder.  
I moved back and turned to make my way outside when Jake took my arm and pulled me back into his chest. “Let it be Bella. They will learn just like we did...all in due time honey.”  
I knew he was right but my maternal instinct was on high alert. I wanted to protect my daughter. I never wanted her to be without, never wanted her to fear or hurt and never wanted her to cry. “Jake please let me go. Can’t you see she needs me” I pleaded.

“Just wait” he whispered as he held me tightly to his chest. I wanted to fight back but I knew I was no match for him.

Just as he predicted, Sarah did stop crying and within a few minutes, they were back to playing nicely again. As if life hadn’t proven it was coming full circle already, something happened right before my very eyes that had I not seen it up close and personal, I would have denied. 

Eli poured some water from the hose into a circular dish of sand and formed it into a pie. He then proudly carried it over to Sarah; sat next to her and said “I made this for you.” Sarah took the pie in amazement and then turned and kissed Eli on the check. “You are the best friend ever Eli. I love you.”

My heart swelled within my chest as a tear fell from my eye. It was in that moment Jake leaned down and whispered. “Best friends forever”. 

I turned to him, cupped his rustic cheeks within my hands and replied with all the love I had in my heart “Forever and always”. The kiss we shared was filled with love, a love that stood the tests of time and prevailed like no other. His love burned me like no other and until my dying day I will proudly say, I loved how it burned.

The End.


End file.
